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Need some help with short film script

CrazyChris

CrazyChris

Hey, I posted this here a while ago and the shoot still hasn't happened. After getting all blocked up with my feature script - I kept false starting - I went back to it, and ended up making some big changes. Now I don't know what to think of it. Hopefully I'll finally get it shot some time soon, but first I'd just like some feedback on this thing. Hence the thread.

It's called "Death to Harrison". Here's the link:

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B0XZd-PXmoRrdXVsWC1WNUZGNkU/edit

Since I haven't had much to do with the forums for some time I'd be happy to make it up by looking at your scripts and/or films, if that's what you'd like. I'd go on different threads and help but you guys are quick to help out in any way I possibly could.

So yeah. Hope you can give it a look.


Chris

PS - Be warned, there is course language.
 
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CrazyChris said:
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B0XZd-PXmoRrMDFLSzJCbTRjN2M
QUOTE]

I would say this is an improvement. The story, dialog, characters, descriptions and actions all read better. There were just a few things that read funny to me.

The "I love you Dylan" line pulled me out. It reads strangely, and I'm not sure that's really something they'd say.

Typo on page 7: instead of through, you have though

The "A gun shot" thing. I know what you're doing the line after, but the first time I read it, it didn't make sense. And I'm still not entirely sure what you're implying. Are we going to hear the sound alone, or are we just going to see the gun shoot, or...what?

Small problems, though. Nice job.
Click to expand...
 
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I, too, found the line "I love you Dylan" a bit distracting. Actually, I sorta laughed out loud at it... Could be an Australian thing, I don't know. Overall, though, it is a vast improvement and I really enjoyed it compared to the original version. I really don't have much to say besides that, but I do want to compliment your mastery of scumbag diction lol.
 
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Haha, both of you?! It must be an Aussie thing, 'cause my friends didn't even notice. It's something I hear a lot, it seems natural to me. It's casual. And what I'm trying to get across is Luke talking down to Dylan, demeaning him. I don't want Luke to be genuinely friendly.

And here's a copy with more tweaks, and some substantial changes towards the end:

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B0XZd-PXmoRrYzAtdnJnVXh1NG8

And I couldn't find that damn typo. I think. I might've corrected it earlier.
 
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