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Please critique my very first screenplay

T

TSLexi

NSFW: Please critique my very first screenplay

Hi guys!

I've recently completed my very first short screenplay. A young TS porn star finds love in a lonely radiologist at a bar. I'm still trying to come up with a title.

Even though it's only 8 pages, I expect the running length to be around 15-20 minutes.

Whatever criticism you have, throw it at me!

Thanks for reading,
Lexi

PS: I've figured out who could play the girl...Domino Presley, or Morgan Bailey if she dyed her hair.

Screenplay (sorry, the formatting got lost when I copy-pasted it from CeltX; if you want a properly-formatted PDF copy, email me):

FADE IN:

EXT. BAR - DUSK

ALEXIS shivers in the cold wind, ice crystals forming in her long and styled crimson hair. Trying to keep herself warm, she trips on a patch of ice. WILL, a geeky-looking man, is stepping out from the BAR, a LIGHTER in his hand. He notices ALEXIS on the ground, and helps her up.

ALEXIS

(continuing)

Thanks. I keep forgetting that 7" heels and ice don't mix.

As ALEXIS regains her balance, WILL takes a CIGARETTE out of his jacket pocket,and lights it.

WILL

No problem. Would you like a cigarette, darling?

WILL pulls out another CIGARETTE from his pocket, and hands it to ALEXIS. Her hands are trembling from the cold as she pulls it to her raspberry lipstick-stained lips. WILL lights it for her, and she takes a long, slow drag.

ALEXIS

Thank you so much. I'm Alexis

WILL

You're very welcome. I'm Will.

ALEXIS

Nice to meet you.

ALEXIS notices the ID BADGE hanging from his jacket pocket.

ALEXIS

So, you're a radiologist? You shouldn't be smoking!

Both of them laugh as they take another drag from their cigarettes.

WILL

Well, we all have our issues.

ALEXIS

Yeah, but you should know better! I wanted to be a radiologist when I was little...

WILL

You really want to be stuck in a dark room all day, only coming out when some arrogant surgeon doesn't want to do their job?

ALEXIS looks away, and takes a long, slow drag.

ALEXIS

Well, it's...better than what I do now...

WILL looks puzzled, and moves in closer to her.


WILL

What do you do now, love?

ALEXIS

I'm an adult actress. It pays well, and it's enjoyable, but there's still times I wish I could've fulfilled my dream...

Their CIGARETTES having finished, they throw them to the ground. ALEXIS's FINGERS are turning blue. She is shaking from the icy winds.

WILL

Come on, let's go in. We don't need you to get frostbite.

WILL ushers ALEXIS into the BAR.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR - DUSK

They ENTER the BAR, which is almost empty. WILL takes a seat at the counter, next to his half-empty glass of BEER. ALEXIS sits down next to him.

WILL

Would you like anything?

ALEXIS

You paying?

WILL

Of course. A lady should never have to pay for her own drinks!

ALEXIS

Well, then I'll have a Long Island Iced Tea, neat.

WILL

You like 'em hard, don't you?

ALEXIS laughs to herself, and rolls her eyes.

WILL

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

WILL motions to the BARTENDER to come over.

WILL

Pour this lady a Long Island Iced Tea, and strain the ice out. So, Lexi, what happened to your dream?

ALEXIS looks nervous, staring at her reflection in the mirror on the liquor rack as the BARTENDER mixes her DRINK. She SIGHS.

WILL

What's wrong?

ALEXIS

I'm not a lady, Will.

WILL

Of course you are! Just because you're a porn star doesn't mean you're not a lady.

ALEXIS's lip starts quivering.

ALEXIS

I don't mean it like that...the type of porn I do...requires very special girls.

ALEXIS's eyes begin watering. WILL looks slightly shocked, but then puts his arm around her.

WILL

It's okay Lexi. You're still a girl to me. What's in the past is in the past.

The BARTENDER serves ALEXIS her DRINK, and WILL hands the BARTENDER a $20. ALEXIS takes a big gulp of it.

ALEXIS

My family didn't support my transition...I was one year away from graduating when they found out. They stopped funding my degree.I had no way to pay for it myself.

WILL

That's horrible sweetie. You deserve to be able to follow your dreams. I'm sorry they took that away from you.

ALEXIS starts weeping, and takes another swallow of her DRINK. WILL starts stroking her hair.

ALEXIS

All I wanted was to be a girl! Why is that so wrong?!? They ruined my life! I wanted to help people get better, not fuck guys for money!

She takes another swallow.

ALEXIS

(beat)

I hate them!

She takes yet another swallow.

ALEXIS

(beat)

I miss them so much!

WILL holds ALEXIS close as she starts sobbing into his chest. He gently strokes her crimson locks.

WILL

I know sweetie, I know.

Will gently KISSES ALEXIS's forehead.

WILL

Everything's going to be okay, baby girl.

The hard liquor is making ALEXIS sleepy.

WILL

Would you like to come home with me, little one? You shouldn't be alone tonight.

ALEXIS nods, as she starts falling asleep on WILL.

CUT TO:

INT. WILL'S HOUSE - NIGHT

WILL walks into the HOUSE, with ALEXIS on his arm. WILL takes ALEXIS's cropped leather motorcycle jacket off, and hangs it up on the coat rack. WILL sits down on the sofa, and ALEXIS lies her head down on his lap. WILL strokes her hair again.

ALEXIS

I like you.

WILL blushes.

WILL

Why's that, darling?

ALEXIS

'Cause you're nice to me.

WILL

Awwww...who wouldn't be nice to you?

ALEXIS

Lots of people.

WILL

Well those people can go fuck themselves. Sweetie, I bet those stripper boots are getting painful. You need help taking them off?

ALEXIS nods. She kicks her feet up on the coffee table. WILL unbuckles and unzips her boots, and gently pulls them off, along with her socks. ALEXIS wiggles her toes in relief.

WILL

Bet that feels so much better, doesn't it? Those boots are like Auschwitz for your toes!

WILL starts massaging her shoulders. ALEXIS cuddles up close to him.

WILL

You'll be safe with me, little one.

ALEXIS

Promise?

WILL KISSES her face. His hands wander up into her shirt, go under her bra, and start gently massaging her hard nipples. She MOANS softly.

WILL

I promise. You need so much love right now, baby girl.

ALEXIS

Can I tell you a secret?

WILL

Of course.

[Scene deleted]

WILL

Sleep well, baby girl.

FADE OUT
Click to expand...
 
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TSLexi said:
Yeah, I'll remove the sex scene from this post. Thanks for the information. And why exactly is my dialogue unrealistic?
Click to expand...

Most first time or less experienced screenwriters tend to have their characters say what they feel or think ("I am so angry at you!") or too presentational ("My name is Lexi, and I am a porn actress.").

In real life, we rarely say what we are thinking. What we say is the tip of the iceberg or even the opposite of how we really feel. Most of what goes on is unspoken, or revealed through behavior, action and body language.

Consider this:

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

A middle aged WOMAN (45) sits at the table, smoking. A clock nearby reads 3:20.

The back door CREAKS open. A middle aged MAN (45) in a disheveled suit stumbles in.

He sits next to her, takes her cigarette and puts it out. She heads straight to the sink filled with dishes.

MAN: Honey, I'll do it. Just go to sleep.

WOMAN: No, it's okay.

He gets up and shuffles to the sink where she's washing dishes. He puts his hand on her shoulder. She turns away and sits back down. She lights another cigarette.

MAN: I'm sorry. I should've called, with the Chinese investors in town we got --

WOMAN: Don't sweat it.

She gets up, goes to the counter to grab a pack of cigarettes. He follows her and puts a hand on her shoulder --

WOMAN: Touch me and I will scream.

MAN: I said I'm sorry. You know these things go late --

WOMAN: When did you start wearing Chanel No. 5?

She puts out her cigarette on the floor, and turns to leave.

WOMAN: Remember to set the alarm for six. Cory's got swimming practice.

He picks up the cigarette butt, and sits back down at the table.

#######

This is just something made up on the spot. Nothing too deep here, but notice that most of what is said isn't direct ("I am angry at you" or "You are with another woman!" or "Why are you so angry that I'm late?").
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
ChimpPhobiaFilms said:
Yes! Ignore everyone trying to give you advice on how to improve!

:lol:
Click to expand...

I don't plan on ignoring people who try to help me out. Thanks for the advice.

BTW, here's a rewrite that's in progress. I'm providing more background to the characters, and making the set up longer. Please continue to give advice.

FADE IN

INT. FILM SET

A CREW is filming a tall, tattooed, heavily made-up red-headed dominatrix, ALEXIS, cruelly LAUGHS at a male SUBMISSIVE chained to a chair.

ALEXIS

Now, will you ever disobey me again?

SUBMISSIVE

No...never...Mistress

The cameras stop rolling. ALEXIS unchains her SUBMISSIVE, and helps him out of the chair. They then walk off the set.

ALEXIS

Well, that was fun, wasn't it? I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

SUBMISSIVE

It was great. We should definitely work together again.

NICK, the director, CLAPS his hands.

NICK

That's a wrap. Good work everyone.

ALEXIS

So, when will I get the shoot for my site?

NICK

I should have it for you in around a week. Tell me, have you ever thought of doing mainstream acting? I'd love to have you for one of my mainstream projects.

ALEXIS

You don't have any mainstream projects. Well, save for your senior project for film school. God I remember that awful pile of crap.

NICK

It was innovative!

ALEXIS

No, Nick, no. "Innovative" is Shane Carruth's Primer. A movie about a sentient microwave attempting to "electromagnetically-reprogram" anyone who uses it to agree with Soviet socialism is just stupid, if not insane.

NICK SIGHS.

ALEXIS

And then I was stupid enough to accept the role of the protagonist.

NICK

You wanted to act!

ALEXIS

Because I needed the money for my laser beard removal. I still cannot believe your professor funded that pile of misery.

NICK

Nobody ever takes me and my creative ability seriously! This is why I'm here directing porn! Nobody understands me!

ALEXIS

Maybe you should learn to write, and then people might.

NICK

Do you have any ideas, Spielberg?

ALEXIS

If I help you, you'll never learn. Anyway, me and my bed have a date tonight. Email me the final cut.

CUT TO:

INT. WILL'S HOME

WILL, a twinkish and grungy-looking radiologist, is reporting imaging studies on his LAPTOP in his messy home office. He looks seriously annoyed.

WILL

Are these ER docs even capable of doing a physical exam?! You don't need a fucking chest CT to diagnose a PE when the patient's neck veins are trying to burst out of her skin and her heartbeat is faster than a grindcore album's percussion section!

His PAGER goes off, and he CALLS BACK the number on his SMARTPHONE. He LISTENS, and then DISCONNECTS.

WILL

Oh. My. God!!!! No, Bob, I am NOT doing your job for you! YOUR patient gets a post-surgical abscess, YOU fix it! Putting in a percutaneous drain isn't rocket science!

WILL reports a few more films and then closes down his VPN to the hospital's PACS, and opens up his browser, and points it to Match.com. He logs in, and sees that nobody responded to his profile. He SIGHS, and CLOSES his LAPTOP.He then walks outside to head to the BAR.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR - NIGHT

WILL enters the BAR, and sits down. The BARTENDER comes over.

BARTENDER

Usual, Will?

WILL

Yep.

The BARTENDER pours him a glass of BEER. WILL pays for it, and takes a swallow. He looks around and sees the other PATRONS having fun and talking. He SIGHS.

WILL

I wish I had somebody...anybody.

BARTENDER

Will, you're smart, attractive, and you have a great job. I'm sure you'll find someone.

WILL

Bob, you've been saying that for years. It's not going to happen.

BARTENDER

Stop being a pessimist.

WILL

I'm going to have a smoke.

CUT TO:

EXT. BAR - NIGHT

ALEXIS is walking home from the film set. Winds HOWL, and ice crystals are forming in her hair. She's SHIVERING. She trips on a patch of ice.WILL WALKS OUT, holding a LIGHTER. He notices ALEXIS on the ground, and helps her up.

ALEXIS

Thanks. I keep forgetting 7" heels and ice don't mix.

WILL

No problem.

WILL takes a CIGARETTE from his pocket, and lights it.

WILL

Would you like a cig? I'm Will, by the way.

ALEXIS

Sure. I'm Lexi, nice to meet you.

WILL hands ALEXIS a CIGARETTE and lights it for her. Her hands tremble as she takes a drag.

WILL

I hope your day went better than mine.

ALEXIS

What do you mean?

WILL takes a drag.

WILL

I'm a radiologist. It seems that every physician tries to outsource their intellect to me, and it's driving me crazy.

ALEXIS

Really?

WILL

Yeah. The art of the patient history and physical exam is dead. 90% of my studies are un-necessary. And they wonder why healthcare costs are rising...you're getting bored, aren't you?

WILL takes a drag. ALEXIS's fingers are turning blue.

WILL

Wanna come in with me?


CUT TO:

INT. BAR - NIGHT


WILL sits down at his former position at the bar. ALEXIS follows him. Many of the MALE PATRONS stare at her.

WILL

God you're beautiful.

ALEXIS SMIRKS

ALEXIS

The art of makeup.

A drunk MAN staggers over to where they're at.

ALEXIS

Can I help you?

MAN

(slurred)

You're the prettiest woman I've ever seen! I wanna fuck you!

ALEXIS laughs.

ALEXIS

You can't afford me.

MAN

(slurred)

I can pay.

ALEXIS

Stop embarrasing yourself and fuck off.

The MAN walks away. WILL GIGGLES.

WILL

Bet that happens a lot.

ALEXIS

Yeah. I'm an adult actress, not a whore.

The BARTENDER comes over.

BARTENDER

Can I get you anything, love?

ALEXIS

Long Island Iced Tea, neat.

ALEXIS pulls out her WALLET. WILL STOPS her.

WILL

A lady should never pay for her drinks.

ALEXIS

Thanks. I had a long day on set.

WILL pays for ALEXIS's DRINK.

BARTENDER

(whispering to WILL)

See? I told you.

CUT TO:

INT. EDITING STUDIO - NIGHT

NICK loads the tapes from ALEXIS's shoot into his WORKSTATION. He GASPS.

NICK

Oh god.

NICK CALLS ALEXIS.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR - NIGHT

ALEXIS's SMARTPHONE RINGS. SHE ANSWERS.

INTERCUT BETWEEN ALEXIS AND NICK



ALEXIS

How's the cutting going?

NICK

It seems that my camera turned off halfway through filming. We have to reshoot the entire scene.

ALEXIS takes a SWALLOW of her DRINK.

ALEXIS

Were you too busy ogling me to notice this?!

NICK hangs his head.

NICK

Yes...

ALEXIS takes another sip.

ALEXIS

Forget about making the next Vertigo right now. You can't even direct a fucking porn scene!!!

NICK

Do I still get paid?

ALEXIS

No!!!

ALEXIS HANGS UP. She takes a GULP of her DRINK.

CUT TO:
Click to expand...
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
uhaulforlovers said:
Most first time or less experienced screenwriters tend to have their characters say what they feel or think ("I am so angry at you!") or too presentational ("My name is Lexi, and I am a porn actress.").

In real life, we rarely say what we are thinking. What we say is the tip of the iceberg or even the opposite of how we really feel. Most of what goes on is unspoken, or revealed through behavior, action and body language.

Consider this:

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

A middle aged WOMAN (45) sits at the table, smoking. A clock nearby reads 3:20.

The back door CREAKS open. A middle aged MAN (45) in a disheveled suit stumbles in.

He sits next to her, takes her cigarette and puts it out. She heads straight to the sink filled with dishes.

MAN: Honey, I'll do it. Just go to sleep.

WOMAN: No, it's okay.

He gets up and shuffles to the sink where she's washing dishes. He puts his hand on her shoulder. She turns away and sits back down. She lights another cigarette.

MAN: I'm sorry. I should've called, with the Chinese investors in town we got --

WOMAN: Don't sweat it.

She gets up, goes to the counter to grab a pack of cigarettes. He follows her and puts a hand on her shoulder --

WOMAN: Touch me and I will scream.

MAN: I said I'm sorry. You know these things go late --

WOMAN: When did you start wearing Chanel No. 5?

She puts out her cigarette on the floor, and turns to leave.

WOMAN: Remember to set the alarm for six. Cory's got swimming practice.

He picks up the cigarette butt, and sits back down at the table.

#######

This is just something made up on the spot. Nothing too deep here, but notice that most of what is said isn't direct ("I am angry at you" or "You are with another woman!" or "Why are you so angry that I'm late?").
Click to expand...

Thanks! I'm so used to working in print media, I keep forgetting a screenplay isn't a book!
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
ChimpPhobiaFilms said:
Act the scene out with another person. Or say the lines out loud. Does it sound realistic? Do you think people would say that?
Click to expand...

Both great ways to work with dialogue.

But since you wrote the dialogue, you're biased. You can be somewhat objective but only somewhat, not fully.

I always get other people involved. Actors and actresses and tell them to be brutally honest. Get them together, assign parts, have a read-through of the scene.

I also seek their advice in relation to how they would 'act out' that scene dialogue-wise.

A girlfriend or partner may not be objective - you got to encourage them to be honest with their critique.

Ideally assign a male a male role, a female a female role. The sexes talk very differently.

Done right, you'll get a lot of great feedback on your dialogue and will be able to improve it a lot.

The pick-up scenes in Crazy Stupid Love were really well written. The dialogue in general in that script was great.

If you don't read produced pro screenplays then start doing so, they'll teach you a huge amount about screenwriting including dialogue writing.
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0 Downvote
One other element that will sell your story as more believable is to specifically say Alexis is the only girl in an all male bar, which is where Will hangs out. Otherwise, Will having a reaction like Alexis' parents over Alexis' surprise will be more believable.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Here's another rewrite

Hi guys, here's another rewrite:

FADE IN

INT. FILM SET - DAY

A CREW is filming a tall, tattooed, heavily made-up red-headed dominatrix, ALEXIS, cruelly LAUGHS at a male SUBMISSIVE chained to a chair.

ALEXIS

Now, will you ever disobey me again?

SUBMISSIVE

No...never...Mistress

ALEXIS then faces the CREW.

ALEXIS

Cut and print it. That's a wrap, good work everyone.

The cameras stop rolling. ALEXIS unchains her SUBMISSIVE, and helps him out of the chair. They then walk off the set.

ALEXIS

Well, that was fun, wasn't it? I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

SUBMISSIVE

It was great. We should definitely work together again.

Her SUBMISSIVE EXITS. ALEXIS then goes over to her cinematographer, NICK.

ALEXIS

So, when will I get the shoot for my site?

NICK

I should have it for you in around a week. Tell me, have you ever thought of doing mainstream acting? I'd love to have you for one of my mainstream projects.

ALEXIS

You don't have any mainstream projects. Well, save for your senior project for film school. Your cinematography was the only thing that made it half-way watchable.

NICK

Come on! It was innovative!

ALEXIS

No, Nick, no. "Innovative" is Shane Carruth's Primer. A movie about a sentient microwave attempting to "electromagnetically-reprogram" anyone who uses it to agree with Soviet socialism is just stupid, if not insane.

NICK SIGHS.

ALEXIS

And then I was stupid enough to accept the role of the protagonist.

NICK

You wanted to act!

ALEXIS

Because I needed the money. I still cannot believe your professor funded that pile of misery.

NICK

Nobody ever takes me and my creative ability seriously! This is why I'm here shooting porn! Nobody understands me!

ALEXIS

Maybe you should learn that a sequence of pretty images doesn't make a film, and then people might.

NICK

Do you have any ideas, Spielberg?

ALEXIS

If I help you, you'll never learn. Stick with what you're good at. Anyway, me and my bed have a date tonight. Email me the final cut.

CUT TO:

INT. WILL'S HOME - DAY

WILL, a twinkish and grungy-looking radiologist, is reporting imaging studies on his LAPTOP in his messy home office. He looks seriously annoyed.

WILL

Are these ER docs even capable of doing a physical exam?! You don't need a fucking chest CT to diagnose a PE when the patient's neck veins are trying to burst out of her skin and her heartbeat is faster than a grindcore album's percussion section!

His PAGER goes off, and he CALLS BACK the number on his SMARTPHONE. He LISTENS, and then DISCONNECTS.

WILL

Oh. My. God!!!! No, Bob, I am NOT doing your job for you! YOUR patient gets a post-surgical abscess, YOU fix it! Putting in a percutaneous drain isn't rocket science!

WILL reports a few more films. He CLOSES his LAPTOP. His SMARTPHONE RINGS. The SCREEN shows that his girlfriend, ELLEN is calling. He SIGHS and ANSWERS.

WILL

(into phone)

Hi. What's up.

ELLEN

(over phone)

You missed our date night...again.

WILL

(into phone)

I had a lot of work.

ELLEN

(over phone)

Is your work more important than me? Every time you say you'll spend time with me, something always comes up.

WILL

(into phone)

Do you want people to die?!

WILL

(beat, into phone)

I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. How about dinner and a movie at 8 this Saturday.

ELLEN

(over phone)

Be there or its over.

ELLEN DISCONNECTS. WILL SIGHS. He heads out.


CUT TO:

INT. BAR - DAY

WILL enters a BAR, and sits down. The BARTENDER comes over.

BARTENDER

Usual, Will?

WILL

Yep.

The BARTENDER pours him a glass of BEER. WILL pays for it, and takes a swallow. He looks around and sees the other PATRONS having fun and talking. He SIGHS.

WILL

Ellen's a self-important bitch.

BARTENDER

Really?

WILL

Yeah. Apparently she's more important than all the lives depending on the radiology department.

BARTENDER

You should've dated another doctor.

WILL

Yeah, or at least someone who understands unpredictable schedules. I can't just ignore a page for an emergency intervention, can I?

BARTENDER

But you do that all the time.

WILL

If I ignore a page, it's because the clinician doesn't want to do their job. If a surgeon can do a Whipple, they can stick a needle into an abscess.

BARTENDER

Well, they're really busy.

WILL

And I'm not? I have films to read! Call me when an alcoholic needs a TIPS done or an aortic aneurysm needs to be repaired! I'm an interventional radiologist, not an errand boy!

WILL takes a gulp of BEER.

WILL

I need a smoke.

CUT TO:

EXT. BAR - DAY

ALEXIS is walking home from the film set. Winds are strong. She trips on a crack in the sidewalk. WILL is smoking a CIGARETTE. He notices ALEXIS on the ground, and helps her up.

ALEXIS

Thanks. Stupid heels get caught in everything.

WILL

No problem. Wow, those are some massive boots!

ALEXIS

You like? They're my favorite!

WILL

Would you like a cig? I'm Will, by the way.

ALEXIS

Sure. I'm Lexi, nice to meet you.

WILL hands ALEXIS a CIGARETTE and lights it for her. She takes a drag.

WILL

I hope your day went better than mine.

ALEXIS

What do you mean?

WILL takes a drag.

WILL

I'm a radiologist. It seems that every physician tries to outsource their intellect to me, and it's driving me crazy.

ALEXIS

Really?

WILL

Yeah. The art of the patient history and physical exam is dead. 90% of my studies are un-necessary. Then there's the surgeons who think I'm just a glorified technician and they can just create problems willy-nilly because I'm there to clean up thier messes.And they wonder why healthcare costs are rising.

WILL

(beat)

You're getting bored, aren't you?

ALEXIS takes a drag.

WILL

Wanna come in with me?


CUT TO:

INT. BAR - DAY


WILL sits down at his former position at the bar. ALEXIS follows him. She's the only female in an all-male bar.

WILL

God you're beautiful.

ALEXIS SMIRKS

ALEXIS

The art of makeup.

A drunk MAN staggers over to where they're at.

ALEXIS

Can I help you?

MAN

(slurred)

You're the prettiest woman I've ever seen! I wanna fuck you!

ALEXIS laughs.

ALEXIS

You can't afford me.

MAN

(slurred)

I can pay.

ALEXIS

Stop embarrasing yourself and fuck off.

The MAN walks away. WILL GIGGLES.

WILL

Bet that happens a lot.

ALEXIS

Yeah. I'm not a whore.

The BARTENDER comes over.

BARTENDER

Long Island Iced Tea, neat?

ALEXIS

You got it.

ALEXIS pulls out her WALLET. WILL STOPS her.

WILL

A lady should never pay for her drinks.

ALEXIS

Thanks. I had a long day on set.

WILL pays for ALEXIS's DRINK.

BARTENDER

(whispering to WILL)

See? I told you.

CUT TO:

INT. EDITING STUDIO - DAY

NICK loads the tapes from ALEXIS's shoot into his WORKSTATION. He GASPS.

NICK

Oh god.

NICK CALLS ALEXIS.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR - day

ALEXIS's SMARTPHONE RINGS. SHE ANSWERS.

INTERCUT BETWEEN ALEXIS AND NICK



ALEXIS

How's the cutting going?

NICK

It seems that my camera turned off halfway through filming. We have to reshoot the entire scene.

ALEXIS takes a SWALLOW of her DRINK.

ALEXIS

Were you too busy ogling me to notice this?!

NICK hangs his head.

NICK

Yes...

ALEXIS takes another sip.

ALEXIS

Forget about making the next Vertigo right now. You can't even shoot a fucking porn scene!!!

NICK

Do I still get paid?

ALEXIS FACEPALMS.

ALEXIS

No!!!


CUT TO:

INT. BAR - DAY

ALEXIS HANGS UP. She takes a GULP of her DRINK.

ALEXIS

Well, that's $10,000 down the drain. Idiot.

WILL

What are you going to do?

ALEXIS SIGHS, and takes another sip.

ALEXIS

Kill him. If I don't update my site, I have no income. Stupid boy thinks he's going to be the next Hitchcock, and he can't even remember to make sure his camera's on!

ALEXIS downs the last of her DRINK, and storms out. WILL takes another sip of his BEER.

WILL

Never thought being a porn star would be so stressful.

BARTENDER

Well, she also produces and directs it. Oh you should hear her stories of all the mishaps that happen on set.

WILL

She comes here often?

BARTENDER

She's been coming here since I started working.

Noticing WILL's BEER is empty, he pours him another. WILL hands him some more money.

BARTENDER

I remember when she was a still a film student, always here with her laptop either writing a screenplay or editing a production. She loved writing fantasy movies.She was one of the sweetest people I've ever met. Broke my heart to see her get teased for her looks. Poor thing.

WILL

Teased? For her looks? Why?! She looks amazing!

BARTENDER

She wasn't always.

CUT TO:
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Modern Day Myth Prod. LLC said:
Getting better.

There is background on Alexis and a buildup to a possible relationship. Alexis' background reminds me of Princess Donna.
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Yeah, I'm beginning to realize that Alexis is somewhat like Princess Donna as well.

I've written 10 pages, so we have around 10 minutes of screentime. The first act is done, and the second act is beginning.

I'm still trying to figure out the genre of this screenplay.
 
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OK, here's a rewrite:

FADE IN

INT. FILM SET - DAY

A CREW is filming a tall, tattooed, heavily made-up red-headed dominatrix, ALEXIS, cruelly LAUGHS at a male SUBMISSIVE chained to a chair.

ALEXIS

Now, will you ever disobey me again?

SUBMISSIVE

No...never...Mistress

ALEXIS then faces the CREW.

ALEXIS

Cut and print it. That's a wrap, good work everyone.

The cameras stop rolling. ALEXIS unchains her SUBMISSIVE, and helps him out of the chair. They then walk off the set.

ALEXIS

Well, that was fun, wasn't it? I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

SUBMISSIVE

It was great. We should definitely work together again.

Her SUBMISSIVE EXITS. ALEXIS then goes over to her cinematographer, NICK.

ALEXIS

So, when will I get the shoot for my site?

NICK

I should have it for you in around a week. Tell me, have you ever thought of doing mainstream acting? I'd love to have you for one of my mainstream projects.

ALEXIS

You don't have any mainstream projects. Well, save for your senior project for film school. Your cinematography was the only thing that made it half-way watchable.

NICK

Come on! It was innovative!

ALEXIS

No, Nick, no. "Innovative" is Shane Carruth's Primer. A movie about a sentient microwave attempting to "electromagnetically-reprogram" anyone who uses it to agree with Soviet socialism is just stupid, if not insane.

NICK SIGHS.

ALEXIS

And then I was stupid enough to accept the role of the protagonist.

NICK

You wanted to act!

ALEXIS

Because I needed the money. I still cannot believe your professor funded that pile of misery.

NICK

Nobody ever takes me and my creative ability seriously! This is why I'm here shooting porn! Nobody understands me!

ALEXIS

Maybe you should learn that a sequence of pretty images doesn't make a film, and then people might.

NICK

Do you have any ideas, Spielberg?

ALEXIS

If I help you, you'll never learn. Stick with what you're good at. Anyway, me and my bed have a date tonight. Email me the final cut.

CUT TO:

INT. WILL'S HOME - DAY

WILL, a twinkish and grungy-looking radiologist, is reporting imaging studies on his LAPTOP in his messy home office. He looks seriously annoyed.

WILL

Are these ER docs even capable of doing a physical exam?! You don't need a fucking chest CT to diagnose a PE when the patient's neck veins are trying to burst out of her skin and her heartbeat is faster than a grindcore album's percussion section!

His PAGER goes off, and he CALLS BACK the number on his SMARTPHONE. He LISTENS, and then DISCONNECTS.

WILL

Oh. My. God!!!! No, Bob, I am NOT doing your job for you! YOUR patient gets a post-surgical abscess, YOU fix it! Putting in a percutaneous drain isn't rocket science!

WILL reports a few more films. He CLOSES his LAPTOP. His SMARTPHONE RINGS. The SCREEN shows that his girlfriend, ELLEN is calling. He SIGHS and ANSWERS.

WILL

(into phone)

Hi. What's up.

ELLEN

(over phone)

You missed our date night...again.

WILL

(into phone)

I had a lot of work.

ELLEN

(over phone)

Is your work more important than me? Every time you say you'll spend time with me, something always comes up.

WILL

(into phone)

Do you want people to die?!

WILL

(beat, into phone)

I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. How about dinner and a movie at 8 this Saturday.

ELLEN

(over phone)

Be there or its over.

ELLEN DISCONNECTS. WILL SIGHS. He heads out.


CUT TO:

INT. BAR - DAY

WILL enters a BAR, and sits down. The BARTENDER comes over.

BARTENDER

Usual, Will?

WILL

Yep.

The BARTENDER pours him a glass of BEER. WILL pays for it, and takes a swallow. He looks around and sees the other PATRONS having fun and talking. He SIGHS.

WILL

Ellen's a self-important bitch.

BARTENDER

Really?

WILL

Yeah. Apparently she's more important than all the lives depending on the radiology department.

BARTENDER

You should've dated another doctor.

WILL

Yeah, or at least someone who understands unpredictable schedules. I can't just ignore a page for an emergency intervention, can I?

BARTENDER

But you do that all the time.

WILL

If I ignore a page, it's because the clinician doesn't want to do their job. If a surgeon can do a Whipple, they can stick a needle into an abscess.

BARTENDER

Well, they're really busy.

WILL

And I'm not? I have films to read! Call me when an alcoholic needs a TIPS done or an aortic aneurysm needs to be repaired! I'm an interventional radiologist, not an errand boy!

WILL takes a gulp of BEER.

WILL

I need a smoke.

CUT TO:

EXT. BAR - DAY

ALEXIS is walking home from the film set. She trips on an crack in the sidewalk. WILL is smoking a CIGARETTE. He notices ALEXIS on the ground, and helps her up.

ALEXIS

Thanks. Stupid heels get caught in everything.

WILL

No problem. Wow, those are some massive boots!

ALEXIS

You like? They're my favorite!

WILL

Would you like a cig? I'm Will, by the way.

ALEXIS

Sure. I'm Lexi, nice to meet you.

WILL hands ALEXIS a CIGARETTE and lights it for her. She takes a drag.

WILL

I hope your day went better than mine.

ALEXIS

What do you mean?

WILL takes a drag.

WILL

I'm a radiologist. It seems that every physician tries to outsource their intellect to me, and it's driving me crazy.

ALEXIS

Really?

WILL

Yeah. The art of the patient history and physical exam is dead. 90% of my studies are un-necessary. Then there's the surgeons who think I'm just a glorified technician and they can just create problems willy-nilly because I'm there to clean up thier messes. And they wonder why healthcare costs are rising.

WILL

(beat)

You're getting bored, aren't you?

ALEXIS takes a drag.

WILL

Wanna come in with me?


CUT TO:

INT. BAR - DAY


WILL sits down at his former position at the bar. ALEXIS follows him. She's the only female in an all-male bar.

WILL

God you're beautiful.

ALEXIS SMIRKS

ALEXIS

The art of makeup.

A drunk MAN staggers over to where they're at.

ALEXIS

Can I help you?

MAN

(slurred)

You're the prettiest woman I've ever seen! I wanna fuck you!

ALEXIS laughs.

ALEXIS

You can't afford me.

MAN

(slurred)

I can pay.

ALEXIS

Stop embarrasing yourself and fuck off.

The MAN walks away. WILL GIGGLES.

WILL

Bet that happens a lot.

ALEXIS

Yeah. I'm not a whore.

The BARTENDER comes over.

BARTENDER

Long Island Iced Tea, neat?

ALEXIS

You got it.

ALEXIS pulls out her WALLET. WILL STOPS her.

WILL

A lady should never pay for her drinks.

ALEXIS

Thanks. I had a long day on set.

WILL pays for ALEXIS's DRINK.

BARTENDER

(whispering to WILL)

See? I told you.

CUT TO:

INT. EDITING STUDIO - DAY

NICK loads the tapes from ALEXIS's shoot into his WORKSTATION. He GASPS.

NICK

Oh god.

NICK CALLS ALEXIS.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR - day

ALEXIS's SMARTPHONE RINGS. SHE ANSWERS.

INTERCUT BETWEEN ALEXIS AND NICK



ALEXIS

How's the cutting going?

NICK

It seems that my camera turned off halfway through filming. We have to reshoot the entire scene.

ALEXIS takes a SWALLOW of her DRINK.

ALEXIS

Were you too busy ogling me to notice this?!

NICK hangs his head.

NICK

Yes...

ALEXIS takes another sip.

ALEXIS

Forget about making the next Vertigo right now. You can't even shoot a fucking porn scene!!!

NICK

Do I still get paid?

ALEXIS FACEPALMS.

ALEXIS

No!!!


CUT TO:

INT. BAR - DAY

ALEXIS HANGS UP. She takes a GULP of her DRINK.

ALEXIS

Well, that's $10,000 down the drain. Idiot.

WILL

What are you going to do?

ALEXIS SIGHS, and takes another sip.

ALEXIS

Kill him. If I don't update my site, I have no income. Stupid boy thinks he's going to be the next Hitchcock, and he can't even remember to make sure his camera's on!

ALEXIS downs the last of her DRINK, and storms out. WILL takes another sip of his BEER.

WILL

Never thought being a porn star would be so stressful.

BARTENDER

Well, she also produces and directs it. Oh you should hear her stories of all the mishaps that happen on set.

WILL

She comes here often?

BARTENDER

She's been coming here since I started working. She's come a long way since then.

Noticing WILL's BEER is empty, he pours him another. WILL hands him some more money.

BARTENDER

I remember when she was a still a film student, always here with her laptop either writing a screenplay or editing a production. She loved writing fantasy movies. She was one of the sweetest people I've ever met. Broke my heart to see her get teased for her looks. Poor thing.

WILL

Teased? For her looks? Why?! She looks amazing!

BARTENDER

She wasn't always.

CUT TO:

INT. ALEXIS'S HOUSE - DAY

ALEXIS enters, the door slamming behind her. She throws off her jacket, and crashes onto her couch.

ALEXIS

Nick you stupid, stupid person. Do you realize how much money you just cost me?

ALEXIS puts her hand to her forehead and SIGHS.

ALEXIS

I only have a 20% profit margin on these shoots.

(beat)

I'm not going to be able to pay my bills!

She gets up, goes to her liquor cabinet, and pours herself a glass of half vodka and half Coke. She then opens up another cabinet, and takes out two prescription bottles. She takes out two pills from each. Two pills are tiny and blue, the other two are larger and yellow. She SIGHS, and washes the pills down with her drink.

ALEXIS

I'm going to have to go back on the game again....

CUT TO:
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I haven't read any of your subsequent drafts but I'd like to say I read the first one and I think it's best for the story to go nowhere. Like at the start I felt very viscerally connected to the characters, I was sympathetic to them. So the characters are great an you should keep them. I didn't like what happened after that, because of reasons put bluntly by others :) the whole thing seemed really artificial and rapid. I can definitely imagine these characters in a short mostly diologue thing but the sex scene pretty much ruins it for me.
Also I don't know many people who have a life dream of becoming a radiologist. What do they do? They do x-rays, right? I think like, ultrasound technician could be a good "dream" because like she wants to make people happy by showing them their feotuses... Idk if I'm explaining it well.
I'll try to keep up with your revisions because I want to see what you do with these characters!
 
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TSLexi said:
I'm still trying to come up with a title.
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You should call it I am TSLexi the forum scammer.

TSLexi is actually a porno ring scammer. They make threads in a variety of internet discussions forums. They place porno links on the sites once they have established the trust of the forum users.

The method of scamming is building user profiles in numerous discussion forums. The threads posted by TSLexi are purposely nonsense or provocative; however, they are very detailed as to appear genuine. The goal is to generate as many replies as possible. Once TSLexi (always the user name) establishes the trust of the forum users over many months, he then starts a thread with a disguised link that actually goes to porno, spam, or a virus. This can be done manually or with a bot.

Just google the name TSLexi, but don't clink on the transsexual or porno links. You will see countless porno sites mixed in with the discussion forum sites.



BEWARE!!!!!
 
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Any film, porn or otherwise, shouldn't rely on exploitation -- misery to a marginalized population for big bucks to the producers. For that reason alone this person belongs in IT's Hall of Shame.

I'm kind of a bit surprised some of you went along with this exploitation. :(
 
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GuerrillaAngel said:
Any film, porn or otherwise, shouldn't rely on exploitation -- misery to a marginalized population for big bucks to the producers. For that reason alone this person belongs in IT's Hall of Shame.

I'm kind of a bit surprised some of you went along with this exploitation. :(
Click to expand...


I'm surprised that you did not get it even after I told you the OP is a scammer. :rolleyes:
 
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looks like somebody posted this reply on ripoffreport.com

http://www.ripoffreport.com/r/TSLex...Forum-Virus-Spreader-Discussion-Forum-1197759


I know this loser. TSLexi tried to post on my site with all of their nonsense. Somebody else was posting to warn me about TSLexi. I finally had to delete the account of TSLexi for all of it to stop. TSLexi was obviously lying about being genuine on the site. All of his garbage was made up. He even sent private message to some of the forum members with links to transsexual and pervert sites. Watch out for this clown!
 
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