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Question about writing quality.

H

harmonica44

I am about to shoot my first real short film soon. My friends read the script and made corrections, and gave thoughts. A few things have been rewritten and a lot stayed the same. However just right after I sent the script out to the actors and crew that answered my casting call, a screenwriter came along and said he wanted to check it out. This is a real screenwriter who has worked on feature movies before.

He told me that my whole script needs to be re-tooled and I don't have a good structure down. Now it's a little late for changes since I already sent it out for everyone to read over their lines and audition. For my first real short I hope to make an impression with people with, how bad is it when a screenwriter says that? He was taught by real screenwriters who have sold movies, so would they all have similar opinions, or could they just as very well differ on structure?
 
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Remember all those threads with everyone telling you that feedback for your script is absolutely necessary? How having a friend say they liked the idea wasn't enough? Everyone wasn't lying to you.
 
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true that^
Just make do with what you already have. This is your FIRST film ever, so don't worry too much. I understand that first impressions are important, but I'm assuming everyone is working for free and they understand that this is the first time you've ever ventured into film making. just have fun and learn. learn from your mistakes.
 
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Yeah everyone is working for free, I'm just worried about my reputation while breaking in. I posted the script way back on the Imdb but no one responded. I guess I could have posted it on here back then too, but didn't think of it I guess. I didn't send a short into a proofreader or script adviser, cause I thought, well it's just a short 10 page script, as oppose to feature. But I guess I should have short film scripts professionally critiqued as well as features. Oh well I'll make do. I just hope it doesn't hurt my reputation, and results in not being able to get as many people to work with me next time.

This is probably why almost every actor who has read the script has lost interest afterwords so far. As far as first impressions go, how many shorts can be bad, before a newcomers reputation is most likely sunk in the business?
 
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well, the beginning is slow and nothing really happens, it feels like a conversation on facebook chat between two friends, but then it picks up and gets interesting around page 4. you need to tighten up the dialog and get the action rolling on page 1 or 2. this is a short, so make it move fast. that's what i think. ill reread tomorrow and post.

plus you have until october to make major/minor changes. your crew will understand because this is your first time
 
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Sure thanks. The reason why it takes till page 4, is because the drug needs time to take effect after he takes it. But perhaps I could skip ahead or something? Plus shouldn't I have some conversation to introduce the characters and their relationship? But if not, then that's fine.
 
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yes, skip ahead. it might make sense to you, but when i was reading it i was bored.
do no attempt to do the lame trick "this is the boring part, but you just wait till happens next!"...

And chop down the dialogs. those are some massive lines!

Toilet paper lines are just... weird.. and awkward.

i agree that rewrite needs to be done, but if its your first short ~ i think you should shoot it the way it is. just to get your feet wet.


edit: you dont need a CONVERSATION to SHOW their relationship. If they had some past, there would be comfort and ease in guys movements around the apartment, where if they werent as familiar with eachother, couples are more alert, and not as dynamic.

think how you act when u meet somebody new. are you more aware of your movements, in comparison with your old friend?
 
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The entire piece is weird, and drags on. I'm entirely bored with the long weird small talk. And then it suddenly turns from weird conversation to weird rape. I don't mean to get too x-rated, but when you keep saying "She is raping him" is this with a strap-on? Otherwise I really don't get the horrible feelings he's having. They have had consensual sex in the past, and are still friends. Without the guy being penetrated it loses the equivalence of a girl being raped. Given the small talk he was making, having sex while handcuffed doesn't seem like a situation that would scar the guy at all.

Even if you get past all that, it's far too long. It should be at most half that length.
 
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harmonica44 said:
This is a real screenwriter who has worked on feature movies before.

He told me that my whole script needs to be re-tooled and I don't have a good structure down.
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Now that I have read the script I agree with this screenwriter.

Your idea is fine - frankly I like it. Your writing is poor, your
structure is poor, your pacing is poor, your dialogue is poor.
I hope with all the help you have been getting here you are
much better director than you are a writer. I hope you surround
yourself with excellent actors and crew.
 
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SinEater said:
The entire piece is weird, and drags on. I'm entirely bored with the long weird small talk. And then it suddenly turns from weird conversation to weird rape. I don't mean to get too x-rated, but when you keep saying "She is raping him" is this with a strap-on? Otherwise I really don't get the horrible feelings he's having. They have had consensual sex in the past, and are still friends. Without the guy being penetrated it loses the equivalence of a girl being raped. Given the small talk he was making, having sex while handcuffed doesn't seem like a situation that would scar the guy at all.

Even if you get past all that, it's far too long. It should be at most half that length.
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Okay thanks for the input people. I'll reword rape differently. When I say rape, I mean that the woman is taking his penis and putting it into her vagina. Now the guy is being drugged and forced against his will so he is very scared, the same way a woman would be scared if raped against her will. Just cause they had consensual sex in the past does not mean it is consensual now. He is definitely being forced, violated, and sexually assaulted, which scars him, and wants retribution.
 
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harmonica44 said:
Okay thanks for the input people. I'll reword rape differently. When I say rape, I mean that the woman is taking his penis and putting it into her vagina. Now the guy is being drugged and forced against his will so he is very scared, the same way a woman would be scared if raped against her will. Just cause they had consensual sex in the past does not mean it is consensual now. He is definitely being forced, violated, and sexually assaulted, which scars him, and wants retribution.
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Just because you say it's equivalent doesn't mean the audience will see it that way.
 
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Well there was a case where I live a while ago, where a guy was forced at gunpoint, to have sex with a woman. He wasn't penetrated, but he still felt pretty violated and pressed charges. Plus there are several other crimes where people are assaulted that did not involve penetration, and they still pressed charges, so I thought it would be relate-able. I will try to make the audience see the seriousness of it as much as I can.

I will take out the weird opening dialogue, which I intended for weird humor, and skip ahead. So how much establishment of their relationship should I have before I skip ahead?
 
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harmonica44 said:
Well there was a case where I live a while ago, where a guy was forced at gunpoint, to have sex with a woman. He wasn't penetrated, but he still felt pretty violated and pressed charges.
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Was it by an ex-girlfriend who he was still friends with? Did he show up to "hang out", and start drinking beer and talking about his penis prior to the rape?
 
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Well that's what has been dealt with in real cases. People will say it doesn't count as rape, if they were in a relationship before, if drinking was involved, or if they were talking about hypothetical sex, beforehand. I don't mean to sounf defensive, I like the feedback. But the points that have been made, have been used as double standards in real cases, which is what I intended.
 
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