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critique Logline review

Hi all. Hope I'm not jumpimg the gun by requesting feedback so soon. If so, happy to delete and repost further down the line.
This is my logline for my completed script: Paradise...Africa

When a rare albino gorilla is born in the Congo, a disgraced soldier turned antipoaching specialist is tasked with destroying it before the valuable animal can be used to finance a violent civil war.

Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
Norm
 

mlesemann

Staff Member
Moderator
I like it too. I'd just consider simplifying it a little.

When a rare albino gorilla is born in the Congo, an anti-poaching specialist must destroy it before the valuable animal can be used to finance a civil war.

All civil wars are violent, pretty much by definition. And while I assume that you used "tasked with" because someone/something told him to do it, I think "must" works better.
 
I like it too. I'd just consider simplifying it a little.

When a rare albino gorilla is born in the Congo, an anti-poaching specialist must destroy it before the valuable animal can be used to finance a civil war.

All civil wars are violent, pretty much by definition. And while I assume that you used "tasked with" because someone/something told him to do it, I think "must" works better.
Awesome! Thank you so much
 
Hi all. Hope I'm not jumpimg the gun by requesting feedback so soon. If so, happy to delete and repost further down the line.
This is my logline for my completed script: Paradise...Africa

When a rare albino gorilla is born in the Congo, a disgraced soldier turned antipoaching specialist is tasked with destroying it before the valuable animal can be used to finance a violent civil war.

Just my opinion:
  • I find the phrase "is tasked with" a bit awkward. The phrase "is ordered to" seems more natural, but of course only if it describes your plot correctly.
  • Also, "destroying it" -- IMO that's weaker terminology than "killing it."
  • I like the "disgraced soldier turned antipoaching specialist." I think it does a lot to describe your protagonist.
  • To me, the biggest concern is that I can't wrap my head around the logic of an anti-poacher being assigned to kill a rare animal, so the logline leaves me puzzled. Perhaps this is intended to arouse curiosity?
 
The fine tuning of the line aside, is this really what you want to say about the story? I'm just asking.

When I read the line, my first thought was 'why does he have to kill it to keep it from being sold to finance a war?' Sounds kind of ridiculous. Unless he was being paid to track it down and kill it. Just some quick cash for him, but when faced with the reality of the situation, he decides to save it, not kill it. Move it someplace safe. If that's the intention, then the tagline should allude to that, but If it really is his goal to simply kill the little beast then I guess the tagline is ok...

Civil wars are not necessarily bad. I suppose the details of this one are in the story and not just glanced over with the presumption that all civil wars are bad.
 
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