Opening of "The Last Little Girl"

[wheatgrinder]

All, here is my latest inspiration. Part of why I like this is that its Doable with what I have on hand. I have the leading role already cast (yes shes my kid!)

Please give it a quick read and suggest improvements or any other comments...




INT. YOUNG GIRLS BED ROOM-Morning

Early morning light is entering the upstairs bedroom window. The dull light moves on to the form of a sleeping young girl approximately ten or eleven years old. Her face is obscured by mussed blond hair. The girl grunts at the light, squeezes her eyes tighter closed and rolls onto her stomach. Quite farm sounds can be heard in the background, the digital alarm clock on the night stand is plugged in, but dark.

INT. YOUNG GIRLS BED ROOM-MORNING-later

Dreary daylight fills the young girls bedroom the sleeping form on the bed stirs and rises from the bed. The sounds of animals waiting to be fed, and duck quacking to be let out of the coop draw the girl from the warmth of her bed, into the cool mid morning air. JAMIE rises from the bed and begins her morning routine in the otherwise empty house.

JAMIE

I'm coming you stupid ducks

The ducks make even more noise in answer to her remark

EXT. FARM HOUSE-MORNING-LATER

Jamie is pouring feed from a rusted coffee can, the only sounds are the sounds of the fowls feeding, the gurgle of the creek running behind the pole barn and the slight breeze stirring the still bare branches of the Alder and Maple trees rising along the creeks banks. Jamie talks quietly to the ducks and chickens, calling them by name.

Jamie closes the gate to the duck yard and walks to the water storage tank. She climbs the step ladder, opens the tank and peers inside. The tank is almost empty. Jamie sighs and replaces the tank lid.

EXT. FARM HOUSE UNDER THE DECK-MORNING-LATER

Jamie walks from the water storage tank towards the quite generator waiting under the deck. She opens the gas tank of the generator and notices it too is empty, she moves to the nearby gas cans. She test lifts each can in turn, the first three are too full and heavy to easily move, the fourth one is only one quarter full. She carries the fourth gas can closer to the generator, removes the cap, and pours the fuel into the generators gas tank. She replaces the caps on the gas can and the generator gas tank. She bends and checks the engine oil level. She replaces the dip stick and pushes the generators start button, the generator roars to life, the noise of it shattering the still morning.

INT. FARM HOUSE BASEMENT-MORNING-LATER

Jamie is looking at the generator bypass electrical panel. The sound of the running generator is clearly heard. In the light from a single flickering bulb Jamie's finger traces the labels on the breakers: "Well and Pump", "Kitchen", "Gas Furnace Fan" and "Living Room." Jammie flips on the "Well and Pump", and the "Kitchen" breakers, she turns to leave, but then on impulse flips on the "Living Room" breaker too.

INT. FARM HOUSE LIVING ROOM-MORNING-LATER

Jamie is playing a video game on the big screen TV. The drone of the generator competing with the action sounds as Jamie plays the game. Bored with the game, Jamie tosses the game controller on the couch besides her, stands and walks into the kitchen. Jugs, pitchers, and water bottles fill one of the counters. Jamie checks the large orange construction water cooler in the sink and sees that is full enough, she struggles and removes it and places a large plastic pitcher in the sink. She sets the pitcher to fill as she turns to the cupboard. Jamie removes a box of powdered milk, pours some of it into a pitcher of water and stirs.

INT. FARM HOUSE DINNING ROOM-MORNING-LATER

With the cereal box tucked under her arm, the pitcher in one hand and the bowl and spoon in the other, Jamie walks to the dinning room table and pours cereal into the bowl. She plays with the cereal in the bowl, deciding to forgo the awful tasting instant milk and eat the cereal dry. The sound of her spooning up the cereal is much like the sound of walking on a gravel road....

EXT. HIGH WAY-Day

Jamie and DADDY are walking along the otherwise empty gravel road, Daddy is pulling the wagon with several gas cans. Jammie is carrying a fishing pole over her shoulder. It is a beautiful sunny afternoon.

JAMIE

Daddy, why don't we just drive the truck to the Noakes farm?

DADDY

Its such a nice day kiddo, and its not that far.

JAMIE

Can I fish in the river while you get the gas? I hate getting the gas out of the trucks, its so stinky.

DADDY

Tell you what. You fill the first can, to show me you know how, and THEN you can catch us some lunch!

Jamie and Daddy continue walking in companionable silence.

JAMIE

Daddy, where did everyone go?

DADDY

Honey, we've been over this before, I don't know anything new.. I...

JAMIE

I know Daddy, but I feel better when you tell me, I get scared sometimes...and when you explain it, it makes sense, at least a little..

DADDY

OK kiddo, OK, Ill tell you again..

INT. FARM HOUSE DINNING KITCHEN-MORNING LATER

Jamie finishes her breakfast and clears the dishes from the table. She washes the dishes by hand in the sink, the now full water containers crowding the counter. She places the hand washed dishes in the dishwasher to dry. She leaves the kitchen and walks towards the back room.

INT. Farm House Back Room-DAY

Jamie is practicing a simple piano song on the old upright, she turns the page of sheet music and ...

INT. FARM HOUSE BACK ROOM-EVENING

Jamie is sitting on the piano bench as she finishes turning the page of sheet music. The sound of the TV in the background, kids squabbling, mom directing the setting of the table for dinner and daddy typing on the nearby "back room" computer distract her from her practicing. Jamie sits, looking over Daddy's shoulder as he is working on something technical... after a few moments of no piano music..

Mom O.S.

Jamie, you still have 15 more minutes! Work on that new piece!

Jamie resolutely turns back to the piano...

DADDY

..oh wow, no way..... its really happening.. I cant believe its happening RIGHT NOW, in my life time...

Daddy knocks over the chair in his rush to leave the back room. Jamie, startled, follows him from the room.

JAMIE

Daddy, whats going on.. ??

INT. FARM HOUSE LIVING ROOM-EVENING

Jamie is standing in the hall, just out side the living room, watching her father with a curious smile on her face. Daddy, standing in front of the big screen TV stabs at the remote, changing to a 24 hour news channel. Amazed, Daddy slumps to thecouch, landing squarely on a toy that give a protesting squeak.

DADDY

Kim, honey, you better come see this, you wont believe whats happening...

 

[wheatgrinder]

Responding to my own thread, how cheesy! Does anyone else think that the VO is redundant and unnecessary? (never mind, I made and executive decision and removed it!)

 

[Buddy Greenfield]

Wheat,

You paint a nice image, and this can be a cool script, but I think you can look at your action lines and ask yourself some questions:

What is important in them?
What isn’t important in them?
How can they be shorter?
How can they be more direct?
What is being told and not shown or heard in them?
What is being over used in general in the script?

A few examples:

The upstairs bedroom window-
Is it important to know the window is i a bedroom upstairs? Can it be shorter?

Early morning light, dull light, the light, dreary light-
Is it shorter and more direct to just say the sun, or sunlight?

The girl – JAMIE-
Is it shorter and more direct to tell us her name as soon as we see her?

A young girl approximately ten or eleven years old-
Is it more direct and shorter to have just said JAMIE, (10) from the start?

The sounds of animals waiting to be fed-
Can we HEAR animals? Yes.
Can we HEAR they are waiting to be fed? No.

Daddy-
Does it feel "Daddy" is being over used?

If you go word by word through your action lines you will find more things like this.
When you do, its not a process of mining for short comings to feel down about, its a celebration of your abilty to discover how you might approach writing things the 1st time around. To see it is to know it, to know it is to be able to do it.

I think its important that you mentioned you can shoot this yourself, it demonstrates to me you are coming at things from a can-do budget minded realistic perspective. This is the very reason elements of your action lines should be as direct, short and show (and hear) not tell /logical and consise as possible.

A potential productive byproduct of sussing out tellin not showing is that you might be like "Hey wait, I can SHOW the creek out back, and I can SHOW the branches of the maples trees moving in the wind, these images might be worth the 1000 words we have always heard about!"

On the V.O., to me it can go either way, it’s a creative choice and a tool.
If you feel its how your story is best offered, then cool. If not, also cool.


I hope this can be of some help.

-Thanks-

 

[wheatgrinder]

Wheat,

You paint a nice image, and this can be a cool script, but I think you can look at your action lines and ask yourself some questions:

What is important in them?
What isn’t important in them?
How can they be shorter?
How can they be more direct?
What is being told and not shown or heard in them?
What is being over used in general in the script?

A few examples:

The upstairs bedroom window-
Is it important to know the window is i a bedroom upstairs? Can it be shorter?

Early morning light, dull light, the light, dreary light-
Is it shorter and more direct to just say the sun, or sunlight?

The girl – JAMIE-
Is it shorter and more direct to tell us her name as soon as we see her?

A young girl approximately ten or eleven years old-
Is it more direct and shorter to have just said JAMIE, (10) from the start?

The sounds of animals waiting to be fed-
Can we HEAR animals? Yes.
Can we HEAR they are waiting to be fed? No.

Daddy-
Does it feel "Daddy" is being over used?

If you go word by word through your action lines you will find more things like this.
When you do, its not a process of mining for short comings to feel down about, its a celebration of your abilty to discover how you might approach writing things the 1st time around. To see it is to know it, to know it is to be able to do it.

I think its important that you mentioned you can shoot this yourself, it demonstrates to me you are coming at things from a can-do budget minded realistic perspective. This is the very reason elements of your action lines should be as direct, short and show (and hear) not tell /logical and consise as possible.

A potential productive byproduct of sussing out tellin not showing is that you might be like "Hey wait, I can SHOW the creek out back, and I can SHOW the branches of the maples trees moving in the wind, these images might be worth the 1000 words we have always heard about!"

On the V.O., to me it can go either way, it’s a creative choice and a tool.
If you feel its how your story is best offered, then cool. If not, also cool.


I hope this can be of some help.

-Thanks-

Great advice! Look for my next update to include many of your suggestions.

Basically, this is set at my house\farm, so Im being a bit over descriptive.

I do note that Im over using the "the sound of" crutch, Ill do away with some of it. In my current revision, there is at least one place where it is important to the transition from "now" to the "flash back" Id be real curious about opinions on that. Sorta feels lime Im being cleaver, just to be cleaver..

As this is my farm, and we have ducks, I assure you, you CAN hear when the ducks are waiting to be fed, however, your point is taken

I like being a Daddy, but I can see how it would be better to be a name!

Thanks

 

[Buddy Greenfield]

Sounds are a great and vital tool to communicate story, but the means to record them can’t distinguish if a baby is crying because it misses its parent, or crying because it’s Monday. It just records a baby crying. The action line is the written means to record them.

If ducks are heard and Jamie puts the pillow over her head and yells “Shut upppp! I’ll feed you when I feed you!”, then using what can be heard and what can be seen to prompt exposition through dialogue to reveal character through subtext is in place. It also makes the ducks getting louder funnier and a nice little button line type gag.


Personally I would use like JAMIE’S FATHER as the name, and “Daddy” as what she calls him. This way it’s not Daddy Daddy Daddy all over the page (Which can get distracting), and it gives more impact and meaning to when she says it.

I have to add, that if it's a 1st draft you are feeling your way through, then it's fine to just let it flow out into text as it comes. The reason for my thoughts are consdierations for rewriting, and so you can maybe have some other ways see things.

-Thanks-

 

[wheatgrinder]

Sounds are a great and vital tool to communicate story, but the means to record them can’t distinguish if a baby is crying because it misses its parent, or crying because it’s Monday. It just records a baby crying. The action line is the written means to record them.

If ducks are heard and Jamie puts the pillow over her head and yells “Shut upppp! I’ll feed you when I feed you!”, then using what can be heard and what can be seen to prompt exposition through dialogue to reveal character through subtext is in place. It also makes the ducks getting louder funnier and a nice little button line type gag.


Personally I would use like JAMIE’S FATHER as the name, and “Daddy” as what she calls him. This way it’s not Daddy Daddy Daddy all over the page (Which can get distracting), and it gives more impact and meaning to when she says it.

I have to add, that if it's a 1st draft you are feeling your way through, then it's fine to just let it flow out into text as it comes. The reason for my thoughts are consdierations for rewriting, and so you can maybe have some other ways see things.

-Thanks-

Thanks for the ideas. I see what your getting at about sound and exposition. Ill try to work somethings out . Ill not reply with big rewrites, just tidbits for specific questions, that said, I might start up a social group as an "archive" of my efforts..

Iv already updated the DADDY to a Name, and also to Jamie's dialog differing terms, Daddy and Dad depending on mood, context etc. It really was distracting, I appreciate you all for pointing that out.

This is my working first draft, I'm trying NOT to fix everything with what I already written before I feel my way through the next parts, however I do find it rewarding to rework whats already done. Hopefully this will work for me, time will tell.

Thanks