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How is this script for a short film project?

H

harmonica44

Basically for a short film project, I thought I would shoot and direct just one scene from a larger script, as practice. But how is the scene on it's own, for practice to attract others to want to make as well?


INT. PUB -- DAY

Sheila plays pool with two of the gang members. A WAITRESS comes
over with a tray of drinks, as she hits a ball in the pocket.
But they remain serious while playing.

WAITRESS
Here you go, hon.
She tries to hand a drink to Sheila. She doesn't accept.

SHEILA
I didn't order anything.

WAITRESS
It's just soda. It's from the
genetlemen over there.

The waitress points out Guy, across the room. Sheila sees
him comes over.

She turns away and heads for the bar, before Guy can speak --
He goes after her --

GUY
I just need to get your statement...Please.

Sheila signals to the bartender, but she is busy -- Sheila
walks away, to the exit. He walks ahead of her.

SHEILA
Let me guess... They sent you because
they think that since you rescued me
that I feel like talking to you more?

GUY
Something like that. Look, I know
you don't want to relive what
happened, but you seem to be taking
it better now. It would really help
if you come in and give a statement.

SHEILA
(interrupts)
What do you expect me to do, go on
being traumatized and depressed? I
have nothing to say to you. I told
you people already, I'm not
testifying.

She tries to walk around him but he blocks her.

GUY
Alright, look, if you don't give me
statement, we can subpoena you to
testify before a preliminary hearing.
So you might as well.

The two gang members observe in concern. Gang Member 1 comes
over to her.

GANG MEMBER 1
Why don't you leave her alone. Hasn't
she been through enough?
Guy ignores him and gestures for her to walk outside.

Sheila walks ahead of him, and he follows, unproud... The two gang members look at each other, concerned.



What do you think?
 
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It's fine but can be great.

'Guy' character looks a little weak. He didn't say something special that may convince Sheila to testify. You should work on that giving him some better dialogues. Good Luck.
 
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AcousticAl said:
I think you're in film school now and you have a documentary assignment. You need to set this stuff aside and focus on school and its assignments.
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Yeah but I still want to shoot some scenes on my own as practice as well, plus I have access to the school's equipment now for such things.

alex ma whitmer said:
Too much pronoun confusion to follow which she is she, her and he.

And this ...

SHEILA
(interrupts)

She didn't interupt. Guy was finished as far as I could tell.


Poor dialogue all around. I'd skip this.

a
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When you are confused betweeen she is she, and he is he, how is that exactly?

Manishzez said:
'Guy' character looks a little weak. He didn't say something special that may convince Sheila to testify. You should work on that giving him some better dialogues. Good Luck.
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Okay thanks, I wanted to keep the dialogue short, but if should say more to convince her, I will write more. Thanks.

I was told by others that dialogue is my weakness as well. Is there anything I can do to improve the dialogue? I tried writing it more poetic before, and less on the nose, but then people said it was too poetic, to the point where it was unrealistic. So does anyone have any tips on where to draw the line between too poetic, and too on the nose?
 
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If doesn't matter if we are confused by he or she, this is for you to shoot, so since YOU get it, shoot it!

harmonica44 said:
Yeah but I still want to shoot some scenes on my own as practice
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GREAT! Get busy stop asking. Dialog doesn't even matter, this is practice. You just said it, so don't come back and say "Okay thanks, but..." PLEASE don't.
 
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There is nothing to be confused about.

When h44 writes, “...as she hits ball” it's clear that she
is Sheila who is playing pool.

When h44 writes, “Sheila see him come over.” it's clear
“him” is the guy the waitress points out.

Yes, “Sheila signals to the bartender, but she is busy -- Sheila
walks away, to the exit. He walks ahead of her.” is not
well written but “she” is the bartender, “he” is GUY and “her”
is Shelia.

None of that matters to the shooting because Ryan will be
making this (we all hope) so there is no reason to skip this
as a practice project. Putting together a small crew, a few
actors and the location is MUCH more important at this stage
than a little pronoun confusion.

Make this Ryan. Do not get paralyzed with doubt because a few
people don't understand. Make this short piece!
 
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Most of your advice, alex, is personal style – not format advice.

Using “A WAITRESS” is fine. I use this all the time. A cop, a bartender, a
teacher.

Age and appearance are not essential unless they are. In other words if the
age of the character is essential to the story then it needs to be included. In
this case it doesn't matter if the waitress is 23 or 53. She's in a pub so no
one is going to wonder if she is 10 years old. This goes for all the characters.
Shelia is in a pub so unless the story is about an underage girl then her age
isn't important. She could be 23 or 33. Not essential. I respect that it is your,
personal choice to include age and appearance but it is not necessary. Unless
it's essential to the story that she be short or blond it doesn't need to be in
the screenplay.

“WAITRESS delivers drinks.” may be your personal style. But it is not necessarily
proper format. It's not improper, but it's a personal choice rather than format
advice. To me that's far to cold. A writer can paint a picture with words. Your
three words tell the reader nothing. Yes, it matters how the waitress is carrying
the drinks. Yes it matters if she is using a tray or not.

Again, I respect YOUR personal economy of words style. Ryan's wording is a bit
clunky and could be improved upon, but your style is too sparse and unengaging
for my tastes. And that's all it is; personal taste.
 
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Oh okay thanks. Well in order to shoot it, I will need to sell it to actors first, so I thought I would improve the writing to get actors interested.

I guess maybe I am being too descriptive, when I saw the waitress is carrying a tray of drinks, rather than saying she brings drinks over, for example.

I can reword it and try not to have so much description, if that helps. And I can write so that Guy tries to convince Sheila more.
 
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I have worked with MANY students over the years, and from all over the world. Those who took the extra time to cast the project with the best possible candidates for roles upped their chances of a better-than-averge student film. No gaurantee, of course. Even the big houses screw up casting.

Learning to do casting is as important as learning to pick your shots, learning to edit, and learning to direct, write, choose costumes, lighting and sound, etc. It's all part of the whole.

ya gotta aim high when casting!
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I love your enthusiasm and energy. In this case, within the context of h44, getting him off the forum and shooting is aiming high. Everything he reads gets turned from a molehill into an excuse to delay shooting for a couple more weeks. Giving h44 this advice means getting him to shoot is no longer aiming high, you're potentially the reason he'll get to 9 years before shooting his 3rd film. You may just have sidetracked the poor kid into shooting for the moon.

I know you mean well, and I do say your advice is spot on for a normal human being with some talent and common sense, it's wrong within the h44 context.

Another thought on appearance and age.
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I cannot stop laughing. At this rate of data dumping, h44 might not shoot until after he finishes film school. A waste of $10k+
 
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