My First Draft Of A Logline For My New Script

[Modern Day Myth Prod. LLC]

This logline still needs work. It's too long, but here we go:

I, Creator 2: Goddess of the Hunt​

Logline:​

In order to save the Amazon soldiers of two enemy nations on a far off planet from a common enemy, Black Ops Special Forces Cyborg leaders Angela Bruno and Gail Storm force a truce between them with the blessings of their goddess, Artemis, which will set the wheels into motion for a war between humans and cyborgs.

 

[Modern Day Myth Prod. LLC]

In order to save two enemy nations, cyborg leaders Angela Bruno and Gail Storm work with the goddess Artemis to force a truce between their Amazon soldiers to fight against a common enemy on a far off planet who kidnapped them to hunt for sport.

Maybe shorten it as follows:

In order to save two enemy nations, cyborg leaders from their world work together with their goddess to force a truce between their Amazon soldiers to fight a common enemy on a far off planet.

 

[Dreadylocks]

How would I diagram a sentence?

It's just something they make you do in school to understand sentence structure. I thought everyone had to do it :/ It is a great way to analyse a sentence structure and cohesiveness.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sentence_diagram

I only mentioned it because in that logline, I just noticed a lot of prepositions upon prepositions, like how wheat said you have too much explanation/going on w/ your logline.

In order to save two enemy nations on a far off planet from a common enemy, cyborg leaders Angela Bruno and Gail Storm force a truce between them, which will lead to a war between humans and cyborgs.

 

[Modern Day Myth Prod. LLC]

Thanks for the link to a sentence diagram.

 

[Cracker Funk]

Having been kidnapped, and hunted for sport, cyborg Angela Bruno and her trusty sidekick Gail Storm, must find a way to unite two enemy units, lest they should all perish at the hands of their common enemy.

Maybe?

 

[kgasser2]

whats so important about a logline?

 

[Utopia]

Isn't Cyborg copyrighted somewhere?

 

[Cracker Funk]

whats so important about a logline?

That's like asking what's so important about a thesis statement, when writing an essay. It's just a basic organizational tool.

Also, it's pretty likely that MDM will be looking for financial backing, I think? If that's the case, the logline is essential for selling the story.

 

[Utopia]

Just tell the execs you plan on making an Unrated and Directors Cut DVD release and show them the black and red suit you have those girls in and it's a go for sure...

 

[Utopia]

Have you thought about making it a question?

"Can 2 Black Ops Special Forces put aside their differences to save their kin?"

I don't know...

The original one you posted confuses me.

 

[Modern Day Myth Prod. LLC]

Having been kidnapped, and hunted for sport, cyborg Angela Bruno and her trusty sidekick Gail Storm, must find a way to unite two enemy units, lest they should all perish at the hands of their common enemy.

Maybe?

Only problem is the cyborgs aren't kidnapped. The Amazon soldiers are the kidnapped victims. One of the governments of the countries the soldiers are from send the cyborgs to rescue their soldiers. The problem with machines that think for themselves is they don't always follow orders. They reasoned that neither side would survive if they were fighting each other and the enemy. By forcing the truce to make them fight together as one with the cyborgs against the hunters increases the chances of all the humans to survive. And, that's the way Artemis sees it too. So, she helps the cyborgs to enforce the truce. The dumb humans get p.o.ed at both Artemis and the cyborgs over the truce. The humans threaten to have the cyborgs dismantled when they get back home.

These are some of the events that led up to the war between the cyborgs and humans. The humans are very disillusioned with Artemis for being absent for thousands of years and just reappearing. They didn't like her "excuse" that she was away on other worlds nurturing new life to be able to stand on their own.

 

[Modern Day Myth Prod. LLC]

Isn't Cyborg copyrighted somewhere?

It's in the dictionary and it is an abbreviation for a "cybernetic organism" and that is a human being that is part machine.

Gail Storm is a true cyborg, even with a cloned brain of her creator in a robot body.

Angela Bruno is actually a biorg, which is a biosynthetic cyborg and that is an artificial human that is part machine.

Besides, as per the US Copyright Office, words and short phrases cannot be copyrighted.

 

[VPTurner]

It's in the dictionary and it is an abbreviation for a "cybernetic organism" and that is a human being that is part machine.

Gail Storm is a true cyborg, even with a cloned brain of her creator in a robot body.

Angela Bruno is actually a biorg, which is a biosynthetic cyborg and that is an artificial human that is part machine.

Besides, as per the US Copyright Office, words and short phrases cannot be copyrighted.

But they can be registered or trademarked. Fortunately, "cyborg" does not fall into that category.

So Angela is a cylon?

You've already had some good feedback on the logline situation. Just remember to be as brief as possible. If you find that you can't tell the crux of your story in a simple sentence or two, then perhaps the story is too complicated. When you throw out your logline, you want someone to go, "Wow!" Not, "Huh?!?"

 

[Modern Day Myth Prod. LLC]

But they can be registered or trademarked. Fortunately, "cyborg" does not fall into that category.

So Angela is a cylon?

You've already had some good feedback on the logline situation. Just remember to be as brief as possible. If you find that you can't tell the crux of your story in a simple sentence or two, then perhaps the story is too complicated. When you throw out your logline, you want someone to go, "Wow!" Not, "Huh?!?"

Is Angela a Cylon or a Terminator? She is a biorg, a biosynthetic cyborg with a silicon based artificially made brain in a robot body. She is not carbon based like humans, cylons, or terminators.

Thanks for the suggestions.

 

[Cracker Funk]

Only problem is the cyborgs aren't kidnapped. The Amazon soldiers are the kidnapped victims. One of the governments of the countries the soldiers are from send the cyborgs to rescue their soldiers. The problem with machines that think for themselves is they don't always follow orders. They reasoned that neither side would survive if they were fighting each other and the enemy. By forcing the truce to make them fight together as one with the cyborgs against the hunters increases the chances of all the humans to survive. And, that's the way Artemis sees it too. So, she helps the cyborgs to enforce the truce. The dumb humans get p.o.ed at both Artemis and the cyborgs over the truce. The humans threaten to have the cyborgs dismantled when they get back home.

These are some of the events that led up to the war between the cyborgs and humans. The humans are very disillusioned with Artemis for being absent for thousands of years and just reappearing. They didn't like her "excuse" that she was away on other worlds nurturing new life to be able to stand on their own.

Really, my point in writing this logline was to show an example of simplifying it to the base info that we need to know -- who is our hero, what problem do they have to solve, and what will be the consequences if they don't?

 

[Modern Day Myth Prod. LLC]

Really, my point in writing this logline was to show an example of simplifying it to the base info that we need to know -- who is our hero, what problem do they have to solve, and what will be the consequences if they don't?

Good insight!

I think my latest version is getting there.

 

[Modern Day Myth Prod. LLC]

In order to save two enemy nations, cyborg leaders Angela Bruno and Gail Storm work with the goddess Artemis to force a truce between their Amazon soldiers to fight against a common enemy on a far off planet who kidnapped them to hunt for sport.







Maybe shorten it as follows:







In order to save two enemy nations, cyborg leaders from their world work together with their goddess to force a truce between their Amazon soldiers to fight a common enemy on a far off planet.

The second one here is what I mean.

 

[bird]

The humans are very disillusioned with Artemis for being absent for thousands of years and just reappearing. They didn't like her "excuse" that she was away on other worlds nurturing new life to be able to stand on their own.

Probably too picky, but by definition, western minds believe in the omnipresence of their supreme beings. I think there's a fundamental flaw with your believers thinking a god/dess has been 'absent', BUT I think it's human nature to assume, in bad times, that a god/dess has either abandoned them or that their (humans) circumstances are the result of a benevolent being's endowment of free will.

Have you competed this script, yet?

 

[sonnyboo]

If the bigger battle is in another movie, it doesn't belong in this logline, not even hinted at. What is the conflict that must be resolved, in this movie? And, what are the consequences if our hero doesn't get it done?

DAMN, that's a good note. CF, you nailed it.

By the way, I am a fan of Battlestar Galactica and I like the advice the producers gave on their Final Frakker Special about keeping the story dark keeps it interesting.

BSG had the benefit of there being back story, strong characters, long story arcs, and over riding themes before taking things into a dark dark place. It's a TV series that ran for 4 seasons, plus a 2 part mini-series. It's a lot harder to emulate that in a movie or even movie trilogy.

Two different mediums with completely different modes of achieving emotion effects. Quantifying emotion with math, when a character dies in a movie, we only have 1-2 hours invested in them. In a TV series, you could have months or years invested in that character and we empathize much more when the stories go to a "dark place".

This is where movies based on books have a certain unfair advantage. Look at TWILIGHT series. Tweens have 4-5 books they've read with more depth and detail than a movie could possibly hold guiding their emotions along, giving a little nod several pages of detail the average viewer doesn't have. In a theatrical setting, these people affect the people around them subconsciously - reacting to things on screen and via a form of osmosis, the rest affect that the rest.

 

[Modern Day Myth Prod. LLC]

Probably too picky, but by definition, western minds believe in the omnipresence of their supreme beings. I think there's a fundamental flaw with your believers thinking a god/dess has been 'absent', BUT I think it's human nature to assume, in bad times, that a god/dess has either abandoned them or that their (humans) circumstances are the result of a benevolent being's endowment of free will.



Have you competed this script, yet?

The treatment--yes.

The actual script is about half way through.

The treatment for the script with the story to follow is complete.

 

[Utopia]

I think Cracker Funk should be payed as a script doctor for this.