I've gotten a lot from this post and the reviews of Half-A-Heart. A reviewer at Zoetrope during her review shortened the action lines. So, I took a few examples from her review and my original and found a site called "Ask an Expert" or something like that. And asked about the examples. Below is his response. It's actually pretty interesting, and I wholeheartedly agree with him, with the exception of the little piece of dialogue he threw in. Action verbs, it's short sweet and gets to the point.
George,
Keep this in mind at ALL TIMES when interacting
with people in the film business. In one sense,
like William Goldman said, "Nobody knows anything."
Also, the film business is subjective. Think about
walking out of a theater with your wife, or someone
else, whoever, after watching a movie together. It
is likely that your discussion will include your
individual POV's regarding the movie. They most
likely will not match. The point is, the film
business is subjective. What one person dislikes, and
that includes the way the screenplay is written,
someone else may love it. Also, there are a variety
of ways to format and structure a screenplay. The
more you study, read, and learn from writing, listening
to reviewers, etc., keep this in mind at all times,
simply utilize that which your intuition tells you,
you should accept. Then, reject everything else.
As you do this, you will begin developing your
writing "voice", your writing style, which is a
total of what you have learned throughout your
screenwriting experience. Just because an "expert"
says something about your work, that doesn't mean
that expert is right. What it means is how does
it affect you? If you don't like what is said,
then, look at yourself and determine why you
don't like it. It simply might be that the
"expert" is "pushing" his/her style on you,
instead of showing respect for your style.
In my humble opinion, I believe your version
needs minor repair.
Put "Baggage Carousel" after AIRPORT
in the slug line.
INT. JFK AIRPORT/CAROUSEL - DAY
If you don't, you should have the Cole/Haig
book, "The Complete Guide to Standard Script
Formats, Part I, The Screenplay." Baggage
carousel is a location. Although your form
is acceptable, for those readers who are more
anal, my suggestion will work better for you,
and it creates more white on the page, in
addition to making it an easier read.
The second sentence, should be two sentences.
"Bustling crowd pushes. Shoves for luggage."
Good action verbs, but make the action
sentences shorter.
The key to having more white than black
in your screenplays, focus on your verb
usage. Action verbs for sentences with
any kind of action in them. Action sentences
should be short and choppy. These kinds
of sentences, then, result in more white
than black.
In the third sentence, have Mr. Johnson elbowing
someone, or pushing someone, or eyeing the tags
on the bags in search for his. As the sentence
stands, "stand", a passive verb, is boring. The
screenwriter must utilize action verbs in order
to keep the reader reading. By utilizing action
verbs more, you will be building characterization,
and entertaining the reader more.
Also, in this particular sentence, forget about
telling the reader how far away Mr. Johnson is
standing. Give them something to read on about,
like, "Where is he standing?" Readers will want
to know this. Someone said about entertaining
audiences once: "Make them cry. Make them laugh.
But, whatever you do, make them wait." Making
audiences wait perks their interest. They will
want to know where Mr. Johnson is standing, so
they will continuing reading until they know
where he is standing.
The MARYELLEN intro is too "bulky", in my humble
opinion. Compare this example to yours, then, you
make the decision: "MARYELLEN, 20's, a fair-skinned
woman wielding a parasol, nudges Mr. Johnson. "Excuse
me, Suh, can you be a honey, and hand me my bag?"
The point here, in order to be more effective with
your writing, always remember, film is a visual
medium. Therefore, every opportunity you have,
show rather than tell. These sentence you have
written are too passive. They're boring, please
forgive me for saying that. It doesn't mean I don't
respect you as a screenwriter, what I mean is
that successful screenwriters show, they don't tell.
And the key way to do that, is to focus on the kinds
of verbs you use.
Agents and production companies have one thing in
mind when they read your screenplays. Will it sell?
For the agent, will it sell to the production
company? For the production company, will it sell
to the distributor and the audience? They care
about nothing else. If they don't sell, they
don't have a job. That's the way it works in
any business that sells products.
So, rather than casting a judgment on them, think
in terms of what they have said about your
screenplay. They are telling you something about
what they think will sell. If you disagree, which
is your prerogative, you disagree. There's nothing
wrong with disagreeing. Simply learn from what they
tell you, and reject what you don't want to learn
from them, and move forward to the next agent and
the production company.
I do believe, without reading the rest of your
screenplay, that your version would mostly get
tossed aside because it is too passive. The agent
and producer were bored, or they wouldn't have
passed on your screenplay. Juice it up with
appropriate verb usage, and shorter sentences,
and your writing will improve, and you will
improve as a writer, and you will enhance your
opportunities to sell/option your screenplays.
Keeping the screenplay under 100 pages is always
good. There is less to read. And the reader can
get on with the next script off their stack of
scripts to read.
To enhance your screenplay for the reader's eyes,
check all of the verbs in your screenplay. See
what would happen if you changed a passive verb
into an active verb, the appropriate active verb.
Then, rewrite the sentence. I would bet that it
will be shorter, more descriptive, more active,
and more fun to read. There will be less black
on the page, and the agent and production
company will love it.
I hope this has been of help to you.
