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First scene of big dialogue: critique please

rawfootage

rawfootage

I am writing a screenplay and have come to my first scene that's mostly dependent on dialogue. This is not my first time writing dialogue, but my first doing it for a visual interpretation. I know I need to take into account being realistic and also not being too shallow. This is the first draft of the scene, I was hoping to get some critique from more experienced writers.
Thanks for your time!

EDIT: LET'S ESTABLISH THAT THIS IS TERRIBLE. IT IS A SKELETON. I am looking for suggestions that would help make this better for its purpose.

Context: guy is protagonist, he is doing a dope delivery to his friend's friend's crash because he needs the money to pay for the medicine for his ill dog.

EDIT 2: second draft. thanks to Birdman for some phrases.

Code: 
          CUT TO: EXT. HOUSE                                               
                                                                           
          GUY is wearing thick backpack walks up and knocks on door.       
          punk GIRL with sharp blonde and purple hair opens the door.      
          she has a disinterested look on her face and is smacking on      
          gum.                                                             
                                                                           
                              GIRL                                         
                    what do you want.                                      
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    [uneasily] uh, im here to...make a                     
                    delivery.                                              
                                                                           
          GIRL looks him up and down and eases her tension a little        
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    frankie sent me.                                       
                                                                           
          GIRL pauses to asses.                                            
                                                                           
                              GIRL                                         
                    anybody follow you.                                    
                                                                           
          GUY shakes his head. GIRL jerks hers.                            
                                                                           
                              GIRL                                         
                    get in.                                                
                                                                           
          GUY enters house. its a party house, chaos. music blaring,       
          empty cans everywhere, people smoking, littered with             
          clothes, couches are all worn and dirty, whole place is a        
          mess. GIRL leads GUY thru mess and down a set of stairs. at      
          the bottom of the stairs, she takes him thru a concrete          
          floor open room, with one couch and a drumset, just before       
          the entrance of a boarding room. GIRL shouts into room.          
                                                                           
                              GIRL                                         
                    delores!                                               
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    what?                                                  
                                                                           
                              GIRL                                         
                    you got a package.                                     
                                                                           
          GIRL turns away from the door and tells GUY to go in. she        
          leaves him to the room. it’s probably the cleanest room in       
          the house, but it’s not pristine. there’s two mattresses         
          stacked on top of each other in the middle of the room.          
          concert posters haphazardly line the walls, the walls which      
          are stained here and there, the most notable one being a         
          large smashed spider. some blood stains on the carpet floor,     
          as well as clothes and miscellaneous pipes. DELORES is           
          wrestling with something in her drawer.                          
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    pardon the mess.                                       
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    you mean the house?                                    
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    yes, the people here are a bit...                      
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    cracked?                                               
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    well youre just full of it aren’t                      
                    you?                                                   
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    hides the fact im bone terrified                       
                    right now.                                             
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    don’t be. you can just set it by                       
                    the bed.                                               
                                                                           
          guy sets backpack down at the foot of the mattresses.            
          DELORES is still struggling with the drawer.                     
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    wanna help me out?                                     
                                                                           
          guy walks over and looks at the situation.                       
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    [straining] it won’t open. there’s                     
                    something sticking up inside, it’s                     
                    like, jamming up against the edge.                     
                                                                           
          guy reaches inside past delores and fumbles with a book. he      
          pulls at the same time. the drawer abruptly jerks open and       
          the guy and delores fly back with it and its contents.           
          DELORES slightly laughs, picks up stack of money from            
          amongst scattered contents.                                      
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    what am I out? six?                                    
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    uh, five.                                              
                                                                           
          DELORES hands him the money. Guy gets up and counts it. 
                                             
                              GUY                                          
                    this is six.                                           
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    consider it hazard pay.                                
                                                                           
          GUY shuffles.                                                    
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    what’s that scar on your lip?                          
                                                                           
          GUY sniffles, refuses to look at DELORES.                        
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    smoke heavy?                                           
                                                                           
          GUY galnces at her reluctantly.                                  
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    ha, I do fucking coke, you think I                     
                    give a shit if you ash bones?                          
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    it’s not something im proud of.                        
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    you wanna talk about pride?                            
                                                                           
          GUY looks down.                                                  
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    i am proud of it. im ashamed im                        
                    proud of it.                                           
                                                                           
          Shuffles. DELORES unpacks case from backpack.                    
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    first time with this kinda shit?                       
                                                                           
          GUY still looking down                                           
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    yeah.                                                  
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    watch yourself. you’re treading                        
                    lethal waters. this business will                      
                    suck you in, make you fucking                          
                    immortal. or make you feel that way                    
                    at least.                                              
                                                                           
          GUY lights a cig.                                                
                                              
                              GUY                                          
                    better pray to fucking abraxas                         
                    then.                                                  
                                                                           
          GUY starts getting nosebleed.                                    
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    oh shit, your nose.                                    
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    its fine. shit. its fine.                              
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    just-- just put your face--                            
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    its fine, its cool. it happens,                        
                    its--                                                  
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    right on the carpet--                                  
                                                                           
          GUY laughs. DELORES laughs with him.                             
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    itll blend right in.                                   
                                                                           
          nosebleed gets worse.                                            
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    fuck... ill be fine. i gotta go.                       
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    well shit. alright, get outta here.                    
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    yeah, um. shit. okay, we good?                         
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    yeah, the shits clean. just... go,                     
                    get yourself taken care.                               
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    fucking... shit, okay. um...                           
                    alright, bye.                                          
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    yeah.                                                  
                                                                           
          GUY starts to leave, cautious with all the blood pouring out     
          his nasal cavity. DELORES stops him.                             
                                             
                              DELORES                                      
                    say hi to the devil for me.                            
                                                                           
          GUY pauses.                                                      
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    yeah.                                                  
                                                                           
          exits.
 
Last edited:
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The format is .. completely wrong.

Aside from that, WAY too many parentheticals. You're directing from the script, that's a no-no.

Describing how a character feels, "slightly taken aback by the use of the word" and things like this: "just as messy as the living room and smells horrible" are not only unnecessary, but wrong.

I can't smell a movie. ;)
 
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Will Vincent said:
The format is .. completely wrong.
..and things like this: "just as messy as the living room and smells horrible" are not only unnecessary, but wrong.

I can't smell a movie. ;)
Click to expand...

Actually, you're being rather nice. ...Although they did have "Smell-o-Vision" at one time. :bang:


"Smell-O-Vision did not work as intended. According to Variety, aromas were released with a distracting hissing noise and audience members in the balcony complained that the scents reached them several seconds after the action was shown on the screen. In other parts of the theater, the odors were too faint, causing audience members to sniff loudly in an attempt to catch the scent. These technical problems were mostly corrected after the first few showings, but the poor word of mouth, in conjunction with generally negative reviews of the film itself, signaled the end of Smell-O-Vision.[3] A 2000 Time reader survey listed Smell-O-Vision in the "Top 100 Worst Ideas of All Time""


-Birdman
 
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BMan, you've seen me do it with WalterB's story, how 'bout you give this a crack at formating it properly?

I find it easiest to set it up in MS Notepad.
Three tabs for characters.
Two tabs for dialog.
To the center of the character doubled for the return on action lines.
Select all, copy, paste in a code tag here.
Done.
Easy as π.
 
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This was done in notepad.

As for formatting, I kinda just started writing. I've read scripts before, but I've never studied the formula of formatting. I just felt if I get mechanical about it, the writing will seem the same, and not as plot adherent (that may not be the word I'm looking for). I'm new to this style of writing, so sorry if doing this completely knuckleheaded is taboo.

Smell was to add to the scene, and also give a direction to the actor on how it's supposed to look like he takes to the place.

I take it I should show that by exposition? Like: [guy LOOKS AS IF he's taken aback by... ]
 
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That's supposed to be satirical cuz gammar is arbitrary [lawl].

And that's what I was afraid of. I know it's terrible, I'm looking for HALP. The scene's supposed to establish a connection between delores and the guy and also solve a problem for the guy. What I'm looking for is ways you people see that this could be improved. Certain words that can be used, how to moreso establish a connection between the two while still being extremely passive about it, maybe completely change the situation into a more interactive one, ect. THIS IS BAD, THIS IS VERY BAD, LET'S ESTABLISH THAT. What i would like is suggestions [if you all feel so inclined].
 
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rayw said:
BMan, you've seen me do it with WalterB's story, how 'bout you give this a crack at formating it properly?
Click to expand...

Code: 
FADE IN:

I/E.  CITY HOUSE - DAY

RAYMOND is a college-aged rocker with thick dreads, "Foo Fighters" shirt and a
thrift store backpack.   He knocks at the door.  RAVEN, a scantily-clad Pink-wannabe
with purple hair and too many piercings answers.   A chain lock splits their encounter.

			RAVEN
		Yeah?

			RAYMOD
		I got your shit.

			RAVEN
		You a cop?

			RAYMOND
		Frankie sent me.

Raven scanning the street for onlookers.

			RAVEN
		Sure you weren't followed?

Raymond nods.

			RAVEN (CONT'D)
		C'mon.

INT.  CITY HOUSE - DAY

Raymond enters party central.   Raven guides him through a myriad of messiness.
Traveling down steps, passing a drum set to a boarding room. 


INT.  CITY HOUSE/BOARDING ROOM - DAY

A sultry, stacked-n-packed DELORES wrestles with a dresser drawer. 

			DELORES
		Sorry about the mess.

			RAYMOND
		Mess?  Hell, this place makes a crack house
		look good.

			DELORES 
		   (laughing)
		Smart ass.

Raymond shuffling on his feet.

			DELORES (CONT'D)
		Why so nervous, kid?

Raymond looking around.

			DELORES (CONT'D)
		Just put it on the bed.

Raymond sets his backpack on the bed.   Keeps it close.   Delores 
struggling with a drawer.

			DELORES (CONT'D)
		Little help?

Raymond reaches in the drawer as Delores pulls.   The drawer breaks
free.   They stumble.   Fat stacks fly from the liberated drawer.

			DELORES (CONT'D)
		So what am I out?  Six?
	
			RAYMOND
		Fi-five.

			DELORES
		Take six.  Consider it hazard pay.

Raymond freezes.   Looking around.

			DELORES (CONT'D)
		Something wrong?

			RAYMOND
		No, man.  I just didn't--

			DELORES
		Didn't think I had so much green?

			RAYMOND
		C'mon, look around.  What would you think?

			DELORES
		Yeah, I'm just full of surprises, ain't I?

They laugh.   Raymond heading for the steps.

			DELORES (CONT'D)
		Tell Frankie I said, "Hey."

Raymond offers a quick nod and scampers up the steps.

...Best I can do on short notice.

-Birdman
 
Last edited:
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Birdman said:
Code: 
FADE IN:

I/E.  CITY HOUSE - DAY

RAYMOND is a college-aged rocker with thick dreads, "Foo Fighters" shirt and a
thrift store backpack.   He knocks at the door.  RAVEN, a scantily-clad Pink-wannabe
with purple hair and too many piercings answers.   A chain lock splits their encounter.

			RAVEN
		Yeah?

			RAYMOD
		I got your shit.

			RAVEN
		You a cop?

			RAYMOND
		Frankie sent me.

Raven scanning the street for onlookers.

			RAVEN
		Sure you weren't followed?

Raymond nods.

			RAVEN
		C'mon.

INT.  CITY HOUSE - DAY

Raymond enters party central.   Raven guides him through a myriad of messiness.
Traveling down steps, passing a drum set to a boarding room. 


INT.  CITY HOUSE/BOARDING ROOM - DAY

A sultry, stacked-n-packed DELORES wrestles with a dresser drawer. 

			DELORES
		Sorry about the mess.

			RAYMOND
		Mess?  Hell, this place makes a crack house
		look good.

			DELORES
		   (laughing)
		Smart ass.

Raymond shuffling on his feet.

			DELORES
		Why so nervous, kid?

Raymond looking around.

			DELORES
		Just put it on the bed.

Raymond sets his backpack on the bed.   Keeps it close.   Delores 
struggling with a drawer.

			DELORES
		Little help?

Raymond reaches in the drawer as Delores pulls.   The drawer breaks
free.   They stumble.   Fat stacks fly from the liberated drawer.

			DELORES
		So what am I out?  Six?
	
			RAYMOND
		Fi-five.

			DELORES
		Take six.  Consider it hazard pay.

Raymond freezes.   Looking around.

			DELORES
		Something wrong?

			RAYMOND
		No, man.  I just didn't--

			DELORES
		Didn't think I had so much green?

			RAYMOND
		C'mon, look around.  What would you think?

			DELORES
		Yeah, I'm just full of surprises, ain't I?

They laugh.   Raymond heading for the steps.

			DELORES
		Tell Frankie I said, "Hey."

Raymond offers a quick nod and scampers up the steps.

...Best I can do on short notice.

-Birdman
Click to expand...

LOL "Raymond". Actually this is great, thank you. This is what I'm looking for.
My notes: overall would like the dialogue to be longer (not you edit, but the desire on my actual script); some great phrases, although some seem a bit superficial and not completely what I would use; I would like to play the pauses more, the whole interaction seems a bit rushed; raymond should be more awkward in his position. Moreso like a mixed anxiety, I imagine him a rough and hardened dude cuz he's seen some sht, but still kind of awkwardly silent and not too forthcoming; narration seems a bit concise.

I mean, that's prolly some really ignorant feedback, but I understand your constraints, I don't expect so much. Great edit though, thank you.
 
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Interesting that you describe this as a scene dependent on dialogue. I'd say the exact opposite: the squalid scene and the character's visible discomfort would convey far more than pointless exposition about how messy the room is or how uncomfortable the guy is feeling. In fact, you could conceivably rewrite this scene without any dialogue at all, or without the nervous guy saying a thing, and it would still be just as (if not more) effective.
 
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maz said:
Interesting that you describe this as a scene dependent on dialogue. I'd say the exact opposite: the squalid scene and the character's visible discomfort would convey far more than pointless exposition about how messy the room is or how uncomfortable the guy is feeling. In fact, you could conceivably rewrite this scene without any dialogue at all, or without the nervous guy saying a thing, and it would still be just as (if not more) effective.
Click to expand...

I want to put through this guy's environment. It's completely uncivilized. At the same time, I think that a good, thoughtful running dialogue would set up a strong bond between the guy and delores, as she is to be a recurring character. What's there is just skeleton.
 
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rawfootage said:
This was done in notepad.

As for formatting, I kinda just started writing. I've read scripts before, but I've never studied the formula of formatting. I just felt if I get mechanical about it, the writing will seem the same, and not as plot adherent (that may not be the word I'm looking for).
Click to expand...
You are aware that there are several free options for screenwriting software, yes?
 
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rawfootage said:
I honestly couldn't care less about formatting.

Again, I didn't come here to get ridiculed on my syntax. Could we please focus on content.
Click to expand...

If you want people to focus on content, you are kind of obligated to at least meet the basic requirements of format, so it's readable... ;)

And believe me.. I'm not ridiculing you.
 
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rawfootage said:
I honestly couldn't care less about formatting.

Again, I didn't come here to get ridiculed on my syntax. Could we please focus on content.
Click to expand...

Like it or not, it's very distracting to have bad formatting.
One of my friends tried to get me to read his script, everything was written in the past tense and it drove me nuts. completely distracted me from the story and yet the rest of his formatting was correct.

Perhaps that is my own shortcoming, but this is something you need to keep in mind. It's like filming a crappy movie on an old camera with no lighting and shitty sound and telling people why can't we just focus on content. it's distracting, your audience can't help it.

also if you want people to take the time and give meaningful feedback, it is the polite thing to do for you to at least put the time in to format it correctly
 
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sfoster said:
Like it or not, it's very distracting to have bad formatting.
One of my friends tried to get me to read his script, everything was written in the past tense and it drove me nuts.
Click to expand...

I had a similar, but opposite, experience with a friend's book. The whole thing was written in present tense.. it was weird. :lol:
 
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