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Rafael - Pages 1 to 5: Please help me rewrite!

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I'll suggest that you work on your Succinctness and Clarity.

For example, here's a quick rewrite of the first few lines of your script:


EXT. DAY. DUSTY STREET

Spain 1312 AD.

As the horse and buggy passes, it collides with a tree. Leaves fall. ROBBER (Attractive male mid 30's, Mask on Eyes) smiles. The worker man shouts as he (I have no idea what you are trying to get him to do with his big hat, cycles and breaths).

ROBBER
oooooh, ooooh


Unfortunately your writing is difficult to understand (at least for me), so I feel you need to work on your clarity. If a reader struggles to understand your meaning, it'll be harder for them to enjoy your story.

I'm suspecting English is not your primary language. The bad news for you is no one cares. If you want to sell English language scripts, you need to write properly. The good news: Scripts are supposed to be written so it only requires the education of a 10 year old to read it (the number could be wrong, it may be grade 10, which makes more sense to me - Either way, it's low - There's no real excuse to learn).

Succinctness: Don't use 8 words when 5 will suffice.

It couldn't hurt to learn proper script layout.

That's some of the basics you should consider.

Good luck with your writing.
 
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Sweetie said:
I'll suggest that you work on your Succinctness and Clarity.

For example, here's a quick rewrite of the first few lines of your script:


EXT. DAY. DUSTY STREET

Spain 1312 AD.

As the horse and buggy passes, it collides with a tree. Leaves fall. ROBBER (Attractive male mid 30's, Mask on Eyes) smiles. The worker man shouts as he (I have no idea what you are trying to get him to do with his big hat, cycles and breaths).

ROBBER
oooooh, ooooh


Unfortunately your writing is difficult to understand (at least for me), so I feel you need to work on your clarity. If a reader struggles to understand your meaning, it'll be harder for them to enjoy your story.

I'm suspecting English is not your primary language. The bad news for you is no one cares. If you want to sell English language scripts, you need to write properly. The good news: Scripts are supposed to be written so it only requires the education of a 10 year old to read it (the number could be wrong, it may be grade 10, which makes more sense to me - Either way, it's low - There's no real excuse to learn).

Succinctness: Don't use 8 words when 5 will suffice.

It couldn't hurt to learn proper script layout.

That's some of the basics you should consider.

Good luck with your writing.
Click to expand...

I change my decision. I won't work in English, but in Persian, as it is my native language. And try to work internationally, I mean product of more than one country. I think my script now is good enough for non-product demo for non-English work, hope so...


Thanks!
 
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The problems with your script extended far beyond english grammar. You need to write what happens instead of being meta about it.

You can't say "it begins with a robbery scene" instead you have to describe the robbery scene taking place in present tense.
 
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nobody said:
I am very imaginative & want to do great films, but no one even trusts me for little films..
Click to expand...
Do you have a script for a little film?

Write an excellent, imaginative script for a small short film. If it
is truly excellent and imaginative and inexpensive to make then
it can be done. Once you have made one little film make another.
Prove your are capable of finishing a few small films. Then you
will find someone to trust you to do a great film.
 
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