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Please critique my very first screenplay

T

TSLexi

NSFW: Please critique my very first screenplay

Hi guys!

I've recently completed my very first short screenplay. A young TS porn star finds love in a lonely radiologist at a bar. I'm still trying to come up with a title.

Even though it's only 8 pages, I expect the running length to be around 15-20 minutes.

Whatever criticism you have, throw it at me!

Thanks for reading,
Lexi

PS: I've figured out who could play the girl...Domino Presley, or Morgan Bailey if she dyed her hair.

Screenplay (sorry, the formatting got lost when I copy-pasted it from CeltX; if you want a properly-formatted PDF copy, email me):

FADE IN:

EXT. BAR - DUSK

ALEXIS shivers in the cold wind, ice crystals forming in her long and styled crimson hair. Trying to keep herself warm, she trips on a patch of ice. WILL, a geeky-looking man, is stepping out from the BAR, a LIGHTER in his hand. He notices ALEXIS on the ground, and helps her up.

ALEXIS

(continuing)

Thanks. I keep forgetting that 7" heels and ice don't mix.

As ALEXIS regains her balance, WILL takes a CIGARETTE out of his jacket pocket,and lights it.

WILL

No problem. Would you like a cigarette, darling?

WILL pulls out another CIGARETTE from his pocket, and hands it to ALEXIS. Her hands are trembling from the cold as she pulls it to her raspberry lipstick-stained lips. WILL lights it for her, and she takes a long, slow drag.

ALEXIS

Thank you so much. I'm Alexis

WILL

You're very welcome. I'm Will.

ALEXIS

Nice to meet you.

ALEXIS notices the ID BADGE hanging from his jacket pocket.

ALEXIS

So, you're a radiologist? You shouldn't be smoking!

Both of them laugh as they take another drag from their cigarettes.

WILL

Well, we all have our issues.

ALEXIS

Yeah, but you should know better! I wanted to be a radiologist when I was little...

WILL

You really want to be stuck in a dark room all day, only coming out when some arrogant surgeon doesn't want to do their job?

ALEXIS looks away, and takes a long, slow drag.

ALEXIS

Well, it's...better than what I do now...

WILL looks puzzled, and moves in closer to her.


WILL

What do you do now, love?

ALEXIS

I'm an adult actress. It pays well, and it's enjoyable, but there's still times I wish I could've fulfilled my dream...

Their CIGARETTES having finished, they throw them to the ground. ALEXIS's FINGERS are turning blue. She is shaking from the icy winds.

WILL

Come on, let's go in. We don't need you to get frostbite.

WILL ushers ALEXIS into the BAR.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR - DUSK

They ENTER the BAR, which is almost empty. WILL takes a seat at the counter, next to his half-empty glass of BEER. ALEXIS sits down next to him.

WILL

Would you like anything?

ALEXIS

You paying?

WILL

Of course. A lady should never have to pay for her own drinks!

ALEXIS

Well, then I'll have a Long Island Iced Tea, neat.

WILL

You like 'em hard, don't you?

ALEXIS laughs to herself, and rolls her eyes.

WILL

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

WILL motions to the BARTENDER to come over.

WILL

Pour this lady a Long Island Iced Tea, and strain the ice out. So, Lexi, what happened to your dream?

ALEXIS looks nervous, staring at her reflection in the mirror on the liquor rack as the BARTENDER mixes her DRINK. She SIGHS.

WILL

What's wrong?

ALEXIS

I'm not a lady, Will.

WILL

Of course you are! Just because you're a porn star doesn't mean you're not a lady.

ALEXIS's lip starts quivering.

ALEXIS

I don't mean it like that...the type of porn I do...requires very special girls.

ALEXIS's eyes begin watering. WILL looks slightly shocked, but then puts his arm around her.

WILL

It's okay Lexi. You're still a girl to me. What's in the past is in the past.

The BARTENDER serves ALEXIS her DRINK, and WILL hands the BARTENDER a $20. ALEXIS takes a big gulp of it.

ALEXIS

My family didn't support my transition...I was one year away from graduating when they found out. They stopped funding my degree.I had no way to pay for it myself.

WILL

That's horrible sweetie. You deserve to be able to follow your dreams. I'm sorry they took that away from you.

ALEXIS starts weeping, and takes another swallow of her DRINK. WILL starts stroking her hair.

ALEXIS

All I wanted was to be a girl! Why is that so wrong?!? They ruined my life! I wanted to help people get better, not fuck guys for money!

She takes another swallow.

ALEXIS

(beat)

I hate them!

She takes yet another swallow.

ALEXIS

(beat)

I miss them so much!

WILL holds ALEXIS close as she starts sobbing into his chest. He gently strokes her crimson locks.

WILL

I know sweetie, I know.

Will gently KISSES ALEXIS's forehead.

WILL

Everything's going to be okay, baby girl.

The hard liquor is making ALEXIS sleepy.

WILL

Would you like to come home with me, little one? You shouldn't be alone tonight.

ALEXIS nods, as she starts falling asleep on WILL.

CUT TO:

INT. WILL'S HOUSE - NIGHT

WILL walks into the HOUSE, with ALEXIS on his arm. WILL takes ALEXIS's cropped leather motorcycle jacket off, and hangs it up on the coat rack. WILL sits down on the sofa, and ALEXIS lies her head down on his lap. WILL strokes her hair again.

ALEXIS

I like you.

WILL blushes.

WILL

Why's that, darling?

ALEXIS

'Cause you're nice to me.

WILL

Awwww...who wouldn't be nice to you?

ALEXIS

Lots of people.

WILL

Well those people can go fuck themselves. Sweetie, I bet those stripper boots are getting painful. You need help taking them off?

ALEXIS nods. She kicks her feet up on the coffee table. WILL unbuckles and unzips her boots, and gently pulls them off, along with her socks. ALEXIS wiggles her toes in relief.

WILL

Bet that feels so much better, doesn't it? Those boots are like Auschwitz for your toes!

WILL starts massaging her shoulders. ALEXIS cuddles up close to him.

WILL

You'll be safe with me, little one.

ALEXIS

Promise?

WILL KISSES her face. His hands wander up into her shirt, go under her bra, and start gently massaging her hard nipples. She MOANS softly.

WILL

I promise. You need so much love right now, baby girl.

ALEXIS

Can I tell you a secret?

WILL

Of course.

[Scene deleted]

WILL

Sleep well, baby girl.

FADE OUT
Click to expand...
 
Last edited:
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it sounds like communist propaganda. Hi random person,let me show you my inner soul,my name is Alexis,I am an adult actress,but i know it is bad,so i want to become good.
Oh that is very good!
 
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Yeah, it's kinda more a short erotic film rather than straight-out porn (porn doesn't have *any* semblance of a plot, erotica does). Porn doesn't have 15 minutes of set-up.

And yes, porn does have scripts. They're short and usually flat, but they're there.

Seriously, what's wrong with it?
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
It depends on the film whether or not there is a long setup. If a pron film is is roughly based on a main stream idea, it may have a long setup.

You may want to watch, The Crying Game for pacing and for a more realistic relationship. The boy meets girl and falls in love works for porn, but is unrealistic for erotica.
 
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The ideas are good and all there for an erotic short, but its as subtle as a brick. Everything happens too fast, things are revealed too soon and the characters don't read like real people. The amount of story and ideas behind the story are great for what you want to do, but you blow your load way too fast. I certainly have ideas on how you could make the plot and script more subtle, but that all depends on how it ends. I'm sure that's not the end and if it is then write a new ending - Write a morning after.
 
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micster said:
The ideas are good and all there for an erotic short, but its as subtle as a brick. Everything happens too fast, things are revealed too soon and the characters don't read like real people. The amount of story and ideas behind the story are great for what you want to do, but you blow your load way too fast. I certainly have ideas on how you could make the plot and script more subtle, but that all depends on how it ends. I'm sure that's not the end and if it is then write a new ending - Write a morning after.
Click to expand...

Here's two extra scenes I just wrote:

INT. WILL'S BATHROOM - NIGHT

WILL is taking his shirt off in front of the bathroom mirror. There are two large scars directly underneath his pecs.

WILL

You'll get through this, Lexi, I know you can.

He then opens up the medicine cabinet, and takes out some betadine, and disinfects his shoulder wound. He HISSES in pain, and dresses his wound.

CUT TO:

INT. WILL'S KITCHEN - MORNING

ALEXIS is sitting at the table, dressed and having freshly showered. WILL is cooking eggs and bacon for her. He then serves her a plate. ALEXIS licks her lips, and starts eating. WILL then serves himself, and sits down next to her to eat.

WILL

Sweet dreams, sweetie?

ALEXIS nods, still sleepy.

WILL

Good girl. You enjoying your breakfast?

ALEXIS

(while eating)

Delicious!

WILL

Don't talk with your mouth full, sweetie.

ALEXIS swallows and finishes her breakfast.

ALEXIS

Well, you did ask me how it was...

WILL

Still...

ALEXIS gets up, and goes to the living room to get her jacket from the coat rack. She puts it on.

ALEXIS

Will, I have to go. I have a client booked at noon, and I need to get back home to get ready.

WILL

So soon? I really would've liked to get to know you a bit better. I read films from home, so I could show you all sorts of interesting cases.

ALEXIS

Really?

WILL

Yeah! Once, I was reading a CT of a guy with a safety pin in his bladder!

ALEXIS

People get up to some weird shit...anyway, I'd love to stay, really, I would. But I can't. Maybe we'll see each other again.

WILL looks dismayed.

WILL

Maybe...if you ever want to hang out again, I'm always at the bar from 5 'til closing.

ALEXIS gives WILL a KISS, and EXITS. WILL SIGHS

WILL

Alone...

FADE OUT
Click to expand...
 
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Sorry, this is not a screenplay, but a book formatted like a screenplay.
Cut down a bunch of description stuff like "his hands tremble from cold"... "Will is cooking eggs for her"... All that is garbage and doesn't move the story.
 
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WILL pulls out another CIGARETTE from his pocket, and hands it to ALEXIS. Her hands are trembling from the cold as she pulls it to her raspberry lipstick-stained lips. WILL lights it for her, and she takes a long, slow drag.


This whole thing is a book. Rewrite it.

Something like

Will hands Alexis a cigarette and lights it for her. Her hands tremble as she takes a drag.
 
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dlevanchuk said:
WILL pulls out another CIGARETTE from his pocket, and hands it to ALEXIS. Her hands are trembling from the cold as she pulls it to her raspberry lipstick-stained lips. WILL lights it for her, and she takes a long, slow drag.


This whole thing is a book. Rewrite it.

Something like

Will hands Alexis a cigarette and lights it for her. Her hands tremble as she takes a drag.
Click to expand...

That makes more sense. Thanks.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
TSLexi said:
Yeah, it's kinda more a short erotic film rather than straight-out porn (porn doesn't have *any* semblance of a plot, erotica does). Porn doesn't have 15 minutes of set-up.

And yes, porn does have scripts. They're short and usually flat, but they're there.

Seriously, what's wrong with it?
Click to expand...

To do well in contests a short has to sparkle. It has to be special.

This reads like a teens wet dream. Seriously cheesy.

Someone already said you should remove it (or simply censor the sex scene) because teens read this forum and I agree. You don't and have not.

The dialogue does not sound real. It sounds and reads staged and flat.

Have a read of this:

How to Write Great Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/how-to-write-great-dialogue.php

...and there's no need to include the details of the sex. Pro screenwriters don't.

And where is the story that sparkles?

Story is King
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/story-is-king.php

Presently I'd score your short 2/10.

Maybe your goal is not to place highly in contests - you're not even planning on submitting it. But if you do want to film it, why then have content (an explicit sex scene) that would turn many indie actresses away. Sure you can hire an adult 'actress' but the acting is going to be real bad.

I'd normally moderate my criticism but since you're posting adult material on a forum that teens visit and have not censored that content despite being asked...

Do I know what I'm talking about? I've been a finalist in various screenwriting contests and placed in the semis in the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Fellowships in Screenwriting Competition...
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0 Downvote
IndiePaul said:
To do well in contests a short has to sparkle. It has to be special.

This reads like a teens wet dream. Seriously cheesy.

Someone already said you should remove it (or simply censor the sex scene) because teens read this forum and I agree. You don't and have not.

The dialogue does not sound real. It sounds and reads staged and flat.

Have a read of this:

How to Write Great Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/how-to-write-great-dialogue.php

...and there's no need to include the details of the sex. Pro screenwriters don't.

And where is the story that sparkles?

Story is King
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/story-is-king.php

Presently I'd score your short 2/10.

Maybe your goal is not to place highly in contests - you're not even planning on submitting it. But if you do want to film it, why then have content (an explicit sex scene) that would turn many indie actresses away. Sure you can hire an adult 'actress' but the acting is going to be real bad.

I'd normally moderate my criticism but since you're posting adult material on a forum that teens visit and have not censored that content despite being asked...

Do I know what I'm talking about? I've been a finalist in various screenwriting contests and placed in the semis in the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Fellowships in Screenwriting Competition...
Click to expand...

Yeah, I'll remove the sex scene from this post. Thanks for the information. And why exactly is my dialogue unrealistic?
 
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Ignore these fools Lexi! I like the concept, the format does need a lot of work though. There's just too much action descriptions. It also needs to have some type of overall plot that it's moving towards. A lot of it just felt unnecessary. Keep working at it though! Rome wasn't built in a day.

Btw who cares what they say. I think it takes guts to write about anything involving porn now a days. So much respect in that regard! In a weird way, I think there is something really inviting about porn (no not because of the naked people having sex) There's like a mysterious underworld feeling to it that everyone knows about but can't talk about. Kind of like fight club lol. It's also sad in the same way as well.

But a story is a story to me. As long as it's got a purpose to it, I wouldn't care what it was about. Good luck!!!
 
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