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critique LETHAL ATTRACTION (would like feedback on this story)

So I posted this story description in a couple Facebook groups and got good feedback. Like "wow", and "this is perfect". Of course it has tonnes of flaws -- but it motivated me to post it here. The feel/genre of this story is similar to Pulp Fiction. You could call it a drama with heavy elements of comedy, sex, and violence.

Here is Title, Logline, and Story.



When an egocentric mum falls for a rowdy bull riding cowboy, and her nerdy son kisses his provocative new stepsister, things start dying.


Our MC is a lonely teenage boy who lives outside town in a small house with his mum, who mostly cares about herself and her four horses.

One night, she brings home a rowdy cowboy from the club, a physical specimen and bull rider at the local rodeo.

It is almost morning when our MC wakes up to the creaks and groans of an old house trying to contain the minor earthquake coming from his mums bedroom.

Not to mention the embarrassing clapping sound and the high pitched moaning that wakes up the whole street – including the neighbours dog that won’t stop barking. The dog is later found dead, smashed to pieces (DEATH 1).

Short thereafter, the wild cowboy and his flirty teenage daughter move into the house. The cowboy often walks around naked after having fucked his mum. His daughter always finds excuses to be naked. They are physically beautiful and compliment each other.

Our MC is bullied at school, they throw food at him and shove his head down dirty toilets. Publicly humiliate him. Makes him beg for mercy. Early next morning, the main bully is found dead high up in a tree outside him own home (DEATH 2).

Then, when the MC and his stepsister kiss for the very first time – a touchy creepy stalker from school pop up and take their picture. Our MC chases him down and bludgeons him to death (DEATH 3).

The cowboy comes home and gets rid of the body with a creepy efficiency. They learn about all the people that have died or dissappeared before their parents ever met. A trail of death has followed this cowboy and his promiscuous daughter.

They figure out that the cowboy only loses control and starts killing things when his primal brain is stimulated by booze and women -- at the same time. He is too primal, and our MC isn’t primal enough. They have the opposite problem, and agree to teach each other.

The MC instructs the cowboy to join the A.A., enter anger management, do yoga, workout every day, visit a prostitute if he has to, and watch every episode of Dexter. He must direct his destructive power towards items, then animals, then humans. His final exam is to go over to the neighbours and apologize for killing their dog.

The cowboy, on the other hand, shows the MC how to fight, fuck, run, shoot, survive in the woods, and ride bulls. His final exam is a boxing fight versus another kid on the street. He must also go and stand up to the old man down the street, who has been harassing him for years. The old man responds by shooting him in the leg.

This sends the cowboy into a furious frenzy. He smashes his way through the old man’s car, garden, shed, porch, and beloved rocking chair.

But upon seeing the frail old man shaking in his bed, he decides against killing him, instead whips out his piece, and pisses on his face. He removes the old man’s glasses, steps on them, and pretends to cum in his face.

He takes a giant shit and shoves the old mans head down the toilet. Makes him beg for more. He sends the women off to collect a bucket of cum from the horses. He ties the old homophobic man down to the kitchen table and forces him to watch gay porn for hours. At the climax he uses the warm horse semen to “come” in the old man’s face, who is so humiliated he tries to commit suicide by stopping to breathe.

They search the place for cash and jewelry -- as compensation for the trouble -- and party with coke and booze as the sun goes down. The neighbours calls the police on them, but the women win them over with a lapdance and a massage. The cowboy asks the police officers to try hold him down, and this turns into a fun little game. They have a shooting competition.

The cowboy asks the MC if he may kiss his mother, which he may. The MC asks if he may kiss the cowboy’s daughter, which he may.

They have established a mutually beneficial relationship and now respect each other.
I imagine--I hope--that this is a response you anticipated, maybe, even, we're going for, but :

I couldn't watch this. It is too, too, too, with the feces and the semen and all, revolting.

Nothing personal. You do have a sense of dramatic structure, and your prose is, in a comically blunt way, good. And I think I understand that there is a kind of hyper gross-out, hyper black humor genre here that you are experimenting with. And this is admirable, is certainly worth trying. But it's a high wire act.
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And, I feel like adding, I kind of imagined (and this is probably my prejudice) that people from Sweden were more . . . civilized, lol, like, you know, Imgmar Bergman and Roger Federer. At least compared to us vulgar Yanks. (I imagine we have been, to the world, a bad influence, :) .) Anyway.
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And, I feel like adding, I kind of imagined (and this is probably my prejudice) that people from Sweden were more . . . civilized, lol, like, you know, Imgmar Bergman and Roger Federer. At least compared to us vulgar Yanks. (I imagine we have been, to the world, a bad influence, :) .)Anyway.
I don't know about that... LOLOLOL. I've been all over the world and you should SEE some of the shit that goes on out there that's EASY to find... Not so easy to find in the U.S.

*EDIT: By the way... That's not criticism in any way. In fact? In a hell of a lot of other countries out there? Especially Europe? Are simply LESS HUNG UP on shit that anything to do with sex.
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