Lots of spelling, grammar and formatting errors. The characters don't feel real or believable. The situation is odd and unbelievable. I have to say the dialogue was rather on the nose. Lots of little things stand out.
Code:
EXT. HIGHWAY GAS STATION -- OUTSIDE VANCOUVER, CANADA -- DAY
CONSTABLE TYLER LAMONT, 30, of the Vancouver police force,
is a handsome young man of average build.
He's off duty, and filling up his civilian car, leaning
against it, in wait... He hears a dispatcher make an
announcement, from the radio, on his car seat, through the
open window.
Is he in his police uniform? How would the viewer know he's on the Vancouver police force if he's off duty? You don't need to say 'young man' since you gave his age. You need to describe what the audience sees. If he's a police officer you need to introduce that fact. He could be a citizen who listens to the police band. So it would be better to write what the audience sees:
Code:
EXT. HIGHWAY GAS STATION (VANCOUVER, CAN.) - DAY
TYLER LAMONT (30s), handsome and average build in casual
attire leans against his car as the tank fills. The chatter of the
police dispatcher comes from the radio lying on the front seat.
As the gallons tick by, Tyler makes frequent glances at the
lodge on the mountain where he sees a man patrolling.
If you want to emphasize he's an off duty officer, you could have some uniform or police paraphernalia lying beside the radio. When you change perspective, you need a new slugline to indicate a change of location. So when you switch to GANG #3 patrolling at the lodge, that becomes a new slugline, "EXT. LODGE - DAY".
Lots of newbie problems follow:
Code:
INT. LIVING ROOM -- LODGE -- CONTINUOUS
MANNING, 25, is sitting in a chair, leaning forward with his
hands folded...
LEO HENDERSON, 55, is sitting walking in circles behind him,
waiting...
They are both dressed in all black, while wearing ski masks,
rolled up above their faces. Manning's nervous and feels
just wrong being there.
Unlearn whatever you learned about double dashes. Just use one dash. Also, only use continuous when moving between rooms and indicate when that happens. In this instance, it would be better just to start off in the bedroom or if this is a one room lodge, just use that. You always need a time indicator. Continuous is for space, not time. Best to place your descriptive stuff after the slugline, who is in the scene and scene description. Personal descriptions you can lump with your characters.
Better:
Code:
INT. LODGE, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Two men dressed in all black wear ski masks rolled just above
their faces. A woman's muffled screams are heard from the
back room.
MANNING (25) sits in a chair, leaning forward with his hands
folded. He rocks and makes it obvious he would rather be
any place but here.
LEO HENDERSON (55) walks in circles behind him.
If this is a single room lodge, just state "LODGE". In this case, I'd also include information about the camera equipment and the other men in the room.
However, this is where the story begins to go askew. Now you introduce a rape scene. Why is the clock ticking? She's tied to the bed and not going anywhere. There are four guys in masks standing around waiting on Manning. They want to videotape it. This doesn't make sense. The guys are making a bad porn video? Is one of them going to be holding the boom?
What was the purpose of the conversation in the gas station? It revealed nothing.
Code:
INT. GAS STATION -- DAY
Tyler is next in line at the counter --
CASHIER
How goes it?
TYLER
Good, you?
CASHIER
Good.
TYLER
(shows his badge)
Look, you see that lodge on the
mountain today, with the parked cars
over there? Do you know if there
was a man out before?
CASHIER
No, I didn't really look on my way
in.
TYLER
Yeah, that's understandable. I was
just wondering.
(hands him his credit card)
Thanks.
Don't use parentheticals to show major actions, use action lines. Don't use dialogue to just small talk. Dialogue must be purposeful and advance the story. If this were cut, nothing would be different. You need to make it meaningful.
Code:
INT. GAS STATION -- DAY
Tyler checks out at the counter. He returns the cashier's smile
as he sets a bottle of soda on the counter.
CASHIER
How goes it? That'll be $27.83.
Tyler nods and reaches back for his wallet.
TYLER
Lotta cars at the lodge today.
Cashier glances about and leans in.
CASHIER
Stag party. One of the guys came
in and bought beer and condoms.
He winks and nods. Tyler hands him his credit card which
the cashier takes and runs.
Tyler glances up at a surveillance camera then through the
window towards the mountain.
This is more meaningful because information is exchanged. If one of the guys came in, now Tyler knows that one of the guys may be on surveillance footage. No flashing of badges needed. Dialogue is brief and relevant.
Unfortunately, after that the rest of the story just gets goofy. It's still not clear what's happening. It feels rather unbelievable. Starting page three, it just starts to unravel. Splashing bleach around doesn't help. At this point they've left so much forensic evidence that running off will not help. Used condoms can be recovered. They probably leaked when removed. There is hair evidence. There will be fingerprint evidence. There will be shoe prints, tire tracks, etc. Who rented/owns the lodge? What about the camera equipment? It's not clear why they would suspect Manning just because he can't get an erection.
Then they get quiet when Tyler knocks on the door though they have all their cars out front. Let's act guilty of something. If Henderson had answered the door, this situation would be more interesting. Why, if they were winning, didn't they just knock out Tyler and tie him up too? Then they could clean up and make their escape. Why leave Sheila? Nobody thought to take his gun? How was she tied to the bed that she can be moved so easily? Why isn't she flailing and trying to escape once freed? Why didn't Tyler, when he first drove up, record all the license plates so he could call them in? Why didn't he let the air out of their tires? Why didn't he first case the lodge for unobserved entry? Why not call for back up? Why did the goon who was supposed to be the sentry abandon his position instead of doing his job? Lots of wasted opportunities and poor decisions. I mean they don't even lock the effin front door?! I mean, he's down. They got his gun. It's one guy. Unfortunately, I'm not sure this translates to the gang being mentally incompetent as much as poor writing from the audience's perspective.
And then back to formatting, the action sequence on pages 4 & 5 are wrong. LOSE the CONTINUOUS. You are using it incorrectly. Lose the double dashes. Again, incorrect. The dialogue is so cliche--"We gotta get outta here" and "Get to your cars." The first five pages did not capture my interest as a viewer. The story feels very unbelievable as I said. Because of the rather superficial way you handle the characters and dialogue, there is little interest in following them.
Tyler does the actions but without any real personality. Being young, handsome and an off-duty police officer is not enough to like him. Since he's going into a potentially dangerous situation, he'd want to take precautions. Second, the criminals seem lame and very, well, unbelievable--"It's okay, son, you can rape her. She deserves it." What a stupid 'pep talk'! This is a challenging beginning that will get all sorts of outrage from audiences. You need to create a compelling reason why they're doing this to her.
As it is written, this would not fly by any professional readers. Storywise, the first five pages are not interesting and, worse, are insulting to the audience. A cardboard incompetent cop with cardboard incompetent villains. A rather offensive attempted rape. To proceed as you've suggested in your other threads, would be absurd.
This is a cut-and-dry case. You've dumped a living victim with enough physical evidence to convict them of physical and sexual assault, kidnapping, etc. In the United States, the prosecution does not require a victim's consent to press charges in many violent crimes. Assuming that in your next sequence they are arrested but found not guilty, I think you'll have a hard time getting back your audience. It feels too contrived, hence unbelievable.
