I'll give page one review now, and do a follow-up on story asap.
This ...
FADE IN
EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
THE CUSTODIAN, a wiry man with a slightly graying beard,
crouches behind a few trash cans. He’s dressed in a tux.
When introducing your characters, you want to keep like information together. Here you tell us about the beard and that he's wiry, then tell us about his position (action), then back to his appearence. Keep Appearence info together, and action info together, like this ...
THE CUSTODIAN, a wiry man with a slightly graying beard, a crisp tux,
crouches behind a few trash cans.
This ...
He brandishes his silenced pistol from its holster.
One does not brandish a pistol from a holster. Removes, yes. Brandishing happens afterwards.
This ...
The camera PANS UP above the trash cans to reveal a man
walking down the sidewalk on the other side of the street.
THE CUSTODIAN peeks over the trash cans, seeing that his
target is coming closer.
Lose the camera directions. Save it for a shooting script. Also, how do we know the man walking is the target? You MUST remember that you are writing for a viewing audience. DO NOT write for a reader. Find a visual way to identify the man walking as an intended target.
And, since this walking man is a character with some importance to the story, or so it seems so far, give him a name and cap it. You follow with the lines below where The Custodian shoots the man in the leg - this man needs a name, even if it is WALKING MAN.
THE CUSTODIAN (V.O)
I’ve always hated this job.
This ...
THE CUSTODIAN runs to the other side of the street, and
shoots the man in his right leg.
As mentioned, fix this. And does it really matter if it's the right leg?
This ...
He collapses to the ground, and THE CUSTODIAN begins to drag
him into a nearby alley.
Who collapses? You just gave me a 'The Custodian' action running, and you follow with a pronoun HE. I read it as The Custodian, but the next phrase indicates it was likey the man who fell.
Also, it's a given he will collapse 'to the ground', so lose that as well.
And, he begins to drag? He is or he isn't, so lose 'begins'. If I were to rewrite that block ...
Walking Man collapses, The Custodian drags him into a nearby alley.
That is 16 words down to 11. And yes it matters.
This ...
The man screams for help several times, but no help arrives.
They stop in the alley, and THE CUSTODIAN flips the man
over, and points his gun at his face.
Now that you are in an alley, you need to add a slug to identify that move.
I'd lose the 'but no help arrives' bit. I don't see any characters introduced, so pretty obvious no one has arrived.
They stop in the alley? If you had an alley slug, there would be no need for this.
Too many 'ands'
He flips him over? Did we know he was being dragged on his stomach? (I am assuming he is now on his back since the gun is in his face) Is The Custodian dragging this man by a foot, or by a hand or arm?
Maybe try something like ...
EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT
Walking Man screams for help. The Custodian drops Walking Man's leg, puts a gun in his face.
THE CUSTODIAN
Sir, what do you think you’re doing
out here?
MAN
Just walking. Didn’t know that was
a crime.
This ...
THE CUSTODIAN grimaces, and smacks him.
Lose the 'and'
This ...
THE CUSTODIAN (V.O)
All the pain I have to deal, and
all the lives I’m forced to end.
It’s not fun.
I think you need some kind of action between these two dialogues. Threw me off, here.
THE CUSTODIAN
You’ve committed a Time Crime.
MAN
Time Crime? What?
Ah, okay, he's called MAN. Put this info up where you first intro him. Also, I am not a big fan of capping a character's name after they have been introduced. This can really confuse when introducing new characters further along in the story. You want them to jump out, but if everyone is capped, then they can easily be missed as new.
alex
http://thestarvingdramaturge.wordpress.com/
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