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Is this pinch line interesting???

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Hi friends these days i am writing a story and later on i will convert it into script.

The sory is devided into 5 different parts (or you can say 5 stories are linked together to make one story). Just wanted to know that is this pinch line attracting you or not ? Please give remarks considering it my first attempt.. Just forgot to tell it is a horror story. The Pinch line is

"The jungle of darkenss, fear and terror, Where every spoken word use to become a horrible truth.


Please tell me does it attract you?


Regards


_____________________________
www.indie-filmmaking.blogspot.com
 
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If this is your logline it's too confusing and doesn't make me want to read the script.
If this is you tag line, I agree with will. Too wordy.
 
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ok the story is about 4 friends who were out for a camping in a jungle far away from the urban area. The jungle was famous for the myth that no one comes back from this jungle.. So these 4 friends decided to take this adventoureous trip. While they are done with tenting etc they decided to make this night more adventourous. SO they planned to tell one story (each) linked with this jungle. All 4 stories were horror stories. At the end of the 4 stories they found that the jungle's environment is not natural but they had not even seen anything till now......... they started roaming here and there and they found that all the 4 stories which they told had become a truth.


Will it help you to make a pinch line?





what about the story itself. Did you find it interesting? or useless?



i am not mentioning those 4 stories (or you can say short stories) which were told by these 4 friends. I hope you understand the copywrite issues


PLease do give your precious comments


Regards


____________________________
www.indie-filmmaking.blogspot.com
 
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I've never heard the term "pinch line" so I don't know what you're looking for... sorry.


I do, however, think that my sample log line above works good based on the additional information you've provided. It's kind of a twist on the saying, "watch what you say"... but different, and better, and fitting. in my opinion anyway. :)


Or I suppose it could also be written as such, "Watch what you say, in here what you say watches you"
 
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Will Vincent I am extreamly sorry. I wanted to say Pitch Line....but while typing fast i typed pinch line without thinking of the exact word. I am extreamly sorry



It is PITCH LINE not PINCH line


I am very very sorry friends..



Regards
 
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Funtastic Will i loved the Pitch line ""Watch what you say, in here what you say watches you"

It was the hardest thing for me . Attracting people on one sentence... You rock
And thanks for a precious advise of
Film is a complex language, learning its grammar and punctuation is important, or you'll end up a filmmaker whose films speak the language like somebody fresh off the boat in a new country.
Click to expand...



So anyone else willing to contribute?


Regards.



_____________________________
www.indie-filmmaking.blogspot.com
 
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I really like: "Watch what you say, in here what you say watches you".

That's brilliant. But pinchline/pitchline/punchline doesn't make any sense. Try:

High Concept (The "square root" of the movie's synopsis and character arc... well, it's hard to find a way to describe high concept in true high concept style- read www.unknownscreenwriter.com for the best information on how to build up a high concept)

or

Tagline (Which is more what you have there... an intriguing line that hints at the theme of the film that is good for marketing... like "This Time, It's Personal" or "Heeee's Baaaack" and such)

So maybe Tagline is what you're looking for. Will's is good because it's intruiging and mysterious... for me, combined with the description you posted, I envisioned it it my head perfectly and saw a really cool movie in there, which is kinda high-concepty.... Good tagline though.
 
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Spatula as you said

I envisioned it it my head perfectly and saw a really cool movie in there, which is kinda high-concepty.... Good tagline though.
Click to expand...

i wanted to know you liked the tagline of Will + my idea(though still its incomplete) or you are talking only about liking the tagline? If you liked my story detail too then thanks for it.


Will

Thanks again.

Well i should mention one important thing when i said Pitch line. In old threads and posts and via emails i came to know that when a script writer goes to financer/director he has alimited time so he has to explain the details in few lines which is called Pitch line (or we can say pitch the idea) and for that we have to use minimum words(as they all are busy people so cant listen the whole story of an unknown person in first meeting) So i wanted to get that Pitch line.what that should be?

the site you have mentioned is too good. I will try to read all the material related to scriptwriting.

Will i am again thankful to you. I dont thing i would have been able to create such a great tag line for my first script.Once again thanks a lot.


Regards



_____________________________
www.indie-filmmaking.blogspot.com
 
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A pitch isn't a line.. it's a brief synopsis of the story that's used to sell the idea... so it has to be exciting, etc. Pitching a story is what you do when (and if) you go to see a producer/studio/whomever is looking for a script, it's a bit of a performance really.. ;)
 
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