critique Mental Health PSA for Teens (rough draft)

[videogames1980]

I would like to dip into screenwriting. This is one of my weaknesses. I'm starting with something short before I start tackling long-form stuff.

The message of this PSA is to raise awareness of Mental Health and how it affects all students. The style of this PSA will be a cinematic dramatization of what students go through. This will use actors and scriptwriting. None of these scenes comes from real students, but these situations are not far from reality.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Dni8ODiim57Qs38cd4l1OYqQteoaEYaU/edit?tab=t.0

Thank you for the feedback

EXT. SCHOOL - DAY
The bleak mist surrounds the school in an obscured vision. As we move towards the school, the view becomes transparent.
SUPER FADES IN
SUPER:
Since 2020, the state of mental health in our
youth has become a second pandemic. According to NIMH,
self-reported mental diagnoses have risen to 49.5% in the U.S.,
between the ages of 13-18.
22.2% of them have severe symptoms.
This includes eating disorders and suicidal thoughts.

SUPER FADE OUT AND IN

SUPER:
Barnstable County has not been spared from this crisis.


CUT TO:

INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY
SEAN (13-1

, a school athlete, sits down on a bench in the locker room. His locker is open. He looks tired, but also troubled.
SEAN (V.O.)
I can’t let them see me this way.
I have to be the best.

He holds his face in his hands.

SEAN (V.O.)
Maybe I’m not worth it.

Sean SLAMS his locker closed.

CUT TO:


INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY

MYA (13-1

, a young girl, sits at a cafeteria table alone, eating her lunch.

MYA looks over at the other tables. She seems upset.

VFX: Various students LAUGHING and CONVERSING at their
tables. Nobody is noticing MYA.

MYA (V.O.)
It’s like I don’t even exist.
Why do I even try?

MYA stares at her food.

CUT TO:


INT. SCHOOL BATHROOM - DAY

EMMA (13-1

- a trans girl - is applying makeup in the mirror of the school bathroom.


EMMA (V.O.)
I struggle to be myself every day.

Another GIRL (13-1

passes by her mirror, giving her the side-eye. EMMA sighs, takes her bag, and leaves the bathroom.
EXT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
EMMA exits the bathroom. A GROUP OF STUDENTS (13-1

walks by EMMA, and they start laughing and pointing at her.

EMMA (V.O.)
Because others won’t fully
accept me for who I am.

EMMA tries to ignore the student as she is walking through the hallway.


CUT TO:

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

MARCUS (13-1

is sitting alone in the classroom.

MARCUS (V.O.)
I'm scared to go back home.
Something bad always happens.

He puts his headphones on. He slowly leans forward, laying his head on the desk.

MARCUS (V.O.)
Is there no one to talk to about this?
I’m alone.

CUT TO SEAN:

SEAN (V.O.)
I’m alone
CUT TO MYA:

MYA (V.O.)
I am alone

CUT TO EMMA:

EMMA (V.O.)
I feel alone.

CUTS TO MULTIPLE STUDENTS UNTIL...

BLACK

SUPER FADES IN.

SUPER:
You’re not alone. You matter. Your life matters.
Reach out and talk to a certified listener.

SUPER FADES OUT AND IN.

SUPER:
Call 988 or visit 988lifeline.org


La Fin

 

[directorik]

I think that could be effective. When will you make this PSA?

 

[videogames1980]

ASAP. I'm just waiting for approval from my TV station. They want to meet and have a discussion on it. They haven't picked a date yet.

 

[CelticRambler]

Overall, what you've posted there reads like a pretty standard PSA, so in that sense it's "fine". Whether it's appropriate for a (troubled) teenage audience is another matter, but I think you'd probably have to make it and show it to a test group first to find that out.

The only thing that'd bother me is the character Emma. Simply describing her as "a trans girl" won't really work in such a short piece, because either you'll need to portray her as "a guy in drag" which risks distracting the audience and reinforcing a particular stereotype, or you'll need to present her as "outwardly, no different to any other girl" which will then leave the struggle to be herself unexplained. It might be easier to pick another - more visually identifiable - "other" to highlight this point.

 

[videogames1980]

The only thing that'd bother me is the character Emma. Simply describing her as "a trans girl" won't really work in such a short piece, because either you'll need to portray her as "a guy in drag" which risks distracting the audience and reinforcing a particular stereotype, or you'll need to present her as "outwardly, no different to any other girl" which will then leave the struggle to be herself unexplained. It might be easier to pick another - more visually identifiable - "other" to highlight this point.

How about I spoon-feed a line to the viewer, that Emma says, "As a transgender, I struggle to be myself every day."

Maybe that line will take away the confusion about whether this teen is in drag.

 

[directorik]

When you shoot this you might want to try it both ways.

 

[CelticRambler]

How about I spoon-feed a line to the viewer, that Emma says, "As a transgender, I struggle to be myself every day."

Hmmm ...

What you've got there is a conflict between "movie-making" and "marketing". The golden rule for the former is "show, don't tell" so spoon-feeding a line like that wouldn't be great story-telling. On the other hand, a PSA is essentially a marketing tool, so you do whatever's needed to get the message across.

To that end, take a step back and think about what the message really is. In that sense, if you don't specify that Emma is trans, just an outwardly ordinary girl, yet getting the side-eye from others, then her declaration "I struggle to be myself every day." is much more powerful because she could be trans, autistic, foreign, have a stammer, be a princess-who-just-wants-to-play-with-the-plebs ... From a marketing perspective, you're increasing your potential target audience, rather than aiming for one specific group.

If you did want to stick with the trans theme, then rather than have her say it out loud, I think it'd be more creative to, say, show her taking a hormone treatment in the bathroom rather than putting on make-up. Without additional context, though, as that'd mean popping pills or injecting something, that might be a bit too risky for a county board.

 

[videogames1980]

Hmmm ...

What you've got there is a conflict between "movie-making" and "marketing". The golden rule for the former is "show, don't tell" so spoon-feeding a line like that wouldn't be great story-telling. On the other hand, a PSA is essentially a marketing tool, so you do whatever's needed to get the message across.

I like that. I'd rather show than tell. The classic example is Blade Runner.

It's a challenge for me when you have a short amount of time. I'm trying to approach this as a cinematic style, and not too much as marketing video. Impossible? Hopefully not.

To that end, take a step back and think about what the message really is. In that sense, if you don't specify that Emma is trans, just an outwardly ordinary girl, yet getting the side-eye from others, then her declaration "I struggle to be myself every day." is much more powerful because she could be trans, autistic, foreign, have a stammer, be a princess-who-just-wants-to-play-with-the-plebs ... From a marketing perspective, you're increasing your potential target audience, rather than aiming for one specific group.

I picked the trans community because I'm not sure they get a lot of attention when it comes to mental health. Especially on how I'm going to execute this. I'll stick with the theme.

To quote Public Image, "I could be wrong, I could be right."

I'm learning as I dive into this subject.

If you did want to stick with the trans theme, then rather than have her say it out loud, I think it'd be more creative to, say, show her taking a hormone treatment in the bathroom rather than putting on make-up. Without additional context, though, as that'd mean popping pills or injecting something, that might be a bit too risky for a county board.

Never thought of or knew anything about hormone pills. I'll have to research that.

If I did the pills, I would start with a close-up, before Emma takes them.

If the county doesn't like it, I'll go back to the lipstick.

 

[directorik]

Since you want to raise awareness of Mental Health and how it affects all students
I think it would be beneficial to you to speak to a few people in the trans community
personally.

Ask them how best to show those issues in a compassionate and realistic way in your
project.

 

[sfoster]

this thread was a funny read. Celtic is right, your transwoman scene is problematic for a few reasons.
First of all it takes place in a bathroom, but it completely ignores and disregards the enormous issue of what bathroom transpeople are allowed to use. Secondly, anyone in high school that has transitioned and is using makeup is definitely NOT struggling to be themselves. That's someone that is extremely brave, knows who they are, and is quite far along in the process of expressing themselves to the world to be so public about it.

No worries!! Your heart is in the right place and it's a simple fix.

ERIC sitting the bleachers - "My name is Eric, but I wish it were Emma. I'm afraid to be myself."

Now you have something that will resonate with the transcommunity and represent them better.
Good luck!!