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Goober, cheers for your input, I have a feeling if this movie were ever to be made and you were to see it, you would not be disappointed by the revenge Kady and Jamie take. Although I'm sure some folk would be quite disgusted....
:D
Roc, I'm sorry, I should have put it in spoiler tags :P
 
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insert_cliche_here said:
What part was talking about something they already know? I should probably re-read it lol.
What's TNG? I've never heard of it :/
Thanks for your feedback, I'm glad it made you laugh :) That was pretty much the aim of it, just to be funny (and introduce a conflict that will eventually lead to bad, bad things, lol). Thanks :)
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I didn't reread it, but one example, iirc, is that line like 'how you make your living,' well don't they both know already that she's a criminal? It didn't feel right that they would just say it like that...

TNG is nerd shorthand for Star Trek: The Next Generation (which is the best of all the Star Treks). Have you seen it?
 
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Finally, google-docs let me in. Google-docs doesn't like me, and I often can't access stuff. Anyone else ever have that problem?

Anyway, this is some terrific dialogue. Feels very natural. Except for one line -- "You do know that you're a criminal, right"? That felt forced, expository perhaps, unnatural.

And, it's funny. I laughed more than once. Nice work.
 
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This is got something to do with
that Drum guy right? He came in,
told you something and now you’re
stockpiling for a nuclear winter or
something.

KADY
Yeah. It’s gonna be cold.

Kady laughs maniaclly.
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The above quote is freaking awesome! It fit the scene really well. It would be funny if kady pulled out some marshmellows and hotdags at the end. Its still a shame that rachel had to die. She seemed like such a sweet character.
 
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How did I know you would like that? Lol, nothing toasts marshmallows like a roasting human being o.O
Yeah, well, when you want a character who was already slightly unhinged to completely lose it you have to take away the one thing that tied them to humanity *laughs insanely* I AM GOD!!!! :D
 
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Okay, it's nice to know I'm not the only twisted mind lurking around here. :lol:

But I have to say that both pieces are really dialogue heavy. Perhaps it's a regional thing (took me a minute to associate "boot" with something other than footwear). Not necessarily bad dialogue (well, maybe a few missteps as already pointed out), just a lot of it.

I mentioned in another thread that you can often reveal more about what a character is thinking by what they don't say, i.e. the subtext. Actions speak louder than words. And natural speech is fragmented. Rarely do we speak in complete sentences. With this much dialogue and plenty of "entering and exiting", it reads much like a stage play. How someone enters and exits can reveal a great deal about the character and set the tone for the dialogue. "Kady flits into the room like a drunken butterfly." "Drum storms through the door, exasperated." It gives the reader something to visualize as opposed to just hearing voices in his or her head. I felt like I was hearing voices much of the time (especially with the first scene) since I really didn't have too many visual cues.

Anyway, interesting subject matter that will make for a dramatic story. :cheers:
 
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