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critique Looking for some feedback - first 10 pages of my screenplay

Hi, recently finished my first feature length screenplay. It is a sci-fi thriller with an edge of dry humour. I'm posting the first 10 minutes of the script. Would really appreciate some feedback from any kind person who is willing to give their time to read it.
 

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Hay man, read the excerpt your action lines are well written and the scenes seem to flow at a thriller pace. The dialogue is funny at times " fast car cos it’s falling off a cliff" is a good one but the voices do somewhat blend into one another, I'm a little worried the characters are missing a subtext to draw from the way they act or speak seems stereotypical. Everyone refers to someone's butt as an "ass" for example perhaps mixing up vocabularies would help. Although they all work around the office Charlie is a security guard these differentiations in profession make me think Charlie would be more likely to speak in the casual slang way all the characters do. But perhaps Marcus might be more formal in the office etc. Charlie may come from a poorer background, lower wage, being a foreigner? i don't know what character maps you have for them but I do feel it could be elaborated on more. Perhaps their purely comic relief characters I get that feeling from Charlie and Brad is the stereotypical douche, but I hope they have an internal character arc of their emotions, beliefs etc. Plot seems really interesting and the the visual image it creates really packs a punch great read and best of luck on your script.
Levi
Thanks for your feebdack Levi. Have actually re-written much of this screenplay since I posted this excerpt and it is now typed up in proper CeltX format.

To be honest, I didn't spend nearly enough focus on the characters and their arcs when I first wrote this. My story was first and formeost driven by a concept I had an idea about, and the plot and character arcs made to fit around that. Knowing what I know now, I would have attacked the project differently. Have picked up some great advice on this forum in the meantime, in particular some great notes from @Unknown Screenwriter on developing a character arc using a a 4-act model.

My intention at some point is to go back and complete re-write this screenplay using what I've learnt. Will take your notes and the other feedback on board when I eventually get around to that stage.

I've attached a revised copy of the first draft of the screenplay if you or anyone are interested. It's way too long and dialogue heavy, probably need to shorten it by about 5 or 7 pages. Just found it very difficult trying to explain the setup of what the movie is about and have ened up over-explaining and over-describing.
 

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  • Echo Act 1.pdf
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