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Question about subtlety

FormerDominator

FormerDominator

I'm currently working on a screenplay for a five-or-so minute short film to be released this fall or next January. The concept is that on the surface it appears to be a somewhat poorly-done amateur documentary of a high-school couple suddenly falling apart and breaking up, but in actuality it's a pretty lame commentary on reality television: there are subtle hints dropped throughout in the dialogue (which is pretty much all there is) that the documentarian is manipulating events behind the scenes to orchestrate the breakup for entertainment value. I was wondering how subtle you guys think I should be. I don't want it to be glaringly obvious to everyone who watches what the point is, but I don't want it to be entirely impossible to detect either. As it stands, these are the hints:

In the opening scene, the girlfriend is asking the documentarian to explain what he's doing and why. He explains the reasoning as such: "I dunno, young love or something. Or maybe I'll end up documenting your ultimate downfall as a couple. [Sarcastically cheerful] Now *that* would be entertainment!"

The boyfriend never shows up to their one-year anniversary dinner date. He explains to his girlfriend that his tires were slashed and his phone stolen from the car-a tall tale, but true: it was the documentarian. This, of course, is never explicitly stated.

The anniversary date is rescheduled, but on the day of the rescheduled date, the girlfriend discovers an envelope in her locker. There are pictures, evidently taken with her boyfriend's phone, of him with his ex-girlfriend. They are timestamped (in a somewhat obvious Photoshop job) with the date of their originally planned date. This may appear to many as poor production value on a mockumentary, but that's the idea-the documentarian character was lazy in faking evidence.

Finally, the girlfriend reads her breakup note to the camera (those are called confessionals, right?), but stops in the middle, on the verge of tears, asking if she really has to do this. After a pause, the documentarian says, "No. I... I'm sorry for putting you through this." The girl promptly responds that it's not his fault.

So what do you guys think? Now that I've gathered all of my thoughts in one place, there definitely are not as many hints as I had thought.
 
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subtlety is like being "edgy" if you think you are.. your likely not.


Defined: So delicate or precise as to be difficult to analyze or describe.

Don't reach for it, because you cant grab it. Its not like your revealing a great mystery EVERYONE knows that reality shows are manipulated, no mater how you present it, thats already a common known fact, delaying the "proof" until the end will just seem like no ending.. you'll get a big.. yeah, i know that.. duh..

Your gimmick is not going to generate any emotional response..

I think you have BONES of an interesting story. I think if you take it a bit over the top.. I mean puts some REAL risk in there, something that makes me care what happens, then it could be great.
 
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Thanks for the feedback, wheatgrinder. I do think I have a way of tricking myself into thinking that anything I do that isn't comedy is automatically edgy because all I've ever done is comedy and I'm tired of it. It is a pretty simple thing, I'm certainly not trying to be groundbreaking, but I get what you're saying.

And Lucky, nobody. ...YET...
 
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It seems to me that the characters are not fleshed out. "The Documentarian" at first appears to be a cold heartless douche, just out for "good TV", then you have him being wishy-washy when she is reading her break-up note. He should be more manipulative, but in a cruel and self serving way. What I find helps me is that I write out a character biography on all off my key characters and put down their motives and such. That way, dialog flows more naturally for me and I can more easily figure out if I'm trying to write a character in a way that they would not act/react. That makes the characters more life-like to me.
 
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I think trying to be subtle with your reveal is a mistake. Its just going to look like a bad movie.. nobody is going to pick up on your internal vision. Unless you got a lot of money, your BEST effort is still going to look like a cheap movie, so dont force it, it will come (lol, sorta of a joke that)


But sersiously though, Focus on the story at this point. Make the STORY interesting, even if we know hes manipulating the situation. When you have a story that is interesting WITH that fact, moving the manipulation to a more subtle place will just add depth to an already good story.. get me?
 
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Yes, yes I do get you. And thanks again, to both of you: Lucky, I think you made me realize something about my writing: whenever I try for something dramatic, I do focus a hell of a lot more on the idea (or possibly gimmick) than the story and characters, which is kind of the opposite of how I approach comedy. Hm. I will definitely work on this...
 
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I don't have any feedback on this for you but there is a documentary you need to see if you haven't already, that may help you - anyone else who has seen the following documentary please do not spoil anything about it.

Catfish
 
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It's interesting how different perceptions and perspectives are depending on the individual. I guess for me Catfish was an example of a documentary that begins as one thing but then becomes something different - kinda like when someone interviews a person with certain questions in mind but the conversation evolves into something different.

For me the reveal was not really a shock but rather it wasn't something that even entered my mind leading up to it so to me it was more of a 'why didn't I see that coming?'

It is a documentary that goes to show you don't really know who people are when you are interacting with them online unless you already know them in person.

But in terms of what you wish to accomplish with yours I guess my suggestion would be to firstly write the story without the reality television angle. Create a basic structure for that story and once you have done that go back through on a second draft and refine it, add the reality television angle in and see how it flows - or you could even place the reveal that it's a reality show towards the end of the film.
 
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