NSFW: Please critique my very first screenplay
Hi guys!
I've recently completed my very first short screenplay. A young TS porn star finds love in a lonely radiologist at a bar. I'm still trying to come up with a title.
Even though it's only 8 pages, I expect the running length to be around 15-20 minutes.
Whatever criticism you have, throw it at me!
Thanks for reading,
Lexi
PS: I've figured out who could play the girl...Domino Presley, or Morgan Bailey if she dyed her hair.
Screenplay (sorry, the formatting got lost when I copy-pasted it from CeltX; if you want a properly-formatted PDF copy, email me):
Hi guys!
I've recently completed my very first short screenplay. A young TS porn star finds love in a lonely radiologist at a bar. I'm still trying to come up with a title.
Even though it's only 8 pages, I expect the running length to be around 15-20 minutes.
Whatever criticism you have, throw it at me!
Thanks for reading,
Lexi
PS: I've figured out who could play the girl...Domino Presley, or Morgan Bailey if she dyed her hair.
Screenplay (sorry, the formatting got lost when I copy-pasted it from CeltX; if you want a properly-formatted PDF copy, email me):
FADE IN:
EXT. BAR - DUSK
ALEXIS shivers in the cold wind, ice crystals forming in her long and styled crimson hair. Trying to keep herself warm, she trips on a patch of ice. WILL, a geeky-looking man, is stepping out from the BAR, a LIGHTER in his hand. He notices ALEXIS on the ground, and helps her up.
ALEXIS
(continuing)
Thanks. I keep forgetting that 7" heels and ice don't mix.
As ALEXIS regains her balance, WILL takes a CIGARETTE out of his jacket pocket,and lights it.
WILL
No problem. Would you like a cigarette, darling?
WILL pulls out another CIGARETTE from his pocket, and hands it to ALEXIS. Her hands are trembling from the cold as she pulls it to her raspberry lipstick-stained lips. WILL lights it for her, and she takes a long, slow drag.
ALEXIS
Thank you so much. I'm Alexis
WILL
You're very welcome. I'm Will.
ALEXIS
Nice to meet you.
ALEXIS notices the ID BADGE hanging from his jacket pocket.
ALEXIS
So, you're a radiologist? You shouldn't be smoking!
Both of them laugh as they take another drag from their cigarettes.
WILL
Well, we all have our issues.
ALEXIS
Yeah, but you should know better! I wanted to be a radiologist when I was little...
WILL
You really want to be stuck in a dark room all day, only coming out when some arrogant surgeon doesn't want to do their job?
ALEXIS looks away, and takes a long, slow drag.
ALEXIS
Well, it's...better than what I do now...
WILL looks puzzled, and moves in closer to her.
WILL
What do you do now, love?
ALEXIS
I'm an adult actress. It pays well, and it's enjoyable, but there's still times I wish I could've fulfilled my dream...
Their CIGARETTES having finished, they throw them to the ground. ALEXIS's FINGERS are turning blue. She is shaking from the icy winds.
WILL
Come on, let's go in. We don't need you to get frostbite.
WILL ushers ALEXIS into the BAR.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR - DUSK
They ENTER the BAR, which is almost empty. WILL takes a seat at the counter, next to his half-empty glass of BEER. ALEXIS sits down next to him.
WILL
Would you like anything?
ALEXIS
You paying?
WILL
Of course. A lady should never have to pay for her own drinks!
ALEXIS
Well, then I'll have a Long Island Iced Tea, neat.
WILL
You like 'em hard, don't you?
ALEXIS laughs to herself, and rolls her eyes.
WILL
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
WILL motions to the BARTENDER to come over.
WILL
Pour this lady a Long Island Iced Tea, and strain the ice out. So, Lexi, what happened to your dream?
ALEXIS looks nervous, staring at her reflection in the mirror on the liquor rack as the BARTENDER mixes her DRINK. She SIGHS.
WILL
What's wrong?
ALEXIS
I'm not a lady, Will.
WILL
Of course you are! Just because you're a porn star doesn't mean you're not a lady.
ALEXIS's lip starts quivering.
ALEXIS
I don't mean it like that...the type of porn I do...requires very special girls.
ALEXIS's eyes begin watering. WILL looks slightly shocked, but then puts his arm around her.
WILL
It's okay Lexi. You're still a girl to me. What's in the past is in the past.
The BARTENDER serves ALEXIS her DRINK, and WILL hands the BARTENDER a $20. ALEXIS takes a big gulp of it.
ALEXIS
My family didn't support my transition...I was one year away from graduating when they found out. They stopped funding my degree.I had no way to pay for it myself.
WILL
That's horrible sweetie. You deserve to be able to follow your dreams. I'm sorry they took that away from you.
ALEXIS starts weeping, and takes another swallow of her DRINK. WILL starts stroking her hair.
ALEXIS
All I wanted was to be a girl! Why is that so wrong?!? They ruined my life! I wanted to help people get better, not fuck guys for money!
She takes another swallow.
ALEXIS
(beat)
I hate them!
She takes yet another swallow.
ALEXIS
(beat)
I miss them so much!
WILL holds ALEXIS close as she starts sobbing into his chest. He gently strokes her crimson locks.
WILL
I know sweetie, I know.
Will gently KISSES ALEXIS's forehead.
WILL
Everything's going to be okay, baby girl.
The hard liquor is making ALEXIS sleepy.
WILL
Would you like to come home with me, little one? You shouldn't be alone tonight.
ALEXIS nods, as she starts falling asleep on WILL.
CUT TO:
INT. WILL'S HOUSE - NIGHT
WILL walks into the HOUSE, with ALEXIS on his arm. WILL takes ALEXIS's cropped leather motorcycle jacket off, and hangs it up on the coat rack. WILL sits down on the sofa, and ALEXIS lies her head down on his lap. WILL strokes her hair again.
ALEXIS
I like you.
WILL blushes.
WILL
Why's that, darling?
ALEXIS
'Cause you're nice to me.
WILL
Awwww...who wouldn't be nice to you?
ALEXIS
Lots of people.
WILL
Well those people can go fuck themselves. Sweetie, I bet those stripper boots are getting painful. You need help taking them off?
ALEXIS nods. She kicks her feet up on the coffee table. WILL unbuckles and unzips her boots, and gently pulls them off, along with her socks. ALEXIS wiggles her toes in relief.
WILL
Bet that feels so much better, doesn't it? Those boots are like Auschwitz for your toes!
WILL starts massaging her shoulders. ALEXIS cuddles up close to him.
WILL
You'll be safe with me, little one.
ALEXIS
Promise?
WILL KISSES her face. His hands wander up into her shirt, go under her bra, and start gently massaging her hard nipples. She MOANS softly.
WILL
I promise. You need so much love right now, baby girl.
ALEXIS
Can I tell you a secret?
WILL
Of course.
[Scene deleted]
WILL
Sleep well, baby girl.
FADE OUT
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