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First scene of big dialogue: critique please

rawfootage

rawfootage

I am writing a screenplay and have come to my first scene that's mostly dependent on dialogue. This is not my first time writing dialogue, but my first doing it for a visual interpretation. I know I need to take into account being realistic and also not being too shallow. This is the first draft of the scene, I was hoping to get some critique from more experienced writers.
Thanks for your time!

EDIT: LET'S ESTABLISH THAT THIS IS TERRIBLE. IT IS A SKELETON. I am looking for suggestions that would help make this better for its purpose.

Context: guy is protagonist, he is doing a dope delivery to his friend's friend's crash because he needs the money to pay for the medicine for his ill dog.

EDIT 2: second draft. thanks to Birdman for some phrases.

Code: 
          CUT TO: EXT. HOUSE                                               
                                                                           
          GUY is wearing thick backpack walks up and knocks on door.       
          punk GIRL with sharp blonde and purple hair opens the door.      
          she has a disinterested look on her face and is smacking on      
          gum.                                                             
                                                                           
                              GIRL                                         
                    what do you want.                                      
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    [uneasily] uh, im here to...make a                     
                    delivery.                                              
                                                                           
          GIRL looks him up and down and eases her tension a little        
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    frankie sent me.                                       
                                                                           
          GIRL pauses to asses.                                            
                                                                           
                              GIRL                                         
                    anybody follow you.                                    
                                                                           
          GUY shakes his head. GIRL jerks hers.                            
                                                                           
                              GIRL                                         
                    get in.                                                
                                                                           
          GUY enters house. its a party house, chaos. music blaring,       
          empty cans everywhere, people smoking, littered with             
          clothes, couches are all worn and dirty, whole place is a        
          mess. GIRL leads GUY thru mess and down a set of stairs. at      
          the bottom of the stairs, she takes him thru a concrete          
          floor open room, with one couch and a drumset, just before       
          the entrance of a boarding room. GIRL shouts into room.          
                                                                           
                              GIRL                                         
                    delores!                                               
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    what?                                                  
                                                                           
                              GIRL                                         
                    you got a package.                                     
                                                                           
          GIRL turns away from the door and tells GUY to go in. she        
          leaves him to the room. it’s probably the cleanest room in       
          the house, but it’s not pristine. there’s two mattresses         
          stacked on top of each other in the middle of the room.          
          concert posters haphazardly line the walls, the walls which      
          are stained here and there, the most notable one being a         
          large smashed spider. some blood stains on the carpet floor,     
          as well as clothes and miscellaneous pipes. DELORES is           
          wrestling with something in her drawer.                          
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    pardon the mess.                                       
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    you mean the house?                                    
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    yes, the people here are a bit...                      
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    cracked?                                               
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    well youre just full of it aren’t                      
                    you?                                                   
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    hides the fact im bone terrified                       
                    right now.                                             
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    don’t be. you can just set it by                       
                    the bed.                                               
                                                                           
          guy sets backpack down at the foot of the mattresses.            
          DELORES is still struggling with the drawer.                     
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    wanna help me out?                                     
                                                                           
          guy walks over and looks at the situation.                       
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    [straining] it won’t open. there’s                     
                    something sticking up inside, it’s                     
                    like, jamming up against the edge.                     
                                                                           
          guy reaches inside past delores and fumbles with a book. he      
          pulls at the same time. the drawer abruptly jerks open and       
          the guy and delores fly back with it and its contents.           
          DELORES slightly laughs, picks up stack of money from            
          amongst scattered contents.                                      
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    what am I out? six?                                    
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    uh, five.                                              
                                                                           
          DELORES hands him the money. Guy gets up and counts it. 
                                             
                              GUY                                          
                    this is six.                                           
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    consider it hazard pay.                                
                                                                           
          GUY shuffles.                                                    
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    what’s that scar on your lip?                          
                                                                           
          GUY sniffles, refuses to look at DELORES.                        
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    smoke heavy?                                           
                                                                           
          GUY galnces at her reluctantly.                                  
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    ha, I do fucking coke, you think I                     
                    give a shit if you ash bones?                          
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    it’s not something im proud of.                        
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    you wanna talk about pride?                            
                                                                           
          GUY looks down.                                                  
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    i am proud of it. im ashamed im                        
                    proud of it.                                           
                                                                           
          Shuffles. DELORES unpacks case from backpack.                    
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    first time with this kinda shit?                       
                                                                           
          GUY still looking down                                           
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    yeah.                                                  
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    watch yourself. you’re treading                        
                    lethal waters. this business will                      
                    suck you in, make you fucking                          
                    immortal. or make you feel that way                    
                    at least.                                              
                                                                           
          GUY lights a cig.                                                
                                              
                              GUY                                          
                    better pray to fucking abraxas                         
                    then.                                                  
                                                                           
          GUY starts getting nosebleed.                                    
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    oh shit, your nose.                                    
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    its fine. shit. its fine.                              
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    just-- just put your face--                            
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    its fine, its cool. it happens,                        
                    its--                                                  
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    right on the carpet--                                  
                                                                           
          GUY laughs. DELORES laughs with him.                             
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    itll blend right in.                                   
                                                                           
          nosebleed gets worse.                                            
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    fuck... ill be fine. i gotta go.                       
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    well shit. alright, get outta here.                    
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    yeah, um. shit. okay, we good?                         
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    yeah, the shits clean. just... go,                     
                    get yourself taken care.                               
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    fucking... shit, okay. um...                           
                    alright, bye.                                          
                                                                           
                              DELORES                                      
                    yeah.                                                  
                                                                           
          GUY starts to leave, cautious with all the blood pouring out     
          his nasal cavity. DELORES stops him.                             
                                             
                              DELORES                                      
                    say hi to the devil for me.                            
                                                                           
          GUY pauses.                                                      
                                                                           
                              GUY                                          
                    yeah.                                                  
                                                                           
          exits.
 
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Will Vincent said:
Ultimately, that's for the director -- and the actor(s) -- to decide, not the writer. No need to junk up the screenplay with a bunch of (beat) parentheticals and whatnot.
Click to expand...

Oh, no monkey with a camcorder is touching my script. I am judge, jury, and executioner of this film. Actors I understand. But I'm not planning on selling this crp; I'm looking to maybe get a couple friends together and film it with them. I doubt they've ever seen a screenplay before, and if they have I think the least of their worries is formatting, as is for me.

sfoster said:
Like it or not, it's very distracting to have bad formatting.
One of my friends tried to get me to read his script, everything was written in the past tense and it drove me nuts. completely distracted me from the story and yet the rest of his formatting was correct.

Perhaps that is my own shortcoming, but this is something you need to keep in mind. It's like filming a crappy movie on an old camera with no lighting and shitty sound and telling people why can't we just focus on content. it's distracting, your audience can't help it.

also if you want people to take the time and give meaningful feedback, it is the polite thing to do for you to at least put the time in to format it correctly
Click to expand...

I do see where you're coming from, although I would go so far as to say this is at the least readable. I think in this skeletal stage, it is possible to focus on content and then format if need be.
 
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sfoster said:
It's like filming a crappy movie on an old camera with no lighting and shitty sound and telling people why can't we just focus on content. it's distracting, your audience can't help it... it is the polite thing to do for you to at least put the time in to format it correctly
Click to expand...
You're such a nice guy, Foster. :yes:

I was thinking it's more like a filthy, shaggy homeless person staggering up to high school cheerleaders, and whippin' out his content from his unzipped pants for comments and remarks.

"Ignore format. Just pay attention to the content, ladies." :lol:

He then twiddles his content and flips it up and down a few times.

"Whaddayathink? Is this good?"

rofl.gif


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Get the 2.9.1 version
 
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rawfootage said:
I just don't wanna spend so much time on formatting that I spend less focus on my ideas, in the fear of them becoming opaque.
Click to expand...

You are completely missing the boat here dude.. with proper screenwriting software (of which there are many free options) YOU don't have to worry about the formatting, the software does it FOR YOU
 
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rawfootage said:
I just don't wanna spend so much time on formatting that I spend less focus on my ideas, in the fear of them becoming opaque.
Click to expand...

...Script writing is just like any other creative media you choose to work in. There is a format that everyone uses. It's all designed to make things go easier during the creative process.

There is a format for a news broadcast.

There is a format for writing a novel.

There is a format for blueprinting a building.

Look at a screenplay like writing code for a computer program. You have to parse everything in a predetermined format or your program won't work.

Now, you asked everyone for feedback on what you wrote. That means everyone has to take the time to read what you wrote. We expend OUR ENERGY AND TIME to read your work. We're putting forth the effort to give you solid feedback ...and your script was not formatted in the way the people in this industry are used to reading film scripts. Do you think it's fair to have us go through all the effort while you choose not to? Isn't it at the very least "fair" to ask that you use a movie script format?

-Birdman

P.S. Now honestly, ...which was the easier read? Your original posts, or the version I did in movie script format?
 
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Birdman said:
Do you think it's fair to have us go through all the effort while you choose not to? Isn't it at the very least "fair" to ask that you use a movie script format?
Click to expand...

Please don't start asking for a just world.

I'm going to start a second draft and post it in "PROPER" format when I get the chance.

P.P.S. to be "FAIR" i did ask for feedback "if you all feel so inclined".
 
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rawfootage said:
Wow. I've been really defensive. Apologies.

The second draft is done (and in format, as I might reluctantly add). Should I just post it as a separate thread?
Click to expand...

Great! Post it in this thread.

This has pretty much been a DEFCOM 5 thread compared to others I've seen. ...You're pretty far from DECOM 1, buddy.

-Birdman
 
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