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logline My first logline. Does this story sound interesting?

Dunamis

Dunamis

Agent (working title)
Genre: Afrofuturism, sci-fi, cyberpunk

When an undercover alt-right terroristic group of cybernetically-enhanced crew members plot to destroy their own interstellar cargo ship, a young dorky computer techie fights them with more than his computing skills to save a secret, precious cargo.

Any input would be appreciated 😅
 
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mlesemann said:
I suggest "terrorists" rather than "terroristic group"
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If it's a ship and for cargo it's technically pirates. And I think that word works well here and some of that word jumble can be removed. I like the story yes. I gives enough info and leaves me intrigued as well. I am not critiquing the logline itself just the story.
 
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mlesemann said:
I like the concept but think you can tighten it up without losing the gist, and also re-arrange it a bit.

Maybe put the hero up front?
When ..... uncovers a plot yada yada

I don't think you need the word "undercover"

I suggest "terrorists" rather than "terroristic group"

I'd cut "secret" and just go with precious.
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I never would have thought of this. Thanks a bunch.
 
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indietalk said:
If it's a ship and for cargo it's technically pirates. And I think that word works well here and some of that word jumble can be removed. I like the story yes. I gives enough info and leaves me intrigued as well. I am not critiquing the logline itself just the story.
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Oh yeah, the word pirate does make sense, technically speaking. Thanks for your input.
 
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I don't think you need to mention alt-right in the logline. Terrorists have an agenda so leave that more to the imagination or mention the word political, or, state their actual agenda. Alt-right and in space means this is part fantasy so I just don't think you need that actual label here. It's a bit confusing.
 
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You know I’m glad you mentioned this because I struggled with it for a minute. I wanted to mention that the terrorist were anti-government, (the cargo ship is ran by the gov’ment,) and that they were something more dangerous than just “disgruntled crew members,” lol. But leaving it up to the imagination is a great tip. Thanks for the input!
indietalk said:
I don't think you need to mention alt-right in the logline. Terrorists have an agenda so leave that more to the imagination or mention the word political, or, state their actual agenda. Alt-right and in space means this is part fantasy so I just don't think you need that actual label here. It's a bit confusing.
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This is not perfect but it has key points and is short. I had a shorter one but we really need all these key points. Maybe this helps a little.

A nerdy government agent aboard an interstellar cargo ship must stave off a mutinous cyber-crew to secure its precious cargo.
 
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I don't like "stave off" but I don't know if he "battles" them but if so:

A nerdy government agent aboard an interstellar cargo ship must battle a mutinous cyber-crew to secure its precious cargo.
 
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A nerdy government agent must battle a mutinous cyber-crew to secure the precious cargo of their interstellar ship.
 
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What I tried to get across are some key points. 1. They are all government employees (agent, crew). So I said their ship. Or you could say crewmates. 2. That this is a mutiny. A takeover. 3. That his goal is to save the cargo, which you want to keep secret. 4. He is a computer nerd. But I didn't get the gender in those, I did in another one I was typing up. 5. The crew is cyber-enhanced. 6. That the ship is in space. I think those are all important! I did not work in that it was an anti-government takeover.
 
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A dorky computer wiz confronts a mutiny in the hopes of saving his interstellar ship's cargo from the grips of cyber-enhanced terrorists.

Got the gender in with his.
 
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indietalk said:
What I tried to get across are some key points. 1. They are all government employees (agent, crew). So I said their ship. Or you could say crewmates. 2. That this is a mutiny. A takeover. 3. That his goal is to save the cargo, which you want to keep secret. 4. He is a computer nerd. But I didn't get the gender in those, I did in another one I was typing up. 5. The crew is cyber-enhanced. 6. That the ship is in space. I think those are all important! I did not work in that it was an anti-government takeover.
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Wow! Thanks a lot for this. It definitely makes me look at my logline in a more simplistic way.
 
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