logline Newest loglines --

[AntonioHR]

When the vietnam veteran who saved his life is unjustly incarcerated for murder, a young man becomes a lawyer to fight for his freedom.

In 1970’s Chicago, a troubled young man struggles through law school and fights to free the unjustly incarcerated Vietnam veteran who saved his life.

A white law-student and a black vietnam vet form a barrier-breaking friendship in 1970s’ America - until the vet is jailed for a murder he didn’t commit and his young buddy dedicates his life and career to proving his innocence.

 

[AntonioHR]

Not really sure I understand what you're saying here...

He is a Vietnam vet because he was wrongfully incarcerated?

That just doesn't make any sense to me. Are you saying he was of the era when they used to say, "Either go into the military or go to jail?" And if so... How is he incarcerated NOW? Maybe you could explain that dynamic a little more.

I get that the lawyer is NOT a Vietnam vet... How do these two meet? Is your Vietnam vet incarcerated AFTER these two become acquainted? Friends?

And again... IF SO? What are their SIMILAR circumstances with society?

They are friends before, yes. The vet was more likely to be drafted because he was black. He is wrongfully incarcerated when he returns. THIS IS NOT A SYNOPSIS

 

[AntonioHR]

LOL. What does THAT even mean? WTF?

are u stupid? It means exactly what I said.

 

[Unknown Screenwriter]

Who said anything about a synopsis? Believe it or not, we were all attempting to help.

 

[Unknown Screenwriter]

are u stupid? It means exactly what I said.

WOW. Dude... GET A GRIP. LOL. No, I'm NOT stupid but thanks for asking.

I never thought anything you wrote in any of your posts was a synopsis which is why I asked. Now you're calling me stupid? LOL.

I think you're absolutely correct... You need to GO write your script in peace.

We do not understand YOU (apparently) and you sure as hell do not understand us.

 

[AntonioHR]

Who said anything about a synopsis? Believe it or not, we were all attempting to help.

how are you helping? You're just berating me?

 

[Unknown Screenwriter]

how are you helping? You're just berating me?

At what point was I berating you?

From Google...

be·rate
/bəˈrāt/
verb
gerund or present participle: berating
scold or criticize (someone) angrily.

At what point did I ever do that? At no point at all.

 

[AntonioHR]

WOW. Dude... GET A GRIP. LOL. No, I'm NOT stupid but thanks for asking.

I never thought anything you wrote in any of your posts was a synopsis which is why I asked. Now you're calling me stupid? LOL.

I think you're absolutely correct... You need to GO write your script in peace.

We do not understand YOU (apparently) and you sure as hell do not understand us.

At what point was I berating you?

From Google...

be·rate
/bəˈrāt/
verb
gerund or present participle: berating
scold or criticize (someone) angrily.

At what point did I ever do that? At no point at all.

you're only asking me questions, that's not feedback, it feels like you're attacking my ideas and not giving me advice or telling me how I can change my logline.

 

[AntonioHR]

Not really sure I understand what you're saying here...

He is a Vietnam vet because he was wrongfully incarcerated?

That just doesn't make any sense to me. Are you saying he was of the era when they used to say, "Either go into the military or go to jail?" And if so... How is he incarcerated NOW? Maybe you could explain that dynamic a little more.

I get that the lawyer is NOT a Vietnam vet... How do these two meet? Is your Vietnam vet incarcerated AFTER these two become acquainted? Friends?

And again... IF SO? What are their SIMILAR circumstances with society

Here are some different ideas --

In 1970’s Chicago, a troubled young man struggles through law school and fights to free the unjustly incarcerated Vietnam veteran who saved his life.

A white law-student and a black vietnam vet form a barrier-breaking friendship in 1970s’ America - until the vet is jailed for a murder he didn’t commit and his young buddy dedicates his life and career to proving his innocence.

In the 1970’s a law student dedicates his whole life and career to freeing his closest and only friend - a black Vietnam veteran who was wrongly convicted of murder and set to death row.

ALTERNATIVE --

A poor young man struggles through law school to become a lawyer and fights to free an unjustly imprisoned Vietnam veteran who saved his life during the war.

Two young U.S Marines serving in vietnam form an impenetrable friendship in the war, when they return, one of them is wrongfully imprisoned for murder, his dear friend dedicates his life and career to proving his innocence.

OR

Two young U.S Marines serving in vietnam form an impenetrable friendship, when one of them is wrongfully jailed in a Vietnamese prison, his dear friend fights the authorities for his freedom.

 

[Unknown Screenwriter]

you're only asking me questions, that's not feedback, it feels like you're attacking my ideas and not giving me advice or telling me how I can change my logline.

If you LOOK in your thread, I did make a suggestion. Later on, I assumed after reading through the thread that I may have not fully understood your story... So? I asked a few questions.

I NEVER attacked your ideas. Not once. Hard to believe asking a few simple questions to better understand your story IN ORDER TO HELP is viewed by you as ATTACKING but oh well.

I'll go ahead and leave you to it.

 

[AntonioHR]

If you LOOK in your thread, I did make a suggestion. Later on, I assumed after reading through the thread that I may have not fully understood your story... So? I asked a few questions.

I NEVER attacked your ideas. Not once. Hard to believe asking a few simple questions to better understand your story IN ORDER TO HELP is viewed by you as ATTACKING but oh well.

I'll go ahead and leave you to it.

Here are some different ideas (hopefully not hard to understand) --

In 1970’s Chicago, a troubled young man struggles through law school and fights to free the unjustly incarcerated Vietnam veteran who saved his life.

A white law-student and a black vietnam vet form a barrier-breaking friendship in 1970s’ America - until the vet is jailed for a murder he didn’t commit and his young buddy dedicates his life and career to proving his innocence.

In the 1970’s a law student dedicates his whole life and career to freeing his closest and only friend - a black Vietnam veteran who was wrongly convicted of murder and set to death row.

ALTERNATIVE --

A poor young man struggles through law school to become a lawyer and fights to free an unjustly imprisoned Vietnam veteran who saved his life during the war.

Two young U.S Marines serving in vietnam form an impenetrable friendship in the war, when they return, one of them is wrongfully imprisoned for murder, his dear friend dedicates his life and career to proving his innocence.

OR

Two young U.S Marines serving in vietnam form an impenetrable friendship, when one of them is wrongfully jailed in a Vietnamese prison, his dear friend fights the authorities for his freedom.

 

[geckopelli]

ARE YOU STUPID? obviously he doesnt try to free him for so long, he frees him long before that and the decades after are just his life after that, jesus.

I'm a Professional Screenwriter-- what do you do for a living?. Nothing is obvious in my business, and we certainly don't waste our time trying to read the minds of idiots. Words are our thing. The only thing "obvious" is that you can't write.
I was trying to help, but you lack even fundamental knowledge of grammar and spelling. You're too ignorant to become a Screenwriter-- there's no place to start.
PASS.

 

[CelticRambler]

it is really not that hard to understand.

Maybe not for you, because you're writing it; but for me/us reading it, there are several things that are not clear.

I don't want them to both be vets is because I want them to have distinct paths/stories but bond due to the similar minds/ thoughts they have and their ages

This is one example: we all assumed that both characters bonded through shared service during the Vietnam war. Then you told us (above) that they didn't serve together, which raised two problems with the logline as written: (1) the fact that one character was a Vietnam vet was irrelevant so didn't need to be in the logline; and (2) you didn't give any indication of how the two characters did, in fact, form the bond which underpins the story.

Now, it seems, that you're re-writing things so that the two characters did, after all, serve together. Good - that makes more sense; but you still need to be clear about when and where the life-saving incident happened, and when and where the murder happened - it will completely change the dynamics of the story if the two incident were close together or took place years apart.

 

[AntonioHR]

I'm a Professional Screenwriter-- what do you do for a living?. Nothing is obvious in my business, and we certainly don't waste our time trying to read the minds of idiots. Words are our thing. The only thing "obvious" is that you can't write.
I was trying to help, but you lack even fundamental knowledge of grammar and spelling. You're too ignorant to become a Screenwriter-- there's no place to start.
PASS.

Wow... You are too high and mighty for me mate, your 'business' lmao.

 

[AntonioHR]

Maybe not for you, because you're writing it; but for me/us reading it, there are several things that are not clear.


This is one example: we all assumed that both characters bonded through shared service during the Vietnam war. Then you told us (above) that they didn't serve together, which raised two problems with the logline as written: (1) the fact that one character was a Vietnam vet was irrelevant so didn't need to be in the logline; and (2) you didn't give any indication of how the two characters did, in fact, form the bond which underpins the story.

Now, it seems, that you're re-writing things so that the two characters did, after all, serve together. Good - that makes more sense; but you still need to be clear about when and where the life-saving incident happened, and when and where the murder happened - it will completely change the dynamics of the story if the two incident were close together or took place years apart.

I don't think I can fit that in, it would be too long. How do you think I should do it.

 

[AntonioHR]

Maybe not for you, because you're writing it; but for me/us reading it, there are several things that are not clear.


This is one example: we all assumed that both characters bonded through shared service during the Vietnam war. Then you told us (above) that they didn't serve together, which raised two problems with the logline as written: (1) the fact that one character was a Vietnam vet was irrelevant so didn't need to be in the logline; and (2) you didn't give any indication of how the two characters did, in fact, form the bond which underpins the story.

Now, it seems, that you're re-writing things so that the two characters did, after all, serve together. Good - that makes more sense; but you still need to be clear about when and where the life-saving incident happened, and when and where the murder happened - it will completely change the dynamics of the story if the two incident were close together or took place years apart.

What about this?

A law student fights to free an unjustly imprisoned Vietnam vet who, during the war, went back into the jungle after an evacuation to rescue him from the viet-cong.

 

[CelticRambler]

What about this?

A law student fights to free an unjustly imprisoned Vietnam vet who, during the war, went back into the jungle after an evacuation to rescue him from the viet-cong.

Getting there, although if the two served together as we initially thought, then you've had some really good suggestions earlier in this thread. This version does explain the moral debt that the lawyer (student ... ? ) feels he owes his buddy. I think I'd flip the emphasis, though, and develop the theme suggested by @indietalk on page 1 - the lawyer feels the weight of this debt, but struggles with whether or not he can/should pay it back by defending his friend.

 

[AntonioHR]

Getting there, although if the two served together as we initially thought, then you've had some really good suggestions earlier in this thread. This version does explain the moral debt that the lawyer (student ... ? ) feels he owes his buddy. I think I'd flip the emphasis, though, and develop the theme suggested by @indietalk on page 1 - the lawyer feels the weight of this debt, but struggles with whether or not he can/should pay it back by defending his friend.

okay

 

[AntonioHR]

Getting there, although if the two served together as we initially thought, then you've had some really good suggestions earlier in this thread. This version does explain the moral debt that the lawyer (student ... ? ) feels he owes his buddy. I think I'd flip the emphasis, though, and develop the theme suggested by @indietalk on page 1 - the lawyer feels the weight of this debt, but struggles with whether or not he can/should pay it back by defending his friend.

This has to be it right?

A troubled lawyer deliberates whether to represent a veteran convicted for murder, the same soldier who went back into the jungle after his squad retreated to rescue the young man from the viet-cong during the war.

Or

A troubled lawyer fights to free a wrongfully convicted veteran who went back into the jungle after his squad retreated to rescue the young man from the viet-cong during the war.

Or

A troubled lawyer deliberates whether to represent a veteran convicted for murder, the same soldier who turned back to the jungle after his squad retreated to rescue the young man from the viet-cong during the war.

Or

A troubled lawyer deliberates whether to represent a veteran convicted for murder. During the Vietnam war this same soldier turned back to the jungle after his squad retreated to rescue the young man from the viet-cong.

 

[CelticRambler]

This has to be it right?

Maybe ...

I'm struggling with the focus of this story. Is it mostly about the "troubled lawyer", the Vietnam vet, the circumstances that led to them forming a stronger bond than other fellow-servicemen, or the strains on that bond because of the vet's conviction? Throughout all these variants, I keep thinking of John Grisham's A Time to Kill, and I'm not seeing in any of these loglines anything that places the emphasis anywhere other the same white-lawyer-defends-black-guy-in-trial theme. It feels like there might be (a lot) more to the story, but it's not coming across in the description.

Have you already written the screenplay? Or written it as a novel/short-story? Or are you also still trying to figure out how it all plays out?

 

[AntonioHR]

Maybe ...

I'm struggling with the focus of this story. Is it mostly about the "troubled lawyer", the Vietnam vet, the circumstances that led to them forming a stronger bond than other fellow-servicemen, or the strains on that bond because of the vet's conviction? Throughout all these variants, I keep thinking of John Grisham's A Time to Kill, and I'm not seeing in any of these loglines anything that places the emphasis anywhere other the same white-lawyer-defends-black-guy-in-trial theme. It feels like there might be (a lot) more to the story, but it's not coming across in the description.

Have you already written the screenplay? Or written it as a novel/short-story? Or are you also still trying to figure out how it all plays out?

I had written like 5 pages, no biggie. Still trying to see how it will work.

The final fifth of the script will likely be when the trial and so on occurs. The beginning will be made up of the story of the soldiers and as you said the circumstances that led to them forming a stronger bond than other fellow-servicemen/the strains on that bond because of the vet's conviction.

Perhaps this explains it better --

During the Vietnam war, after a squads' retreat from the jungle, one soldier returns into the jungle and rescues his closest friend from captivity. Several years later the saviour is accused of murder. His comrade-turned-lawyer then contemplates whether to represent the man who saved his life.