ZACO – Formatting is hugely important in screenplay writing. Particularly to those who have to then read your work. With an incorrectly formatted script, the reader must put in a lot of effort just to make sense of what is going on. Why should they bother to put that effort in, if you can’t be bothered to put in the effort in to format it correctly? It's not particularly difficult; with a little effort, you could just fix it. If people can't read your script, or don't want to, due to them having to correct all your errors, they can't help you with your story.
Imagine if I asked for feedback on the opening of this novel:
Code:
onceuponatimetherewasapieceofwooditwasnotanexpensivepieceofwoodfarfromitjustacommonblockoffirewoodoneofthosethicksolidlogsthatareputonthefireinwintertomakecoldroomscozyandwarmidonotknowhowthisreallyhappenedyetthefactremainsthatonefinedaythispieceofwoodfounditselfintheshopofanoldcarpenterhisrealnamewasmastroantoniobuteveryonecalledhimmastrocherryforthetipofhisnosewassoroundandredandshinythatitlookedlikearipecherryassoonashesawthatpieceofwoodmastrocherrywasfilledwithjoyrubbinghishandstogetherhappilyhemumbledhalftohimselfthishascomeinthenickoftimeishalluseittomakethelegofatable
Don’t worry about the lack of punctuation; I’m only interested in your opinion of the story. Similar sort of thing.
Still, having said all that, I read your screenplay (which, in no way, was a pleasure (due to the formatting issues and the camera directions)). Here are some things for you to think about:
Your very first scene heading is: EXT. OFF-DUTY POLICE CAR – NIGHT. This establishes that we are outside the police car. That places a lot of emphasis on the police car. I think this would be better as EXT. EDWARDS HOUSE – NIGHT, as you have the scene flow from your establishing shot, to the characters in the car, to the characters exiting the car...
Is Mayfield’s speech about six years on the case, although he’s only been on the force for one, to be played for comic effect? If so, it doesn’t really come across that way. He sounds like an idiot. But this is confusing. Is this a comedy, or a straight drama/thriller? There don’t seem to be any more jokes.
I agree that Connor asking Mayfield why he became an officer is strange. Surely he’d have asked this question before?
When writing a screenplay, you should only ever write what the viewer will see on screen. You tell us, categorically, up front, that Edward is lying and that he killed Julia (and, at this point, I don’t know who Julia is). You should let the reader discover this as a viewer would.
Then, we get to your flashbacks: Firstly, they ought to be separated from the rest of the action lines with a header. Normally, you’d write this as a new scene, so:
FLASHBACK:
EXT. JULIA’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Then add another scene header when we return to present day.
But, irrespective of that, I don’t like the flashbacks. They give the game up too easily. There’s no suspense there. Edward denies the murder, but then we see him committing it. There’s no build up, no tension. Perhaps you should hold back on the flashbacks until the officers begin to give up more details, seemingly triggering the flashback in Edward’s mind.
So, is that it? Is this meant as a short? It feels like a scene from a longer script. If that is it, there’s not much of a story there.
Fix your formatting. It’s the easiest thing for you to do. Read some screenplays. Remove all the camera directions. Just write the story as you see it in your mind. You’ll get much more helpful advice if you put that effort in. When you said you’d fixed your formatting, it seems that all you did was centralise the dialogue. That’s not fixing it. Sort it out.
Good luck.
