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Organ Donor - Two One Charlie

VPTurner

VPTurner

Organ Lottery - Two One Charlie

Still a ways to go with this, but only had time tonight to bang out just over three pages. Probably need at least ten to complete this sequence.

Figured I'd post this now since everyone is going in varied directions. This segment will ultimately combine family drama with conspiracy theory.

http://www.angelfire.com/on2/Vinnie/Two_One_Charlie.pdf
 
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Interesting. Curious to see where it goes. In the shooting scene, you state:
Bruce returns fire, and the suited man crashes against the
wall as his leg gives out from under him in a spray of blood.
He groans and fires squarely at Bruce, hitting him twice in
the back.
Click to expand...
If Bruce is facing the guy and shooting him, how can Bruce be hit twice in the back?

Looking forward to more.
 
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Loomis said:
Like you said, the script is still in its infancy, but you got me interested quick enough.

I liked the character moments in the beginning, too.
Click to expand...

Thanks.

The ending I have in mind will blow the "not knowing who wins" premise. So I'd be interested in hearing thoughts about that. Because in this piece, the conspiracy to fix the lottery is real.
 
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VPTurner said:
Bruce is prone on the floor. The man shooting him is aiming down, propped against the wall.
Click to expand...

Bruce fumbles for the volume control, but it’s too late. He
drops the radio and hits the floor, prone and ready, as the
office door bursts open.
Click to expand...

Okay, I misread it. My apologies. Bruce comes across as being an amateur rent-a-cop. In my first read, I thought he only dropped the radio. Breaking up those two actions might make that clearer.

Bruce returns fire, and the suited man crashes against the
wall as his leg gives out from under him in a spray of blood.
He groans and fires squarely at Bruce, hitting him twice in
the back.
Click to expand...

I acknowledge it's just me, but I see this guy running into a hall facing the wall with the intent of running to his right. Bruce is off to his left on the ground. The bad guy is shot and runs headlong into the wall. If he's right handed, his gun is pointing off to the right. He needs to twist about to shoot at Bruce. Since he's collapsing, he'd likely twist to his left. This will form an acute angle between the gun and the floor (and Bruce's back).

The physics of it are wrong for me. Perhaps as he's sliding down, Bruce starts to stand. Then the bad guy could land two straight shots to his chest.

Sorry to belabor the point. As I said, it captured my interest and I would like to see how this will tie into the organ donor lottery. Will Bruce be depositing or withdrawing? :)
 
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FantasySciFi said:
Okay, I misread it. My apologies. Bruce comes across as being an amateur rent-a-cop. In my first read, I thought he only dropped the radio. Breaking up those two actions might make that clearer.



I acknowledge it's just me, but I see this guy running into a hall facing the wall with the intent of running to his right. Bruce is off to his left on the ground. The bad guy is shot and runs headlong into the wall. If he's right handed, his gun is pointing off to the right. He needs to twist about to shoot at Bruce. Since he's collapsing, he'd likely twist to his left. This will form an acute angle between the gun and the floor (and Bruce's back).

The physics of it are wrong for me. Perhaps as he's sliding down, Bruce starts to stand. Then the bad guy could land two straight shots to his chest.

Sorry to belabor the point. As I said, it captured my interest and I would like to see how this will tie into the organ donor lottery. Will Bruce be depositing or withdrawing? :)
Click to expand...

Thanks for the feedback. Point taken that I need to analyze this more carefully and make it clear in the next draft.

Those who would rather wait for the next draft, don't read this:

Bruce becomes a recipient. The goal with the shooting is to take out his kidneys and also allude to the conspiracy. The direction it's taking in my mind (intertwined with the family drama) is that the company lawyer pays him off, buying his silence with a lottery ticket that just happens to be a winning number. Introducing the family shows that he has something to lose aside from his own life if he doesn't cooperate, and their impoverished way of life shows he has much to gain aside from a kidney. This incident takes place several days before the drawing, and both Bruce and family watch it on the TV in the hospital room. The sequence will end with the drawing, Bruce staring at a clipboard with legal documents, pen in hand. Closing image is of the lottery ticket clipped at the top of the documents.

Side note,
the fact that the lottery is fixed in my vision adds extra dimension to the 9 year old girl who is also waiting for her chance at life. Imagine the audience's reaction when they realize that she has no chance.
 
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I actually really enjoyed that, even though it was a radical change in tone from what I had been imagining!

I like the family scenes (although the goth sister sounded a little too much like Stan's sister in South Park) and also the scenes with Bruce. I have to say that I agree with FantasySciFi in that when I read it I was confused as to how he had been shot in the back.

I look forward to seeing where this is going, but having ignored your precaution and gone and read beneath the spoiler tags I have a few questions.

Firstly what are the chances of cleanly taking out both kidneys with two gunshots? I have to say that that seems like a fatal injury to me, even if they do manage to hit the kidneys. Secondly, under the current set of circumstances anyone in need of an organ transplant is eligible for a ticket to the lottery. Is that really an effective way to buy his silence? Or do they promise to rig it for him? Also why, having gone so far as to shoot him twice, don't they just kill him? Why do they need to buy his silence at all? Surely this just means the loss of one of the ten organs they could've made money corruptly controlling the distribution of? My third concern is time frame. Obviously we are still at an early point with proceedings but I thought we had tentatively agreed that all action will happen on the day of the draw...?

Most of these are just technical concerns about the overall picture.

But I would reiterate that I really enjoyed what I read so far! :)
 
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NickClapper said:
I actually really enjoyed that, even though it was a radical change in tone from what I had been imagining!

I like the family scenes (although the goth sister sounded a little too much like Stan's sister in South Park) and also the scenes with Bruce. I have to say that I agree with FantasySciFi in that when I read it I was confused as to how he had been shot in the back.

I look forward to seeing where this is going, but having ignored your precaution and gone and read beneath the spoiler tags I have a few questions.

Firstly what are the chances of cleanly taking out both kidneys with two gunshots? I have to say that that seems like a fatal injury to me, even if they do manage to hit the kidneys. Secondly, under the current set of circumstances anyone in need of an organ transplant is eligible for a ticket to the lottery. Is that really an effective way to buy his silence? Or do they promise to rig it for him? Also why, having gone so far as to shoot him twice, don't they just kill him? Why do they need to buy his silence at all? Surely this just means the loss of one of the ten organs they could've made money corruptly controlling the distribution of? My third concern is time frame. Obviously we are still at an early point with proceedings but I thought we had tentatively agreed that all action will happen on the day of the draw...?

Most of these are just technical concerns about the overall picture.

But I would reiterate that I really enjoyed what I read so far! :)
Click to expand...

I will reveal that the shots take out one of them, and the other is operating at reduced efficiency - congenital defect, but of course the family didn't know because he doesn't visit the doctor much given their financial circumstances. Code 30 means other officers would have hit the scene long before anyone involved could undo what happened. The lawyers don't know what he knows and want to make sure what he knows (if anything) stays under wraps.

I could, of course, just cut everything and open in the hospital, but where's the fun in that? This is a melding of my original family drama idea and Knightly's desire to shoot something more action focused and less dialogue heavy.

Yeah, the sister was inspired by "Goth. Not Goth." :lol: I may change that up. Just having fun with it.
 
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So the people who've shot him and almost killed him later offer him, as a way of keeping him silent, the chance to possibly receive an organ transplant? Seems a pretty shitty deal :D Sorry if I'm being obtuse but I still don't get why they don't just put a bullet through his head as soon as he sends out the radio message? Surely the backup wouldn't arrive that quickly, especially as his assailant is standing right in front of him...?
 
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NickClapper said:
So the people who've shot him and almost killed him later offer him, as a way of keeping him silent, the chance to possibly receive an organ transplant? Seems a pretty shitty deal :D Sorry if I'm being obtuse but I still don't get why they don't just put a bullet through his head as soon as he sends out the radio message? Surely the backup wouldn't arrive that quickly, especially as his assailant is standing right in front of him...?
Click to expand...

I guess you missed the fact that his assailant was dead.
Actually, not the "possibility" of receiving one. He will receive one. The ticket is a winning ticket. The lottery is fixed.

But this is why I needed to throw it out in infancy because I don't want to continue with this direction unless there's consensus that it can fit with the whole. I could always drop the whole conspiracy angle and just end with Bruce dead, becoming a donor. No worries.
 
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Yep, I must have completely missed that! :) That was silly of me. Just re-read it and that makes sense.

I think it's important that if we have a conspiracy thriller section it's 100% plausible. I'm absolutely not against the idea, but having seen the other scripts I think it needs have roughly the same tonal feel to it, even if the plot is more extravegent. My concern at the moment is not that you haven't written a good script (I really like it, as I said before) but that if this thread isn't totally plausible it will adversely affect the rest of the threads.

So I think it's better to try and iron out any plotting kinks as early as possible :)
 
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Okay, Mr. Producer. Analyze the pieces, summarize the primary line of action (the "spine"), and we'll give it some flesh and bones. :)

Ideally, we need a head writer/editor, someone who has the time to work with all pieces and all writers to maintain cohesion. I personally would not have the time to manage the script as a whole, but am happy to contribute.
 
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I'm hoping to get to some of these scripts this week. There are quite a few of them on the board!

Vince, which link is the latest draft?

And is there a logline they all stem from?

Thanks!

* maybe create a catchall thread for all of them..?
 
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Conspiracy?

Scanning through this thread with all the BLACKED OUT ENTRIES, I'm wondering if there isn't a conspiracy. :hmm: Looks like declassified documents on UFO sightings. :P

Seriously, one way to do this is to assign 1-3 unique numbers to the writers. The head writer(s) have to come up with the lottery premise just as "presented to the populace". The writers have to develop scenarios for their characters based on this premise. Only the head writer(s) know the 'winning numbers'. When all the writers have submitted their pre-announcement clips. The head writer(s) announce the winning numbers. Now all the writers have to write post-announcement clips. It adds mystery on both sides. In the meantime, the head writer(s) have to develop what exactly is won (if you want a conspiracy or whatever. :pop:

As an aside if there are 500 contestants and you are choosing 10, some of those numbers will fall in the 100-500 range.
 
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I would reiterate that my concern isn't for a moment over anyone's ability to put together a good standalone script, its that all the pieces have to fit together.

If in this script we decide that the lottery is being corruptly controlled then that's going to be a 'fact' for every script. So it's best that we decide as a group whether an idea like that is workable.

Personally I think it could easily be compatible with the other scripts, but I think it might need to be tweaked a little so that there's slightly more ambiguity about the corruption, rather than just accepting that there's a conspiracy. But these are just my two pence...
 
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NickClapper said:
I would reiterate that my concern isn't for a moment over anyone's ability to put together a good standalone script, its that all the pieces have to fit together.

If in this script we decide that the lottery is being corruptly controlled then that's going to be a 'fact' for every script. So it's best that we decide as a group whether an idea like that is workable.

Personally I think it could easily be compatible with the other scripts, but I think it might need to be tweaked a little so that there's slightly more ambiguity about the corruption, rather than just accepting that there's a conspiracy. But these are just my two pence...
Click to expand...

I've brainstormed a way over lunch to eliminate the conspiracy reference and just make it an unfortunate work tragedy (changing the "suits" to thieves looking for drugs or something). This way he becomes just another hopeful recipient and all of it can take place on the same day as the drawing.

Still waiting on Knightly to chime in here since this is the brainchild of our weekend collaboration....
 
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Flicker Pictures said:
I'm hoping to get to some of these scripts this week. There are quite a few of them on the board!

Vince, which link is the latest draft?

And is there a logline they all stem from?

Thanks!

* maybe create a catchall thread for all of them..?
Click to expand...

The link in the first post is the only draft of my segment so far. The direction I take it is based solely on consensus. I have at least three different endings and two different lines of action on the table.

And then there's the question of "tone". What "tone" are we going for here? :weird:
 
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I think in a conspiracy, there are people privy to the information, people who say they know it's there and people who think the previous group are crackpots... witnesses, however, are often too afraid of dying to say anything - especially if they have alot to lose. Your script/segment doesn't specifically have to acknowledge the other segments much at all to live in the same world - the point is that they focus on different possible aspects of the same event.

a small segment dealing with someone working though internal issues of their lottery possibilities doesn't have to acknowledge the possibility of a conspiracy at all... the point of the story we discussed was to show the effect of someone who was entering the lottery finding out either that it was corrupt or not... if you remove that piece due to the community reaction to that particular element, it no longer pertains to the plot, therefore should be removed completely from the script.

The point isn't to create a standardized story from differing viewpoints, but to explore the topic (from what I understood) - if not, then it's not a good candidate (IMHO) for a filming exercise made with disparate writers and disparate crews.

I think the designed by committee part needs to end at defining the world, not how people act within it... that would bring it back to a single filmmaker's film, not a distributed community effort. If the result of a group's exploration doesn't fit into the main story, then it doesn't get added, but careful craftspersonship should allow anyone to fit any aspect into the overall story at the end.

VPT, I know you want to make sure the community accepts the script while it's still in its infancy, but I don't think they're seeing the full picture of it at this stage - I wasn't responding because I was going to wait until you had it further developed... but here's my notes on the script (which I really like so far and was a terrifically fast read even for 4 pages): notes are in page-block notation
1-3: Kids are 11 years apart, seemed a bit wide until the second child was introed - disregard
2-4: a bit "on point" explanation of the "Goth" persona? Seems too interactive for the look.
2-10: Caller ID should be identified in the action block
3-12: Shot in the back could be lessened to shot in the arm, leg or wearing a vest (he is armed after all).

That's all I had so far as it's a nascent script. I'd prefer to wait until the story is more completely written to comment further. However, I don't think you should be making edits at this point until the story is on paper - I don't agree with changing the focus of the original intent of the script until it's done and a good solid conversation about the role of each of the segment production crews is hammered out better - if it's just to shoot something that comes from a single writer, then let's get a single writer to make the whole script and shoot segments of that - but I thought it was to offer a world to explore.

I'm not interested in doing a straight introspective segment in the least and would withdraw based on that. I want to do this project, but I'd rather be given the freedom to explore our story and characters within the collective world. I (and the rest of the segment production crews) are looking to invest a large chunk of time, personnel and money into producing our segments. The scripts need to match the sensibilities of the crew/casts a bit to truly be presented in the best light at the end of the day for a project like this.

Sometimes, playing your cards closer to your chest for a little longer will keep you more confident in your abilities... you're doing fabulously from where I sit, I'd like to see you continue writing the story we had discussed rather than shifting gears in the middle of it... I'm also more available by phone more than by internet, so if you want more immediate feedback, phone will get you that.
 
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