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critique I wrote story premise but I don't know if it's worth developing need critiques. ~1700 word overview of a story

J

jeffthepie

Hello, I am a young inexperienced High-schooler and I have been making short documentaries but want to try something new. I need feedback on an idea for a feature I created based off of the game "One Chance" It is about an error in trials for curing cancer which goes wrong and releases a deadly virus which is expected to kill everyone. I would like to expand it into a full script but I don't know if it's a solid premise or if there are any glaring errors in it.

Feedback/critiques would be VERY appreciated. Thank you.

Link to doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QuURuFs8KOudUhdcM6sF8irBfr1gecAvynO4Gf2o8yg/edit?usp=sharing
 
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Absolutely worth developing!

Right now it reads like you're a young inexperienced high-schooler so I don't have
any feedback. I wrote my first scrips while in high school. I kept at it and got better
and 12 years later I sold one of them as a TV episode - after a lot of rewriting. And
another I returned to close to 20 years after I originally wrote it and made the movie
as a director.

I see potential in this story. Next step is to write your screenplay.
 
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Just a few thoughts;

First, I found this outline hard to get through. Hint: when a paragraph approaches three pages, consider breaking it down :)

Maybe, If you feel like a next step toward making your outline more user-friendly, fist try a bullet-point type list of each plot point, stated as quickly as possible. I think I understand that this would be quite a lot of work, but it might get you thinking along the lines of dramatic structure and focus, and this, as the idea develops, can be kind of exciting.

Anyway, I think it's a good start, and I agree, you have a story here that could easily be developed. I do get that this is kind of brainstorming, and I can appreciate, and applaud, the effort involved in both writing and posting.

And I like that you are starting to see images, like the ice sculpture. And I like this action line a lot: "Science talk." :)
 
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Also, I would recommend, if you start to try a script, Celtx. They have a desktop and mobile version that is free to use, and it will show you how to format. I use the mobile version of Final Draft, which will produce a professional quality script, and which costs around ten bucks.
 
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