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Feedback on script

cheeseandachallenge

cheeseandachallenge

I don't normally ask for advice on scripts, but this is definitely not the sort of story I normally write, so feedback would be helpful. Also, I'm definitely not a writer (it's been about 6 months since I've written due to being really busy with work and study), I write out of necessity. Anywho;

I'm trying to get into a film course, and the co-ordinator recommended that I enter their schools "1 minute massive" (as the name suggests, a one minute film) - which focuses a lot more on the storytelling side of filmmaking, as opposed to good shot composition, editing, etc. This years theme is "too far, too fast". Based on previous years winners, the standard doesn't seem too high, but I obviously want to do the best I can..

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B1cA66qv8T4WMUlWUWZoQ25mcnM/edit?usp=sharing

It's a fairly rough first draft - but as a general idea, do people think it's decent?
Also, the final idea - the dialogue (which admittedly is kind of weak - it is meant to be ridiculous, though) - I'm not sure that it works. It was the initial idea, but after writing it out, it felt a little forced... thoughts?
Finally, as someone who has always struggled with gauging how long a script will become on screen, do you think this can work in one minute without feeling rushed? I think I'll do a 'directors cut' for myself, as I know I will be cutting stuff out that I'd like to keep, but for the competition, I'll obviously need to trim it down...


Thanks for any help - be as harsh as you like (I'm not a huge fan of the script, but my other ideas around the theme haven't worked as of yet)
 
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alexjrdurham said:
Thanks guys. Apologies or getting us off on the wrong foot.

The reason I try and give a strong opinion is I used to send scripts to friends and they'd say "mate, that's so good!" and stuff like that. Need less to say it got very embarrassing when I sent an under par script around to other people and it got ripped to shreds haha.

Sort of a "cruel to be kind" type thing.
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Just for the record here, cruel to be kind, I can deal with, we're all here to get better. If you read around here, you'll see very little pandering going on. But the one post to me sounded like it was going a bit deep into the "making fun of" realm, which is an altogether different thing.

And yeah, I've pretty much stopped involving my friends for the same reason. You too often either get unwarranted compliments, or just a shrug when you ask what they didn't like.

Things can get heated 'round here, but they tend to cool off fairly quickly.

CraigL
 
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I won't comment on any technicalities of the script, simply because I enjoyed it. It is very visual and has nice feel to it. The ending might be a bit better - the montage pace is abruptly stopped and put into coma of the monologue but it I fine anyways.

It reminded me of "The Cannibalistic Councillor" - that is a monologue short which is fun despite being literally a monologue.


Saying that you need to introduce a character by putting their age in bracket is lol.
 
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Ok thanks for the feedback. I'm working in restructuring the ending a little (I think i may shoot a couple of endings as well). I'll check out that film :)
I've also restructured/formatted the script as per peoples suggestions.

As a sidenote; I'm very keen on subverting cliches, and avoiding the reinforcement of stereotypes (so I'll often try to work with gay characters, under-represented groups, and women in traditionally male roles - as pretentious as that may sound). I'm fairly liberal so it's quite important to me. With that in mind - if I made the main character gay (I've put in a small extra shot where, as he comes into the house, notices a photo of him and his partner knocked over, and picks it up), would that just confuse things and raise more questions? I like to think that something like that shouldn't need further explanation, and that an audience should be able to exist that gay people exist. But in such a short median, is it unwise to do such a thing?
 
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It seems pretty darn entertaining to me for a one minute short.

As far as those montages goes, I would, if I may, direct you to what FantasySciFi recently posted about it. I found and find it to be very educational and of great value for myself. Maybe you would like to see what he has to say about them, if you haven't already.

FantasySciFi on montage and series of shots.

INT. LOUNGE
Man enters and goes to sit down at TV. He see’s his DVD of
"Speed Zone" and has a cliched moment of realization.
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I know you've said that this is for yourself, anyway, but I'm going to address it as though you're writing it for someone else, well, at least for the rest of your crew, and, while you're asking advice from your friends on IndieTalk, the alternative doesn't make much sense. =P

I think I get the drift of what you mean by "a cliched moment of realization," but I guess I'm not really thrilled by how criptic or how vague it is. Or more importantly, what is supposed to be filmed? Perhaps an exaggerated expression?

Car goes around the world (tacky animation), man is making a
weird face due to the speed he is traveling) crashes into a
backyard.
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Hey, why not make that animation paper animation, as well. At least, as I read it that's how I imagined it. Anyway, it made me laugh...in a good way. Fun.

this new mould
(scene and sound fading out)
if he recovers, it will take a long
time... if not [etc]
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I see why you used etc. I'm guessing that you intend that dialogue to have faded out by the [etc], so I'm thinking that its presence or absence is harmless, unless her voice won't have faded out completely by then. If that's the case, then you probably want to give your actress more to say, even if we won't be able to make out what she's saying at that point.

You've asked about the dialogue. You probably realize that the nurse's dialogue could use some neatening up. But otherwise, it comes off as funny and satirical and goofy to me just like you've said you're going for.

As far as story content goes, I think for a whimsical one minute short it sounds pretty fun to me.
 
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richy said:
It seems pretty darn entertaining to me for a one minute short.

As far as those montages goes, I would, if I may, direct you to what FantasySciFi recently posted about it. I found and find it to be very educational and of great value for myself. Maybe you would like to see what he has to say about them, if you haven't already.

FantasySciFi on montage and series of shots.
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Oh wow, thanks for the link, that's incredibly helpful! I have re-written in more detail, but I didn't know about convention for writing such scenes.


I know you've said that this is for yourself, anyway, but I'm going to address it as though you're writing it for someone else, well, at least for the rest of your crew, and, while you're asking advice from your friends on IndieTalk, the alternative doesn't make much sense. =P

I think I get the drift of what you mean by "a cliched moment of realization," but I guess I'm not really thrilled by how criptic or how vague it is. Or more importantly, what is supposed to be filmed? Perhaps an exaggerated expression?
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Yeah, I've edited this also, as it was just lazy and unhelpful for the actors. I've simply changed it to him gasping with his eyes widening in an exaggerated manner.

Hey, why not make that animation paper animation, as well. At least, as I read it that's how I imagined it. Anyway, it made me laugh...in a good way. Fun.
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Yeah, I think I will do it this way. I started out doing stop motion. I was not much more than a kid, but I understand the principles of it, and have no experience with computer animation.



I see why you used etc. I'm guessing that you intend that dialogue to have faded out by the [etc], so I'm thinking that its presence or absence is harmless, unless her voice won't have faded out completely by then. If that's the case, then you probably want to give your actress more to say, even if we won't be able to make out what she's saying at that point.

You've asked about the dialogue. You probably realize that the nurse's dialogue could use some neatening up. But otherwise, it comes off as funny and satirical and goofy to me just like you've said you're going for.

As far as story content goes, I think for a whimsical one minute short it sounds pretty fun to me.
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Yeah, you are correct again here. The actress I'm using is one i've worked with before, and she's quite good at improvising, so I will likely have her do that (i'll write something just incase, but I'd like to minimise how much she has to remember).

Yeah, this is my main concern. Dialogue has always been my weakest point. Any ideas on where it could be tightened up?
 
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