Hay man, read the excerpt your action lines are well written and the scenes seem to flow at a thriller pace. The dialogue is funny at times " fast car cos it’s falling off a cliff" is a good one but the voices do somewhat blend into one another, I'm a little worried the characters are missing a subtext to draw from the way they act or speak seems stereotypical. Everyone refers to someone's butt as an "ass" for example perhaps mixing up vocabularies would help. Although they all work around the office Charlie is a security guard these differentiations in profession make me think Charlie would be more likely to speak in the casual slang way all the characters do. But perhaps Marcus might be more formal in the office etc. Charlie may come from a poorer background, lower wage, being a foreigner? i don't know what character maps you have for them but I do feel it could be elaborated on more. Perhaps their purely comic relief characters I get that feeling from Charlie and Brad is the stereotypical douche, but I hope they have an internal character arc of their emotions, beliefs etc. Plot seems really interesting and the the visual image it creates really packs a punch great read and best of luck on your script.
Levi
