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I did work :D

insert_cliche_here

insert_cliche_here

Okey dokey, I read through my entire draft today (which, in itself, is quite incredible) and I found a lot of things I want to change and mistakes I need to fix up. And then, here's the really amazing thing, I actually started doing that. Granted it was at 20 past midnight, but still.
The outcome of this is, it's 2:30am and I have 22 scenes that I've revised and that are now ready for human consumption. This is still a draft though, I'm not saying it's finished. Since it's late and I'm tired, a little hungry and slightly delirious, I'm gonna go ahead and share these scenes with you all.

There is a fair bit of adult content (drug use, sex scenes, swearing and so on).

Clicky click

So, forum at large, what do you think?
 
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On page 7, this line seems a little clunky, it doesn't flow smoothly when spoken out loud.

HENNLEY
That is nowhere near as
reassuring as I’m sure you meant
it to be.
Click to expand...

This is an interesting script. There are a lot of things to like. I like the "name" conversation between Hennley and Echo. I noticed a lot of good uses of subtext.

Page 10-
rebelion?
Click to expand...
should be rebellion.
Same page-
choclate
Click to expand...
should be chocolate.

Page 16-
HENNLEY
Oh, of course, der.
Click to expand...
Does der mean something in British?

Page 21-
HENNLEY
Well you’re only young.
Click to expand...
British grammar?

Page 27-
They each fiddle with their mobiles.
Click to expand...
So this is the 2000's?

Page 29-
their
Click to expand...
should be they're.

Sooo... does the second scene take place around 2030? (Since the next scenes have cell phones and DVD's) That's going to be an interesting costume challenge.

Good job so far, can't wait to read the rest.:)
 
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jrsmithson said:
On page 7, this line seems a little clunky, it doesn't flow smoothly when spoken out loud.



This is an interesting script. There are a lot of things to like. I like the "name" conversation between Hennley and Echo. I noticed a lot of good uses of subtext.

Page 10- should be rebellion.
Same page- should be chocolate.

Page 16- Does der mean something in British?

Page 21- British grammar?

Page 27- So this is the 2000's?

Page 29- should be they're.

Sooo... does the second scene take place around 2030? (Since the next scenes have cell phones and DVD's) That's going to be an interesting costume challenge.

Good job so far, can't wait to read the rest.:)
Click to expand...

I think Americans would spell it 'duh' :D

Argh! A couple of those mistakes are typos, my bad. I have the inline spell checker turned off because it tries to tell me different character names aren't words and words that I spell the Aussie/British way aren't correct. And I tend to write in the early hours of the morning, so as you can imagine, my hands just kinda flop about and my brain goes at a completely different speed. I'm sure any one who's ever written anything would agree, it's easy to miss your own mistakes sometimes. So yeah, thanks for pointing those out :)

I suppose people automatically assume what we see in the present is our present (2011) which would make the past a lot more into the past than I intended. Again, that's another thing I probably wouldn't have picked up on. I'm thinking the way to get around this is to make the older Hennley and Hogan younger. Not set it so far into the future of their lives. I dunno. I'll figure it out- just need to sit and think about it for a bit.

Thanks for the feedback and compliments :D <3 It is very much appreciated
 
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Okay, I finally got to read this. (started a new job) First, I want to pay you the highest compliment. From your dialogue, I knew this was your work. I base this on what I've gleaned of your personality through your posts. IMO, you're starting your career with a key component (in place) towards defining your personal aesthetic. So, I really have to say congratulations on that accomplishment, alone. As noted above, there are grammatical and continuity things to address, but nothing a number of good editing sessions can't remedy.

Nick has really hit some of the nails on the head, so I won't reiterate. I know this is a first draft and you'll probably discover that some scenes can be eliminated or combined/condensed with others. Here's my thoughts on these pages in this regards: I don't think you need the first scene (prologue) of the young Hennley and Echo. Opening with middle-age Hennley receiving the letter then moving into the flashback sequence wouldn't be as confusing. I also think that flashback sequence could start with the party, the first imagery (after Hennley handling Echo's posthumus letter) we see being Echo's face. Much of the cool banter you have during Mall/Skateboard scene could be exchanged during party as Hennley is introduced to these ancillary characters. (love all the band names you generated. lol I was wondering, WhoTF is Monkey Head Cocktail, silly younguns.)

I think the chat between Kaitlyn and Hennley during the 'Run down Suburban Street' (the parts where Kaitlyn alludes to Echo's problems) scene could happen the next day after the party...Kaitlyn would not know that Hennley and Echo had already slept together thus making Kaitlyn's line, "We've known each other for like, ten years. I know exactly what you're thinking, and my advice is, 'don't get involved with him'." ,much more profound, especially if Hennley were to answer, "I already am".

I think playing with switching scenes would be a major help with suspense. Have you tried that old trick, one scene per index card and then shuffle, experiment? It really is a fun and concrete way to *see* the many ways an act can resolve. :)

I also like the dynamic you're setting up with the older sister, as well.

Really well done, ICH! When I think of the crap I wrote on my first venture.....:seeya:
 
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bird said:
Okay, I finally got to read this. (started a new job) First, I want to pay you the highest compliment. From your dialogue, I knew this was your work. I base this on what I've gleaned of your personality through your posts. IMO, you're starting your career with a key component (in place) towards defining your personal aesthetic. So, I really have to say congratulations on that accomplishment, alone. As noted above, there are grammatical and continuity things to address, but nothing a number of good editing sessions can't remedy.

Nick has really hit some of the nails on the head, so I won't reiterate. I know this is a first draft and you'll probably discover that some scenes can be eliminated or combined/condensed with others. Here's my thoughts on these pages in this regards: I don't think you need the first scene (prologue) of the young Hennley and Echo. Opening with middle-age Hennley receiving the letter then moving into the flashback sequence wouldn't be as confusing. I also think that flashback sequence could start with the party, the first imagery (after Hennley handling Echo's posthumus letter) we see being Echo's face. Much of the cool banter you have during Mall/Skateboard scene could be exchanged during party as Hennley is introduced to these ancillary characters. (love all the band names you generated. lol I was wondering, WhoTF is Monkey Head Cocktail, silly younguns.)

I think the chat between Kaitlyn and Hennley during the 'Run down Suburban Street' (the parts where Kaitlyn alludes to Echo's problems) scene could happen the next day after the party...Kaitlyn would not know that Hennley and Echo had already slept together thus making Kaitlyn's line, "We've known each other for like, ten years. I know exactly what you're thinking, and my advice is, 'don't get involved with him'." ,much more profound, especially if Hennley were to answer, "I already am".

I think playing with switching scenes would be a major help with suspense. Have you tried that old trick, one scene per index card and then shuffle, experiment? It really is a fun and concrete way to *see* the many ways an act can resolve. :)

I also like the dynamic you're setting up with the older sister, as well.

Really well done, ICH! When I think of the crap I wrote on my first venture.....:seeya:
Click to expand...

Thank you so much :D <3

I like the idea of combining those scenes, I can see that working a lot better. I'll see what I can do when I get into it next.

That index card thing could be useful too, I'll have to give it a try.

Lol, you should see the short stories I used to write. Urgh.

Thanks again >.<
 
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