Oh, I didn't realise this thread had suddenly received attention.
Thank you for the replies everyone/
I was going to be delicate, but then I read "be as harsh as you like." I'll be harsh but constructive.
- Don't forget to name your script. What am I reading? Who's it written by? How can I get in contact with you if I fucking LOVE this script and want to shoot it? I can't. I don't know who you are. I don't even know what the effing thing is called.
- INT. GARAGE ----- When? Day? Night? Dusk? Dawn?
- When you introduce a character it's all caps with his/her age. "man puts on gloves" should be "a MAN, 50's, puts on gloves."
- Starting with a montage is lazy. Put some effort in. Garages can be wonderful places, full of all kinds of stuff. Sell it to us. Paint us a picture.
This is a script for myself as director -I appreciate the tips for more correct formatting (I was actually aware of better formatting, I was quickly slapping this together and, as you said, being lazy), though I have no intention to take this story much further than a single day of shooting. I will keep the formatting tips in mind though.
As for montage, I will defend that. I don't particularly enjoy montages either - but my intention with this script is a subtle stab at hollywood cliches framed in the context of a light film. If that wasn't clear in my script (I didn't want to spell it out), then I'll take the fall for that.
- "etc" is even lazier. In my book etc stands for End of Thinking Capacity. It just means that you couldn't think of anything else but felt that *something* should have gone there.
- Get rid of the montages already. They aren't montages. They're just things that happen. "Man stirs the paint, takes the paint over the car and paints it" - there's a lot you can do with that. Build some nice imagery! Endear me! Entertain me! Give me a reason to keep reading!
- Give Man a name. I don't care what the name is, Chuck, Stan, Greg, Marko, fucking Julio for all I care. I don't care about a guy called Man. Make it personal. Who is this guy? How old is he? Does he look like my grandpa? Am I going to get a feeling of nostalgia looking at him because he reminds me of the time I spent with my grandpa in the front yard/garage building things? Play on things like that. Make it personal.
Fair call; again this is my own laziness. I know what this will look like in my head, but didn't want to write out "hammers a nail, files an edge [...]" - of course if I was writing for someone else, i would make things a lot clearer. I think I didn't make this obvious enough that this was a much more casual project (I really wanted critique on the actual story and dialogue - but I realise I asked the wrong question for that, sorry about that).
Come on, man. Really? It's as if you're rolling your eyes and going "ugh." at your own script.
That's exactly what I'm doing, it is kind of the intent. Again, if I didn't make that clear, it is a flaw in my story (and this is the most valuable critique)
- Try not to put camera direction {(repeated shot)} in to your script.
Fair call, it is a bad habit, I consciously try not to do it (I didn't even realise I had) - I guess I tend to do it because I am not at all a writer, and am only writing for myself
- If you're going to write FADE OUT halfway through the script, make sure you write FADE IN after wards, otherwise save it for the end.
Yep, my bad there.
- Introduce the nurse properly.
- Introduce the girlfriend properly.
I'd love some suggestions of how to do this in a minute!0
(that sounds passive aggressive, I am genuine though)
I was considering the girlfriend being introduced through a simple cutaway of a photo of him with her (though I hadn't considered this when I wrote the version of the script being critiqued). Nurse would simply be introduced through uniform
- The nurse's dialogue... is she an expert in the quantum mechanics of time and space? Is she actually Steven Hawking in disguise? Is a nurse really going to know all of that stuff or even say it? Nah, probably not. You could fade in on the nurse having to wait outside as a secret government agent or someone similar talks to the Man as he wakes up. You KNOW the government is gonna want that kind of technology. Leave it on a cliff hanger! Those words do not sound right coming out of her mouth. Would they sound right coming out of a secret agent's mouth? Yeah, probably.
Again, this goes with the intent. It's meant to be ridiculous. The actual science behind this is atrocious (i have a background in physics and engineering), it's a stab at hollywood jargon, and the way they give characters way too much knowledge for what they do.
- Don't put parentheticals halfway through dialogue. ESPECIALLY Action. There's no harm in breaking up dialogue to move to an action line. Just for the love of god, don't write (CONT'D).
Okay, this is something I did not know, thank you
- Get rid of (CONTINUED) at the bottom right of the page and CONTINUED: Probably just an auto setting in your software, so it isn't your fault, but it still pisses me off. No shit it's continued. I can effing see that.
I didn't do this intentionally, would never have bothered, Celtx does it automatically. For my purposes and level of work, there is no way in hell I'm buying professional software.
It's mostly just formatting errors and stuff that needs tightening up. I'd watch this and probably enjoy it but you've gotta put some flare in to it!
Hope that didn't come off as too harsh.
It came of as harsh, but I'm not offended, and there was a lot of useful stuff to take from it, so thank you
Also considering the format, the titles of MAN, NURSE and GIRLFRIEND I feel are quite appropriate.
I initially had named the Man, actually, but it seemed wasteful, and his actual character is not so important, hence removing it.
I think you'll have trouble editing this into 1 minute, the dialogue at the end will probably be the easiest to trim, perhaps the shaving scene.
Yeah, I'm worried about this. I have tried trimming the dialogue but am having some trouble. I am considering cutting the girlfriend and nurse out, and having him realise his face is *damaged*, google his condition and explain it that way. (So I can just have him mutter, and show key phrases that give enough explanation).
I also think the film could be started a bit later in (e.g. starting with him being inspired by Speed Zone - though this gives the film a much more basic structure).
Although there is some feeling that only a shooting script should have the CONTINUED etc. in it, I prefer it and it is a generally accepted format. Why would you so vocally insist that it just be removed as a matter of course?
It's also not obvious without going to the next page if continued is necessary or not. Having it means the particular SCENE continues on the next page (not the script), which you'd have to actually look for a new slugline on the next page or not to know. If I were shopping a script around, I might take it out. Otherwise, I always include them.
CraigL
Given my current stature, I am not overly worried by this, but the debate is interesting, and I may look a bit further into this
Thanks for the link
Your formatting does not 100% follow the screenplay formatting rules - you'll find format guides here:
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/watch-your-formatting.php
You must always introduce key characters - here's how (with some great examples)
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/character-intros.php
How to Create Great Characters
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/how-to-create-great-characters.php
John August is a pro screenwriter, he has an excellent site:
http://johnaugust.com/
Thank you for the links, I'll be bookmarking these for sure!
I apologise if I come off as angry, or aggressive. I'm mostly used to brutal critique from people who speak/write in a similar way to how I did above. Most of the critique I posted is what's been said to me before, so I noticed the similarities in my old script and paraphrased it.
Edit: It's also kinda just how I talk.
Hey, it's great to get such critique from someone who's been here before, I'm not offended. Although the phrasing was a bit aggressive, and I could see how such wording to other people may actually be unconstructive.
