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Need some help with short film script

CrazyChris

CrazyChris

Hey, I posted this here a while ago and the shoot still hasn't happened. After getting all blocked up with my feature script - I kept false starting - I went back to it, and ended up making some big changes. Now I don't know what to think of it. Hopefully I'll finally get it shot some time soon, but first I'd just like some feedback on this thing. Hence the thread.

It's called "Death to Harrison". Here's the link:

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B0XZd-PXmoRrdXVsWC1WNUZGNkU/edit

Since I haven't had much to do with the forums for some time I'd be happy to make it up by looking at your scripts and/or films, if that's what you'd like. I'd go on different threads and help but you guys are quick to help out in any way I possibly could.

So yeah. Hope you can give it a look.


Chris

PS - Be warned, there is course language.
 
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Glad to give some help on this. I've critiqued other people's works before, so I can offer a seasoned opinion. Well, some what seasoned.

I'm going to go through some of the things that stuck out to me; both good and lackluster.

PROS:

The mood was building at the beginning was marvelous. I was beginning to get the feeling of a '50s noir film. Out of curiosity, is that what you're going for?

Everything is set up well. From the way you describe the setting to the way you describe Dylan.

I thought the dialog was good enough. I felt like it really was a mobster/druggie talking. That's possibly one of the hardest things to do.


CONS:

You should probably go back and proofread it. I found one instance where it says "losses" instead of "loses." By the way, that's on the 7th page....

Page 8 doesn't make sense to me. Maybe I missed something? Could you explain to me why he shoots Dylan, because that's leaving me scratching my head.

Also, (again, just a suggestion), I don't know if I'd describe a fridge as "shitty." I guess if you're at a loss for any other word, it works, but I don't think I've ever seen an obscenity in a screenplay description before. But it's your script, so I don't think anyone will hang you for it...

Overall, the pros outweigh the cons. I do like what you've done here, especially with Dylan and Harrison's character and the mood.

I hope you continue to get feedback.

Take care.
 
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Thank you very much Budget:0.

You make great points, and I hope you won't get annoyed if I try to defend myself. People tend to get annoyed.

I realise now that I totally stuffed up parts of the ending. Before this draft both Dylan and Harrison have guns, but I realised that didn't make sense. I even used to call it Two Guns. So that's why some of it is gibberish. It's amazing how blind I can be when reading the script three times to see if it's ready to be put out in a public forum.

With the use of shitty, that's probably a holdover from the older version, this being the eighth. I'm so desensitised to profanity from being 16.

And with The Boss shooting Dylan, it was just me trying to give it a climax. My friends loved it and honestly I hadn't second guessed it until now. My thinking was that all of Dylan's pain was for nothing, and that he's just a pawn in a sick game. I'm now reconsidering, though I'm lost as to how else to end. Would a "good job" do it? Would it be ok being so anti-climatic?

It would be better cost and time wise though, and my friend wouldn't have to get fake blood on him. I'm playing Harrison so I don't have to worry about that character.

And yeah, I see a noir style in my head too. I'm keeping it modern for the sake of actually being able to do it, but you're right on the ball.

And reading it after leaving it alone for a while, I really like the mood too, which I hadn't noticed before. It came totally by accident.

So thanks so much for the constructive criticism. I'm definitely taking this all into account.
 
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CrazyChris said:
Thank you very much Budget:0.

You make great points, and I hope you won't get annoyed if I try to defend myself. People tend to get annoyed.

I realise now that I totally stuffed up parts of the ending. Before this draft both Dylan and Harrison have guns, but I realised that didn't make sense. I even used to call it Two Guns. So that's why some of it is gibberish. It's amazing how blind I can be when reading the script three times to see if it's ready to be put out in a public forum.

With the use of shitty, that's probably a holdover from the older version, this being the eighth. I'm so desensitised to profanity from being 16.

And with The Boss shooting Dylan, it was just me trying to give it a climax. My friends loved it and honestly I hadn't second guessed it until now. My thinking was that all of Dylan's pain was for nothing, and that he's just a pawn in a sick game. I'm now reconsidering, though I'm lost as to how else to end. Would a "good job" do it? Would it be ok being so anti-climatic?

It would be better cost and time wise though, and my friend wouldn't have to get fake blood on him. I'm playing Harrison so I don't have to worry about that character.

And yeah, I see a noir style in my head too. I'm keeping it modern for the sake of actually being able to do it, but you're right on the ball.

And reading it after leaving it alone for a while, I really like the mood too, which I hadn't noticed before. It came totally by accident.

So thanks so much for the constructive criticism. I'm definitely taking this all into account.
Click to expand...

No problem, Chris.

As for the ending....

It should be dark. I definitely agree about that. I'm not saying that he can't die, I'm just saying that right now it doesn't make sense why he would (at least with his murderer being The Boss.) You could explain that he didn't do things by the books, and since he never does, The Boss takes him out to improve business.

An idea that comes to my mind is him getting caught. Then, we see the boss just enlisting another guy to take over, symbolizing that he not only wasted his time, but that he's been replaced and forgotten.
 
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I would definately have to agree with Budget. I would have to suggest that the Boss put the gun to his head, explain something to the effect of, "I've been wanting to get rid of you AND Harrison so I just had you do it so I could take you out afterwards blah blah blah." Then hands the gun to the new guy and kills him. It gives more of an actual reason to his death. Or the Boss could explain it to the new guy AFTER he's dead. I don't know. Other than that I thought the suspense was awesome.
 
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Thanks Gabe.

I'm thinking I need to figure out a good reason. I can't just pull a rabbit out of the hat. I need a set up.

I'm thinking that maybe I could do something along the lines of some pattern of death, admittedly kind of like this short animated film:

https://vimeo.com/9178331

So maybe Dylan is a small part of The Boss' pattern used to kill without loose ends.

This is a new idea, so I haven't thought it through. What do you guys think of that?
 
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Page 1 review ...

EXT. ALLEYWAY - DAY

We see a man leaning against the wall of a run down,
graffiti riden alleyway. He is smoking, staring down at the
ground. His eyes look strung out.

One of my biggest pet-peeves is WE SEE, and you have right off the bat. I know, lots of pros and produced screenplays have it, but I personally hate to see it. You want me to be fully engaged in this story on my own little journey, yet WE makes me feel I have a tour guide or something with me. I just hate it!

Next, you are using ING form verbs, when you should be using the infinitive form, saving ING for when it just works better (rarely).

Graffiti ridden is a compound adjective, and should read graffiti-ridden alley.

Bloodshot.

Blank.

It is indicative of fear.

Why not just say fear?

This man is DYLAN.

How old is Dylan? What's he look like?

Into the alleyway enters THE BOSS, and his BODYGUARD. The
Boss is dressed in very fine clothes. He walks up to Dylan.
He stands on the back of his heels.

You do not need to say alley. You made that clear in the slug. Also, don't need 'his' before Bodygaurd. Overuse of HE here. Try some commas to string these actions together and to avoid any pronoun confusion.

The bodyguard is dark and emotionally recluse. He stares at
Dylan.

THE BOSS
You’re pulling off a hit.

There’s a pause. He lets it sink in.

He who? He Dylan or he The Boss?? This is what I mean by pronoun confusion. I assume you mean Dylan?

Also, you intro Bodygaurd and follow with a The Boss dialogue. To make a script read like butter, you want to match as best as possible your actions with dialogue. You could reverse the intro, and have Bodygaurd come in first, do his intimidation thing,then have The Boss slip in, make his entrance more engaging, then follow with his dialogue.

THE BOSS
Harrison, the drug dealer. The
motherfucker’s stealing product. I
don’t give a fuck how it happens.

The Boss gets a picture out of his jacket and shows it to
Dylan.

Lose 'and'.

Dylan gives it a look. We see the face of HARRISON.

More WE SEE. Try 'Dylan glances at the photo of HARRISON'. Also, what's Harrison look like? Seeing how he is in the title, I think we need a solid image of him.

DYLAN
I know him. I used to get my stuff
from him.

You could just say 'I used to get my stuff from him' and that would cover the 'I know him' without having to say it. Look for opportunities to infer things, and give the audience a chance to interpret.

THE BOSS

Good.

The boss draws a gun from his pocket on the trail end of the
sentence, a handgun, and hands it to Dylan.

Sentance? It was one word. You are using more words than you need to explain things. Remember, a screenplay is a working document that folks on set need to access for information, like lighting, costume, makeup, locations, sound, etc, and tyhe more gobbly-gook you have, the greater the chance for error, or at the very last slowing things down.

You could also just say he draws a handgun, and lose the redundancy.

The Boss and his bodyguard walk away onto the road out of
the alleyway and disappear.

Here again lose 'his'. Also, since bodygaurd is the character's name, you need to cap it. Should be Bodygaurd. Too many words here as well. Try 'The Boss and Bodyguard exit the alley.' 16 words down to 7. That's 9 superflous words gone, and yes it does matter.

Dylan looks down at the gun.

Why down? Why not just 'Dylan looks at the gun'. ?

Purely from a finess in writing and communicating a cinematic story POV, I think this needs work. I would do a complete rewrite to clean it up.

I'll do story next.

alex
 
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CrazyChris -
FWIW, alexwhitmer is spot on - if you want to write a spec screenplay to sell to the industry.
It's a good format habit to develop if you eventually want somewhat professional people to review your screenplay and think "Yeah, this guy knows what he's doing."
Anone who does know what they're looking at would cite all the same things as AW has and might possibly infer that you don't know what you're doing and discretely decline an offer to participate in your project.

That said, if you're writing for yourself to direct and produce - it really doesn't matter WTH you write, spec screenplay format etiquette be d@mned.

Still, I'd learn it and apply it.

I just think you should know the difference.
A good screenplay format resource: http://www.scribd.com/doc/12721428/Professional-Screenplay-Formatting-Guide
Examples (which adhere to varying degrees. Ha!) : http://www.imsdb.com/latest/

Good luck.
 
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rayw said:
That said, if you're writing for yourself to direct and produce - it really doesn't matter WTH you write, spec screenplay format etiquette be d@mned.
Click to expand...

This is true but I still think it's important to format as correctly as possible, because the director is not the only person on set who has to read the script. You want it to be as clear, clean and professional for actors and crew as possible.

If things make sense to you but not to your sound recordist, for example, then it's going to mean a lot of extra time explaining things. The industry guidelines are there because they give you a set of formatting rules that everyone involved with films is supposed to understand.
 
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Ok, story.

Not sure I see the point here. If I had to guess at the underlying theme, I'd say it has something to do with trust, but just not sure what it is you want to convey. Don't trust anyone?

Dylan never really had any stakes here. Nothing to win or lose that would motivate him. It's basically ...

THE BOSS
'Here, kill this guy'.

DYLAN
Okay.

I'd like to see you develop Dylan's backstory enough to make his death tug the heartstrings a bit - assuming he's your protag?? That said, not sure why you picked the title that you did.

You have 4 male characters with guns and drugs as the main props. Nothing really screams original here.

As mentioned, if you do film your own material, then how and what you write is your game, but developing good writing skills and habits is always to your advantage, and will make things go smoother on set. And that can translate into saving time and money, and having a better finished product.

This for example ...


Harrison jumps up and walks over to his drawer on the wall
next to Dylan.

Jumps up? Where was he that he needed to jump up? I had to go back and find out, only to discover this ...

HARRISON
(sits on couch)
Na man, you aren’t sitting on my
couch.

You have a parethetical action lost in dialogue. This may seem trivial, but when you add all these kinds of things together, you do muck up a clean read and shoot. These (...) are called wrylies, and should be avoided unless absolutely needed to convey some bit of info that doesn't fit elsewhere. This was not one of those moments.

I missed it in the first read.

Not sure this is really ready to film as a complete story. If you want to build a reel, then by all means, shoot it.

I'd go back and focus on Dylan, give him some depth and a good reason to betray Harrison. If you clean out all the cobwebs in the text, you can save at least a page, and use that to give us a brilliant protag, and a brilliant antag.

a

http://thestarvingdramaturge.wordpress.com/


.
 
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CrazyChris said:
Thanks Gabe.

I'm thinking I need to figure out a good reason. I can't just pull a rabbit out of the hat. I need a set up.

I'm thinking that maybe I could do something along the lines of some pattern of death, admittedly kind of like this short animated film:

https://vimeo.com/9178331

So maybe Dylan is a small part of The Boss' pattern used to kill without loose ends.

This is a new idea, so I haven't thought it through. What do you guys think of that?
Click to expand...

Maybe he's shutting down the business and is "laying off" all of his workers:lol:
 
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Holy mother, a lot happened since yesterday. Thank you all, jesus.


alexwhitmer, my god you have really helped me out here. Everything you said was so correct and on the dot. Yes, I totally agree that correct formatting is a very good thing.

And your points on my story are very true. I'm definitely heading back to the drawing board and reinventing this thing to be so much better, as you've shown me it can. With the story I want to keep it very simple, hence the simple story, which is "Kill that guy", "Sure", "He's dead, now what?", bullet in the face. Not that I think simplicity dictates this, I do think I can achieve much better in this framework.

Thanks so much for taking out so much time to help me with my project.


rayw, you are also right. This is written for me and my friends for when we shoot it without help from anyone remotely professional. Spec formatting isn't necessary for me and would look alien to my friends, one of them couldn't understand why you shouldn't swear in description. BUT, it's really good practice. I hope to make a life out of filmmaking and possibly screenwriting, so not starting now is silly.

My friend has written what I think is an excellent script, and he's half illiterate and at the time he'd only seen my scripts to get an idea of formatting. He's certainly shown me the value of ignoring format for the sake of being able to actually make the thing. I, on the other hand, can and should do better.

So thanks very much.


NickClapper, I guess the above goes. Thanks. Loved your review on The Avengers. It was so nice to see someone else didn't like that movie.


Budget:0, dude, can I use that? I think I will. My mind just exploded with a new idea. But hey, I won't steal without permission.


Hope I adressed everything. Yes, I do plan to film it myself, filling the roles of director, camera, producer and basically everything else including a role as Harrison.

Again, all of you. Wow. Thank you. I can't go into how appreciative I am without this getting very weird.
 
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Hey CrazyChris I think your script is very creative, one problem I can point out is it feels more like your telling us the story instead of showing us the story as it happens. I think you should only write what you can shoot. It starts to feel as if I'm reading a book you know what I mean? If you show us the story, it gives more room for discovery
 
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My advice is:
The dialogue is good, which is what people usually mess up. So good job on that.
The story is empty and cliched, though. There's no real surprise/twist, and most of what happens seems sort of emotionally deprived. As mentioned before there are no deep stakes.
Format-wise, pretty good. But never use bold. To emphasize, underscore. And add "(cont'd) when a character has two dialogue cues separated by action.

Just maybe make it a little longer and deeper. And I'd suggest not making a hit-man short to get noticed, those are always discarded as "Oh, COD-loving teen who wants to try out muzzle flashes on his new editing software." It may not be true but it happens.
 
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CourtneyLauren90, yeah, I started writing in short story format so I've had to grow out of it. I'm getting better though! Thanks for your input.


Budget:0, Nolan'd be proud.


fernando97echeverria, thanks. For some reason Celtx won't underscore, or at least when I've tried, so I did bold. I didn't know about the law, I thought it looked nice. Broke up the page a bit. But oh well, formatting calls. And you're right, I've been lazy with them (cont'd)s.

And no I certainly don't think this'll be my break in short film. It's just a story that evolved into something I have to make, and it might as well be really good. Though I was always a halo guy before I stopped playing competitive video games, and I plan to avoid actually showing the gun as it goes off. I'm sick to death of awful muzzle flashes. I'm as guilty as the next teen filmmaker mind you. But I certainly see what you mean. And I have much more ambitious plans for breaking in. * maniacal laugh*
 
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