I need help with this short script: The Custodian of Time

[Budget:0]

Hey guys.

Lately, I've been working on this script. It's a sci-fi, crime film that discusses...

Well, you can see that for yourself.

I'd appreciate it if you guys could tell me what's wrong with it. Be honest. As the metaphor goes, "I'll take my coffee black."

I appreciate any critiques about the story flow, dialog and formatting (especially that.)

Thanks in advance.

EDIT: Check post #8 for a revised script.

 

[alexwhitmer]

I'll give page one review now, and do a follow-up on story asap.

This ...

FADE IN

EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

THE CUSTODIAN, a wiry man with a slightly graying beard,
crouches behind a few trash cans. He’s dressed in a tux.

When introducing your characters, you want to keep like information together. Here you tell us about the beard and that he's wiry, then tell us about his position (action), then back to his appearence. Keep Appearence info together, and action info together, like this ...

THE CUSTODIAN, a wiry man with a slightly graying beard, a crisp tux,
crouches behind a few trash cans.

This ...

He brandishes his silenced pistol from its holster.

One does not brandish a pistol from a holster. Removes, yes. Brandishing happens afterwards.

This ...

The camera PANS UP above the trash cans to reveal a man
walking down the sidewalk on the other side of the street.
THE CUSTODIAN peeks over the trash cans, seeing that his
target is coming closer.

Lose the camera directions. Save it for a shooting script. Also, how do we know the man walking is the target? You MUST remember that you are writing for a viewing audience. DO NOT write for a reader. Find a visual way to identify the man walking as an intended target.

And, since this walking man is a character with some importance to the story, or so it seems so far, give him a name and cap it. You follow with the lines below where The Custodian shoots the man in the leg - this man needs a name, even if it is WALKING MAN.

THE CUSTODIAN (V.O)
I’ve always hated this job.

This ...

THE CUSTODIAN runs to the other side of the street, and
shoots the man in his right leg.

As mentioned, fix this. And does it really matter if it's the right leg?

This ...

He collapses to the ground, and THE CUSTODIAN begins to drag
him into a nearby alley.

Who collapses? You just gave me a 'The Custodian' action running, and you follow with a pronoun HE. I read it as The Custodian, but the next phrase indicates it was likey the man who fell.

Also, it's a given he will collapse 'to the ground', so lose that as well.

And, he begins to drag? He is or he isn't, so lose 'begins'. If I were to rewrite that block ...

Walking Man collapses, The Custodian drags him into a nearby alley.

That is 16 words down to 11. And yes it matters.

This ...

The man screams for help several times, but no help arrives.
They stop in the alley, and THE CUSTODIAN flips the man
over, and points his gun at his face.

Now that you are in an alley, you need to add a slug to identify that move.

I'd lose the 'but no help arrives' bit. I don't see any characters introduced, so pretty obvious no one has arrived.

They stop in the alley? If you had an alley slug, there would be no need for this.

Too many 'ands'

He flips him over? Did we know he was being dragged on his stomach? (I am assuming he is now on his back since the gun is in his face) Is The Custodian dragging this man by a foot, or by a hand or arm?

Maybe try something like ...

EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT

Walking Man screams for help. The Custodian drops Walking Man's leg, puts a gun in his face.



THE CUSTODIAN
Sir, what do you think you’re doing
out here?

MAN
Just walking. Didn’t know that was
a crime.

This ...

THE CUSTODIAN grimaces, and smacks him.

Lose the 'and'

This ...

THE CUSTODIAN (V.O)
All the pain I have to deal, and
all the lives I’m forced to end.
It’s not fun.

I think you need some kind of action between these two dialogues. Threw me off, here.

THE CUSTODIAN
You’ve committed a Time Crime.

MAN
Time Crime? What?

Ah, okay, he's called MAN. Put this info up where you first intro him. Also, I am not a big fan of capping a character's name after they have been introduced. This can really confuse when introducing new characters further along in the story. You want them to jump out, but if everyone is capped, then they can easily be missed as new.


alex

 

[Budget:0]

I'll give page one review now, and do a follow-up on story asap.

This ...

FADE IN

EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

THE CUSTODIAN, a wiry man with a slightly graying beard,
crouches behind a few trash cans. He’s dressed in a tux.

When introducing your characters, you want to keep like information together. Here you tell us about the beard and that he's wiry, then tell us about his position (action), then back to his appearence. Keep Appearence info together, and action info together, like this ...

THE CUSTODIAN, a wiry man with a slightly graying beard, a crisp tux,
crouches behind a few trash cans.

This ...

He brandishes his silenced pistol from its holster.

One does not brandish a pistol from a holster. Removes, yes. Brandishing happens afterwards.

This ...

The camera PANS UP above the trash cans to reveal a man
walking down the sidewalk on the other side of the street.
THE CUSTODIAN peeks over the trash cans, seeing that his
target is coming closer.

Lose the camera directions. Save it for a shooting script. Also, how do we know the man walking is the target? You MUST remember that you are writing for a viewing audience. DO NOT write for a reader. Find a visual way to identify the man walking as an intended target.

And, since this walking man is a character with some importance to the story, or so it seems so far, give him a name and cap it. You follow with the lines below where The Custodian shoots the man in the leg - this man needs a name, even if it is WALKING MAN.

THE CUSTODIAN (V.O)
I’ve always hated this job.

This ...

THE CUSTODIAN runs to the other side of the street, and
shoots the man in his right leg.

As mentioned, fix this. And does it really matter if it's the right leg?

This ...

He collapses to the ground, and THE CUSTODIAN begins to drag
him into a nearby alley.

Who collapses? You just gave me a 'The Custodian' action running, and you follow with a pronoun HE. I read it as The Custodian, but the next phrase indicates it was likey the man who fell.

Also, it's a given he will collapse 'to the ground', so lose that as well.

And, he begins to drag? He is or he isn't, so lose 'begins'. If I were to rewrite that block ...

Walking Man collapses, The Custodian drags him into a nearby alley.

That is 16 words down to 11. And yes it matters.

This ...

The man screams for help several times, but no help arrives.
They stop in the alley, and THE CUSTODIAN flips the man
over, and points his gun at his face.

Now that you are in an alley, you need to add a slug to identify that move.

I'd lose the 'but no help arrives' bit. I don't see any characters introduced, so pretty obvious no one has arrived.

They stop in the alley? If you had an alley slug, there would be no need for this.

Too many 'ands'

He flips him over? Did we know he was being dragged on his stomach? (I am assuming he is now on his back since the gun is in his face) Is The Custodian dragging this man by a foot, or by a hand or arm?

Maybe try something like ...

EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT

Walking Man screams for help. The Custodian drops Walking Man's leg, puts a gun in his face.



THE CUSTODIAN
Sir, what do you think you’re doing
out here?

MAN
Just walking. Didn’t know that was
a crime.

This ...

THE CUSTODIAN grimaces, and smacks him.

Lose the 'and'

This ...

THE CUSTODIAN (V.O)
All the pain I have to deal, and
all the lives I’m forced to end.
It’s not fun.

I think you need some kind of action between these two dialogues. Threw me off, here.

THE CUSTODIAN
You’ve committed a Time Crime.

MAN
Time Crime? What?

Ah, okay, he's called MAN. Put this info up where you first intro him. Also, I am not a big fan of capping a character's name after they have been introduced. This can really confuse when introducing new characters further along in the story. You want them to jump out, but if everyone is capped, then they can easily be missed as new.


alex

http://thestarvingdramaturge.wordpress.com/



.

Thanks ever so much. I'll use this critique and go back in to the script.

EDIT: I like your character description. Any way I re-write it, it will come out basically the same way. Can i use yours?

 

[CrazyChris]

I'm going to serve it pitch black, I hope this is really what you want. And I'm no professional as you know. Please don't take me too seriously.

I can't really say I liked it. It reminds me heavily of other films and literature. I'm thinking of the film called Looper coming out later this year here. The concept doesn't grab me either, and the character isn't interesting enough to support it. Who is he? Right now I don't care, thinking as an unbiased reader. It's like he's the kind of character we should follow into a bizarre world, who has little to say, which your character doesn't, instead responding every time the other guys speak. Less is more with this dialogue, I think. Try coming up with a backstory, inform what he's doing. Give him some kind of drive to do his horrific job.

And I feel like he should be the audience in this film, so maybe he should introduce us to his world, and maybe, as a suggestion, discover something new about it. But he isn't that interesting. He seems like your typical hitman. *cough, hypocrisy, cough*

And the narrative monologue doesn't seem in any way necessary. It's early in the script, yes, but I'm yet to see how this device can help as opposed to not. Why do I need to hear this? What will it tell me that subtly hinting wouldn't. And it doesn't conclude, it just pops up every now and again in awkward places, confusing me.

And most of the first scene seemed pointless. Why did he have a conversation with the man he has to kill? I don't understand that. Surely you'd just want it over with, before you get to know the guy. And it amplifies your chances of getting caught. It doesn't have an angle from which it feels like it should be there. And the time traveller has nothing to say. He doesn't further the plot. This is the first scene, you need to hook me immediately. I say that from experience with showing people my scripts in person (which in hindsight was cruel). I always need to put something juicy out on the table to begin with, so I can bore them with the exposition I need after the fact. And I think it works best when exposition is removed completely. Try to make it explain itself. That's what I try to do, and it helps me get down to the good bits quick and with as small a breaks as possible. But when you need to, I recommend this idea from Blake Snyder (in Save the Cat!, which is a pretty good book with some decent tips, but a tad guru-y), which is pope in the pool. The idea is you have something happening during the scene other then the exposition, something to distract the audience, so you can get across your information without annoying anyone. The title come from this scene Blake discribes, which is from this Vatican based comedy. During this scene where there's heaps of exposition and plot convenient talking, the Pope is swimming in a pool. It's brilliant, so odd you don't feel the exposition punching you in the face. I have no idea what the scene's from, and I suspect it was never produced. I could be wrong. But yeah, Pope in the Pool, it's the way I'd do it. Doesn't have to be funny or even obvious. What I think I'll do for Death to Harrison is have an undertone of fear running through my minimal exposition, so hopefully I'll get my information across but still be able to keep my script interesting, which'll be nice if it works. I can only hope.

One other point is you need to be more concise with your description. You said a lot that could be unsaid or removen completely.

Here's some examples nit picks of mine:

The camera PANS UP above the trash cans to reveal a man
walking down the sidewalk on the other side of the street.

You could've just said: He sees a stranger walking down sidewalk on other street. Or even just: Strange walks on the sidewalk across the street. You can be more concise here. Just say what I'm supposed to see, I don't want all the camera angles. It muddles me up. The director handles that anyway.

THE CUSTODIAN shoots the pistol, aiming at BOB’s head.

This is so weird to see. You should say it's pointed at his head first, then say he gets shot.

And this'll be the last one, I don't wanna rag on you too hard.

He begins to drag BOB to a waste disposal unit, that has a
blue hourglass on top.

You say "He begins". When you start a new line of description it plays out as a cut - some kind of change in shot - in my head. So my film brain expects the action to be happening when we cut to it. What would he be doing before? "He begins" insinuates he was doing something before. What it forces me to imagine is him just standing awkwardly, then dragging him. Just say he drags him, because it's what we'd see in the film in this single shot which this line of description represents, at least to me. And the last part reads awkwardly. Maybe go with ",marked with a blue hourglass". And that is an important thing to note right? If not it doesn't make sense to be there, but because it is I assume it's important.

Ok, I'm gonna just stop. I've said so much, I couldn't help it. I always do this. So I hope it was this black which you requested.

And just quickly, I hadn't seen what Alex said when I wrote most of this, so I may well mimic him at points. Just a disclaimer. Also I haven't really spellchecked. I'm too tired. Just do your best to understand me.

Ok, I'm actually gonna stop now. Seriously. Right now. Good luck with the script. Hope I've paid you back and you aren't pissed.

 

[Budget:0]

. *cough, hypocrisy, cough*

Ehm, what? Not sure what you're saying. (Maybe I should go back to your thread and see what I said).

Other than that I thought your review of the script was exactly what I needed.

Thanks.

EDIT: I'm not the person that said Dylan was just a typical guy.

And nothing in your post angers me. It's disappointing to know that the script doesn't work, but that's not your fault, it's mine.

 

[CrazyChris]

Haha, by hypocrisy I meant I was doing the same thing. Nothing on you.

Sorry for being so insecure. I'm normally hated on when I critique. Just a reflex to keep putting in disclaimers.

 

[Budget:0]

Haha, by hypocrisy I meant I was doing the same thing. Nothing on you.

Sorry for being so insecure. I'm normally hated on when I critique. Just a reflex to keep putting in disclaimers.

This isn't exactly my first time being critiqued. I've been critiqued several times, and I've done a bit of it myself.

If someone replies to you in an asinine manner after you critique their work, off with their head.

Only reason to dispute a critique is if they actually skipped stuff and did a little "speed-reading."

 

[Budget:0]

Link: https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B5KIP0XApNuISWF2NGhfNHhqOEU/edit

This is an edit that changes the dialog, improves on the action and makes things less nonsensical. I hope that there's something in there you guys can praise amongst the many things to critique.

Thanks, guys. Y'all are the best.

DISCLAIMER: there's some no-no words in there.

EDIT: I noticed that at one point in the script, I refer to MAN as BOB. Why? I'm not sure. It was pretty late when I was editing....

So please ignore/don't critique that. That's something I'll fix on Celtx now.

 

[Budget:0]

Bump

Not to be rude, but there was an up-welling of comments that arose around the time I posted the last comment, and I don't think anyone saw it.

Or, it's just that bad.

Thanks to anyone who reads and comments.

Take care.