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Looking for constructive criticism for screen play pitch

R

Rieff

This is my first screen play I've ever written . I'm having trouble with coming up with the pitch . This is what I've come up with so far I would appriciate some constructive criticism. I want this to be great so what ever advice anyone can give to help improve my pitch it will be appriciated.


THE HOLLYWOOD LOVE STORY

Hollywood Love Story is a modern day drama about Troy, an adult movie star who after 5 successful years in the porn industry seeks to break into the mainstream acting world and prove that he has the acting chops to succeed in Hollywood. Troy is offered the opportunity of a life time to take the lead in a production destined for Sundance success, however his past and present mistakes continue to throw obstacles in his path and threaten his future.



Troy struggles to overcome failed relationships with his parents and the mother of the daughter he has never known. Flashbacks reveal the impact of these failed relationship on Troy’s present day life, and the sacrifices he was forced to make in order to live the life of an adult movie star. But as Troy tries to shed the pornstar image and crossover to mainstream movies, he realizes that relationships can be mended and the future looks bright.



As his transition opens doors professionally and personally for Troy, he also chooses to end certain friendships and working relationships that will hinder him reaching his dreams and negatively impact his future. When his roommate takes Troy’s transition as rejection, he throws doubt into Troy’s mind by announcing that Troy has been in contact with the AIDS virus on a recent shoot. The audience is left wondering whether Troy’s new found success and happiness with family, career and love will be cut short by one unfortunate mistake before he has a chance to enjoy any of it.



Interviews with actors in the porn industry today are interspersed throughout the movie, showing the real face of the industry and highlighting the struggles that are faced and obstacles overcome by those in the adult movie world.
 
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I would try to condense it more. If you are thinking Hollywood - you are one in several million trying to pitch something.

I was thinking of the movies. When you pick up the paper or magazine and read a tidbit on the movie that is out - its usually no more than three sentences more or less and in that tiny space someone has to sell his story. I believe if you start going into paragraphs then you have already lost the reader.
Something has to grab them around the neck - go for the jugular. Make them WANT to read more about Troy. I guess what I am saying is less is more.
 
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Mason Moran said:
Try to compare your movie to other famous movies during your pitch.
Click to expand...

I’m not sure what your background is but you say your occupation
is screenwriter so I will assume you know what you’re talking
about. But with all due resoect to a professional screenwriter I
must say this is poor advice.

One should never do the

“Boogie Nights” meets “Ordinary People” with a little “Boys in the Hood” thrown in.

method of pitching. Amateurs do it all the time - a sure sign of
one. Publistists do it - it’s a quick way to put an audience in
the right frame of mind. But writers should never pitch by
comparing their script to famous movies. Don’t raise the readers
expectations by telling them you script is as good as one of the
favorite films. And don’t harm yourself before the script is even
read by comparing your script to a movie the reader hates.

Since you are already making a living as a screenwriter does that
method work for you? Have you gotten assignments based on a pitch
that compares your story to famous movies?
 
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Instead of specific films, try to talk about trends that movie going audiences are into. Don't compare your film outright to other specific titles, but maybe try to sell your movie as something that will succeed because the public happens to have a good track record with that kind of thing, while at the same time pushing the uniqueness of your project and how it will be a new take on that established concept.

I'm not sure that makes any sense.
 
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There is even a problem with mentioning trends
when pitching a script.

In most cases the producer knows more about
the business than the writer. So many time what
a new writer sees as an ongoing or up and coming
trend is (in the professionals experience) not accurate.

And from the time a script is pitched until it is in the
theaters is likely to be many years. Can the writer
really know what will have a good track record in three
to five years? Of course, if you are talking about
established genres like the romCom or the horror film,
I agree with you. Mentioning the genre of the script
in a pitch is essential.
 
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Writing this script I thought would be a challenge. It's nothing compared to summing 108 pages in two or three sentences. I guess that's why I'm an actor. Thank you for all of the input I've been working everyday trying to improve the script. So let me ask you this what would attract you to a project like this?
 
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It sounds like its a tragedy story. A guy who went down the wrong path in life and when he decided to turn his life around it was almost too late...he had gone too far down the wrong path.
You would have to ask yourself - what audience are you targeting. The fact that he is a porn star would take you into the adult audience. Not exactly a lifetime original movie but more like Showtime movie of the week.

The thing is - if you are thinking BIGTIME or heck even small potaoes you have to condence it and sell it good. These folks you are selling to, see millions of this everysingle day. They take a glance at a script and turn it down because that FIRST sentence didn't WOW them.

Why did Troy become a porn star anyway?
 
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Well heres the thing

The story isn't so much about Troy in porn. It's his life away from porn. It's the reason why he moved to Hollywood in the first place. His love for acting any aspiring actor knows sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do to get where you want to go. Hell Sylvester Stallone did soft porn before he wrote Rocky. What I've learn from writing this screen play is the porn industry isn't so different from main stream. Sex ,drugs, money ,fame and death. This story is about a checkered past, redemption, it's about love and the pursuit of happiness. You don't have to be a porn star or hollywood actor to relate to that. If I'm able to find a director that will give me the oppurtunity I'm sure this screen play will do great ,but like I said before I'm a actor this is my first screen play but in the write hands this can be great. That's why I'm here
 
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You have discovered one of the most difficult problems
a writer faces; summing up 108 pages in two or three
sentences. It's often harder than finding the money to
make a movie.

Keep working on it. Read a lot of loglines and synopsis's
and keep plugging away at yours.
 
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Yes this is the hardest part but I'm a trooper. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life so just like my Marine Corps days I better suck it up and keeping pushing forward. I appriciate all the advice
 
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directorik said:
You have discovered one of the most difficult problems
a writer faces; summing up 108 pages in two or three
sentences. It's often harder than finding the money to
make a movie.

Keep working on it. Read a lot of loglines and synopsis's
and keep plugging away at yours.
Click to expand...

That's probably the hardest part of the whole thing. This might sound stupid, but I've gotten some good practice at it from having to explain whichever script I'm writing to people when I'm a party or something like that.
 
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Try to do that with Star Wars. When that movie first came out in 1977 I remember reading the one liner story synopsis as something like this:

An orphan seeks adventure with the aid of an old wizard.

At the time I didn't think I would even enjoy it but word had spread this story was something else.
 
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Here's a 107 page scrptpitched in 29 words.
A playboy manufacturer rescues 1,100 Jews from
certain death. Appalled by atrocities in Nazi Germany,
he hoodwinks the Nazi brass and converts his factory
into a refuge for Jews.

Here is a 110 page script pitched in 41 words.
A boxer with a loser mentality is offered a chance
by the world champ to fight for the title but, with
the help of his lover must learn to see himself as a
winner before he can step into the ring.
 
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It’s hard to say what it will take for someone to take a chance on
your screenplay. You will need more than just a director. You
will need a producer - someone to put a budget together and find
investors.

As I’ve already mentioned, I’m interested in directing. But that
doesn’t help you because my attachment won’t help you get a
production deal. You already have a difficult situation to
overcome and that’s you attached as the lead actor.

What it will take to get someone to take a chance is a lot of
persistence. Some writers look for the financing themselves, some
just keep shopping it around until they find that right producer.
But in order to find that right producer, the one willing to do
all the work with an unknown actor attached, you’re going to have
to pitch this a lot.

And not on messageboards. You’re going to need to meet producers
on sets. You’re going to have to go door to door and somehow get
past that “no unsolicited material accepted” hurdle. You’re going
to have to find an agent willing to rep a writer/actor with one
script and no acting credits as a client. Use your experience as
a personal trainer to meet people in the industry.

It couldn’t hurt to go out on some auditions and start to build
your resume as an actor.

How about doing what several other filmmakers have done. Make a
short film using the characters and theme of your script.
 
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