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loneliness

How do you cope with it? How do you stop wasting time, looking into nothing and thinking about everything yet nothing? Feeling empty yet so full of ideas.
I mean at times it gets so hard that you just realise what's the point of even doing anything, but still I write as a way to escape reality - to build my own so I can live in it.
I tell that myself all times - I don't need anyone, I don't need real world, I don't need real life. I can find all the comfort in writing and words, pictures, vibe. I mean it's addicting, but at the same time it's pretty sad once you realise it. I guess that's the price to pay for it, still wouldn't trade it for being an social extrovert freak, but sometimes I wish I could just say something and enjoy real life instead of escaping into my imagination. But for now let's write the "perfect" life into the screenplay :D
 
I always think of making characters and dialogues as a way to replacing real life communication with people. Build your own world and get the same high as you get from talking to real people. At times it can get shady as really it's only you talking. Trying to get that perfect response. Pretty narcissistic if you ask me, but damn..
 
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sfoster

Staff Member
Moderator
just try to do what i can for escapism . video games , movies, sometimes writing etc but mostly just wished i had killed myself last year.
Why is the default human state to be so lonely and unhappy, what in the hell is that about.

its like the whole purpose of our life is just to distract ourselves from how miserable we are ?? wtf
 
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I used to get high and feel alright then I also used medicine to fight depression, but I abused it too. Back then I though somebody would care, but nah lol.
It's like if you are depressed then you're fuck'd and it's all up to you. It got to the point where I have suicidal thoughts, but they don't bother that much anymore - even those feel pointless at times. I guess it's just a part of it - I mean if you make horror stuff and so on. I try to put the way I feel as much as I can into art, but sometimes that stuff gets so twisted. It's dark, it's beautiful in a strange way, but at times it feels like it's not me.
Playing games feels pretty numbing in a way that you just want to make your own stuff just because the game bores you.
I love to lock myself into big studio for hours and just catch the vibe. At times it works and you can feel free and sometimes come up with something, but there are also times when you question your purpose, but still end up writing or making something.
I mean you can't make a movie alone, but also you can't get that good stuff out when you are surrounded and pressured by people.
Overall it all got to the point where I started using snapchat gender switch filter to make characters, write, make music and art. Fast forward I'm wearing a wig, women clothes and lipstick now just to get into creative space lol. I mean it helps, but it's also mixing with real life. I lost people and nothing is really the same. But at least I came up with a name that drives all my art :D
 
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sfoster

Staff Member
Moderator
I used to get high and feel alright then I also used medicine to fight depression, but I abused it too. Back then I though somebody would care, but nah lol.
It's like if you are depressed then you're fuck'd and it's all up to you. It got to the point where I have suicidal thoughts, but they don't bother that much anymore - even those feel pointless at times. I guess it's just a part of it - I mean if you make horror stuff and so on. I try to put the way I feel as much as I can into art, but sometimes that stuff gets so twisted. It's dark, it's beautiful in a strange way, but at times it feels like it's not me.
Playing games feels pretty numbing in a way that you just want to make your own stuff just because the game bores you.
I love to lock myself into big studio for hours and just catch the vibe. At times it works and you can feel free and sometimes come up with something, but there are also times when you question your purpose, but still end up writing or making something.
I mean you can't make a movie alone, but also you can't get that good stuff out when you are surrounded and pressured by people.
Overall it all got to the point where I started using snapchat gender switch filter to make characters, write, make music and art. Fast forward I'm wearing a wig, women clothes and lipstick now just to get into creative space lol. I mean it helps, but it's also mixing with real life. I lost people and nothing is really the same. But at least I came up with a name that drives all my art :D

Ah I've done some drag, I was quite outstanding at it if you ask me lol.
I was going to do a superhero movie where the secret identity was a man and the superhero was a woman.

It was a sad attempt bc it lasted through years and injury after injury after injury.
I could never get into shape for the movie. and my body is so frail for no reason. My knees hurt to much to stand up, back hurts to much to sit down, bladder hurts to much to sleep. such a mess.

and yeah as soon as my health problems started and i was basically homebound most of my life i lost all of my friends
i would cope by going out and doing standup comedy but now that is all closed down from covid

seems like the last 7 years of my life now are just me sitting alone in a room miserable and lonely.
If I had killed myself 10 years ago there is no doubt that overall i would have had a much happier life.
 
Couch lock always takes me back to days of getting high and doing nothing, dreaming about doing it all the time thinking this is the good life lol.
I mean either way - if you run around all the time you still burn out. If you sit all the time you also go crazy. And I think creativity really can't be unlocked by running around all the time. Sometimes I think about how it will be when I get old and truly it will be just as same as my teenage years - sitting in room, getting high and making art lol. In a strange way it gives me happiness, but then again I feel like I'm missing out on real life.
Either way I always imagine big old haunted castle in my head, living there for the rest of my life. In a strange way it's like a dream come true. I mean it's all about those few visually pleasing places that you can and can't find in real life. The rest really does not matter. Feels like life really exists inside rooms. The outside is filled with anxiety and misery. I wish I could run a couple of miles and be the "healthy" one, but then again it takes away creativity in strange way. Because creativity itself is destruction and you have to chose to sacrifice something from your life in one way or another.
 
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Couch lock always takes me back to days of getting high and doing nothing, dreaming about doing it all the time thinking this is the good life lol.
I mean either way - if you run around all the time you still burn out. If you sit all the time you also go crazy. And I think creativity really can't be unlocked by running around all the time. Sometimes I think about how it will be when I get old and truly it will be just as same as my teenage years - sitting in room, getting high and making art lol. In a strange way it gives me happiness, but then again I feel like I'm missing out on real life.
Either way I always imagine big old haunted castle in my head, living there for the rest of my life. In a strange way it's like a dream come true. I mean it's all about those few visually pleasing places that you can and can't find in real life. The rest really does not matter. Feels like life really exists inside rooms. The outside is filled with anxiety and misery. I wish I could run a couple of miles and be the "healthy" one, but then again it takes away creativity in strange way. Because creativity itself is destruction and you have to chose to sacrifice something from your life in one way or another.

You look so much like my protagonist from the movie I try to make. Can I ask what is your biggest goal in life?

To answer your question: I find like minded people, and listen to there Ideas. Share my ideas and use all kind of art to fuel and inspire.
For me its not a hermit thing. I feel sometimes lonely during the process....or lost..... but noting can be born if I'm not be capable to kill my old self.
 
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Escape reality and live forever in the fantasy. Meanwhile wishing to be famous, but also not wanting to. Pretending that I already have it all and just live in illusion. Still crying for not being where I am and wishing somebody would notice.
If I really think about it then idk lol, probably to find passion, happiness and feel the things I do the way I did them before when I just started. To get back that drive and spark. Mix between dream big, fame and all that stuff. Just in general not caring about opinions of people and be in that state when you were young and you just learned how to play a punk song on guitar - messy, barely able to play it, but you knew this is this - this is who I am, f school I'm gonna be a rockstar. Something between those lines :D

Yeah, killing your old self is a big part. I think about past a lot, but then again it inspires me. Sometimes I really feel like I am the same as I was 10 years ago. People around me moved on from that artistic side, but I'm still the same more or less, even tho I am not. In a strange way I am more twisted. Like it's the level of creativity that I always wished, but at times it's too much that I just don't know how to gather and put it all out.
 
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Overall I'm just stuck in a strange place where nothing feels real, not even this moment, not even these words. Sometimes I just can't handle it and just want to escape life or hide away from it all for a while. Like only escape is to write and imagine. Push yourself to the limit both in real life and in imagination. I mean I get inspiration from almost anything, but it mixes between sanity/insanity levels of real life and dream world. You know what I mean, I think everyone goes through it. You just have to hold on to something, meanwhile hiding something or putting it in a different way to express. I mean everyone is more or less crazy, but it always feels like you are the crazy one and truly there is no cure.
Idk, I should probably write a story or something now lol
Thanks for listening! :D
 
I've been there a few times...

What works for me personally is just polishing whatever concept I'm working on. Honing it until I'm so excited that I can't do anything BUT work on it. Trust me... When a concept or idea excites you ENOUGH? You can't wait to work on it day after day after day. Unfortunately, it took me YEARS to figure that out.

I'd come up with an idea, a character, or concept and then just start writing but at some point? I'd fizzle out on it. Start something else. Then out of nowhere, a flash of SOMETHING would hit me and I'd go back to it, excited but the excitement would eventually fizzle OUT again. I did this over and over and over and had come to recognize this PROCESS as MY process so I just kept working that way.

Then one day... I decided to take a concept that I created and really learn as much as I could about it. As I learned, I took notes. I really tried to keep creating the movie in my head. I'm not an outliner. For some reason, long, detailed outlines just KILL my excitement. I finally ended up compromising with myself. I created a process whereby the outline would no longer be LONG and DRAWN OUT. No real details.

For me? Writing is all about the characters coming ALIVE and TAKING OVER. To me? This is ORGANIC. It's how I personally have to do it. It's the only way I CAN do it, otherwise, it just feels like WORK.

So while I do create somewhat of an outline now... It's extremely SHORT. No real details. It's vague but it allows me to jump into the actual writing and then allow the characters to take over. This assumes however, that I've really done my homework i.e., learning everything I can about my subject matter.

*EDIT: What I neglected to add is that is how I deal with the loneliness. When the subject matter, idea, character, or concept truly EXCITES me? I'm not lonely at all.
 
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Uncertainty and too many directions is what messes it all up. I either make a visual idea by putting pictures to make a vibe or write. Sometimes it feels like a waste of time, because the idea does not get any further - it's just a few pictures that have vibe, but that's it. But sure, even that helps to disconnect for a while, but reality hits every time and you're like damn all this bs again from day to day. I usually tend to lock myself inside room for days, whenever I go outside it just hits you like a brick lol. I mean cmon you can't catch a vibe when there's people outside living ordinary life. Sure it's needed to have some reality, but overall it drags you down. I just feel like living in repetition whenever I go outside and sometimes even when I'm inside doing art. Like you know - you always want something new, you want to see life outside this world, you want to think about aliens and all the supernatural. Just thinking about it gives a sense of calm.
That's why I have stuff like Ouija board. It can be pretty creepy and hard to explain, but at times it hits you. All the evp and white noise, static tv stuff. It helps you feel that there is something else, something more in this world and in that moment you are not alone.
Thinking about getting a telescope - who knows what you might find out there :D
 
I feel you with the pain. Everything you said jives with me. I just finished writing a short film idea I had about lonely deaths. It's shaken me a little, made me really think about why I keep hurting myself, and the people I care about. Why I refuse to change. I'm glad I wrote it and went through it... But if I don't get emotionally connected to it... It is a waste of time.

I've found that worrying about the "supposed to's" is what kills my ideas. There are so many books, advice, tips, judgement, reviews, data that we look at, trying to compare our work/ideas to others. Seeing who is the best. But I think I've gotten swept up in it. Caring too much about every little thing.

I'm a very passionate, emotional person on the inside... So I've worked hard over the last 10 years of my life to hide it on the outside. I absorbed way more "self help" tips than I should have, and listened more than acted... Which has put me in a state of suspense, hesitating because I don't want to "fuck it all up".

I've noticed most of my ideas/stories are all about change/redemption... And now I realize that is because that's all I've absorbed for the last 10 years... Because I've always wanted to be that come-back kid. That person who was nothing, and suddenly became everything.

Real life doesn't work that way though... So I keep trying to start over, looking for a way out of my self indulgent madness.

But personally, I think back. The most fun I've had in my life was creating films/videos with people. Doing stupid things that meant nothing to others. Making family videos, only for those closest to me. All of those things never really became anything famous or inspiring... But it was still a ton of happiness and relaxed fun.
 
Well, I went outside at 5am and this is what I saw. Just imagine riding on a bike in dark and suddenly you see a nun out of nowhere lol. Maybe coincidence, maybe ghost, maybe whatever. But things like these keep me going. I mean whenever I go outside with aim to look for spots I never find anything, but when I don't care I always find something magical. It's all about that feeling you had when you just started doing creative stuff - you were miserable, you skipped school just to do something else, you were looking for something and thought that everyone around you were wrong and so on. Hard to catch that disconnection feeling these days, it's like now it's all about certain time - morning/night etc. Or you just let insomnia ride you. I guess it's just a good old misery, but sometimes it feels like it's not far away from someone who walks around drunk and does "nothing" with his life.
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Would you consider some of the masterclass? I think you have a loath of ideas, but are you capable to bring those into a final product? Perhaps you need more structure ore some rules to work towards something....The best writers and movie makers made some rules for themselves. I did not follow this....but you could consider the David linch masterclass. Or perhaps the problem is that you are following the David linch masterclass.... then you should do something that works for you.....
 
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I think I write too much, holding onto every detail leading one explanation into another which is kinda mix between expanding room for imagination and also limiting it in some kind of way. I mean let's be honest writing and reading is not the same - I can't read a book, but I sure can write one.
I've seen a few masterclasses, they are good for sparking inspiration but really even in school I used writing as an escape and never really listened to what was going outside. It's a strange way, but really there ain't that much resources to learn from. Mostly it's all about that screenplay template and short straight to the point sentences. I'm on my way, but one thing for sure - in film school they don't teach *** about screenwriting. Well maybe they do, but really it's up to you mostly. Write, write and write, keep it short tho :D
 
There's actually a LOT of resources to learn from. You just need to find the ones that MATCH (more or less) your writing style. From reading your posts, it sounds like you really don't know how to start an actual story and progress through it. You seem to be saying that you're getting all caught up in the writing -- some of it, leading nowhere.

None of that is a problem for a first draft... I've had first drafts just shy of 200 pages. The trick is to be able to WHITTLE it back down to something worthy of reading by an agent, manager, or producer.

It does kind of sound like you may have a structural problem... i.e., not knowing what comes NEXT. Structure isn't formula. You need a good, solid structure in order to move forward.

Just my two cents.
 

sfoster

Staff Member
Moderator
I think I write too much, holding onto every detail leading one explanation into another which is kinda mix between expanding room for imagination and also limiting it in some kind of way. I mean let's be honest writing and reading is not the same - I can't read a book, but I sure can write one.
I've seen a few masterclasses, they are good for sparking inspiration but really even in school I used writing as an escape and never really listened to what was going outside. It's a strange way, but really there ain't that much resources to learn from. Mostly it's all about that screenplay template and short straight to the point sentences. I'm on my way, but one thing for sure - in film school they don't teach *** about screenwriting. Well maybe they do, but really it's up to you mostly. Write, write and write, keep it short tho :D
Really strange to be a screen play writer and never read any screen plays by other ppl. That is the greatest resource to learn.
 
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