Feed back or ideas, critisms

[ConorJC]

I wrote this little intro as I went along one day and never did anything with it. I don't really know if this worth continuing or where it's heading. I was watching Le Samourai a lot when writing this so I'm not sure how I'd go about doing it. Gimme ideas or feedback if you have some and also please let me know if you think I should keep going or trash it.

Writing for me is also getting excessively harder, I have more visual ideas that are impossible to express with story telling. I also can't seem to find my writing style, I think I just need to keep writing more to find my voice. I know I have a great movie in me but I'm having trouble finding it. Especially in my writing.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------





T H E N I G H T


Screenplay
By
Conor J.

Story
By
Conor J.



Gallant is the man who lives in value. Value of his friends, nobility, and prowess. It is he who will be given loyalty, justice, and respect. To all others be cautious. The road to grief awaits.


- Sir Laurence H. Gardner, “The Code of Chivalry”



FIRST DRAFT - EDIT


------------------------------------------------------------



MARK MCKAYLIS

Age 27, ennui, contentious, all but the archetypal contract thief. Passion boils underneath his face, seeping out of his dark eyes and pseudo smile. Such intensity broods out of him for what reason is left unknown. A dream. A lover. An ambition. Whatever it was it’s since been gone and fermented his self-flagellation. Emerging from a land where empathy is scarce and feeling outlawed, further explaining the stench of alcohol under his breath. Smiling, speaking, listening, the expressions change but Mark remains miles away. Living his existential existence leaves room for few things his ethics can allow. Credence those close to you no matter what, defy those who defy you, hold yourself responsible to nothing. Morals of god’s dissipated creation.

Mark spends his time now hiding. His sanctuary belongs to an old and abandoned opera house, The Civic. Decay and damage, it’s surprisingly unscathed by stray dogs and the homeless. Rubble covers the vacant aisles like scabs on wounds left unattended. The whole structure seems to echo a disjointed performance of Yesterday. It’s amazing to believe the place once lit up with patrons to hark joyous compositions of Ave Maria.

Being the loner that Mark is, he hardly pays attention to his wardrobe. It consists of endless rows of formal black suites accompanied by red ties, both over lapped by his gray rain coat and white scarf. The thing that sticks out most is his tie. Red, violent red, surrounded by different shades of gray. This color scheme defines more about Mark than anything.


MARK GETS DEBRIEFED

Film opens...

INT. THE CIVIC

The beaten down opera house appears more beaten down than usual. It’s winter. The night guilds the sky with silver. Snow seems to fall like ash from a post-apocalyptic blizzard outside. Inside, the opera house rests nestled from the glow of candle light. The wind calls to Mark like the howl’s of so many people he’s killed.

Mark’s haggard and elder best friend sits by his side. SONNY, a one time hired gun and partner to Mark now debriefs him with contract jobs from various parties. Most of which choose to remain anonymous. They usually request the tasks of murder, theft, or sometimes both. This job is something different though. Mark has a metal brace around his leg from a bullet that blew out part of his calf bone. Perhaps crippled for life, Mark is now seeking vengeance on the shootist. Mark sits with his brief case on his lap, Sonny with a newspaper in his hands. Mark takes a long drag from his unfiltered cigarette.

MARK (O.S.)
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized the lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

SONNY (O.S.)
You believe in God?

MARK (O.S.)
Nope.

SONNY (O.S.)
(Muttering a headline from the paper)
“Family of five bludgeoned to death by home invaders.” Jesus Christ.

MARK (O.S.)
Jesus Christ had nothing to do with it.

SONNY (O.S.)
Well somebody did.

MARK (O.S.)
Are the guns clean?

SONNY (O.S.)
You can check em’ if you want.

MARK (O.S.)
No I don’t need to check em’, I’m just asking.

SONNY (O.S)
Yeah Mark. They’re clean.

Glancing over at each other, Mark shuts his briefcase and walks out.

 

[Will Vincent]

It reads like a novel, not a screenplay.

Everything up until the first line of dialogue, while written more or less in present tense, is backstory.

I'm not understanding why all the dialogue is indicated as being off screen, and most of it feels like filler text more than anything that would be moving the story forward.

I don't think your question about whether to keep going or trash it can be answered, since you yourself have stated that you don't know where the story is going.

But here's a question you should ask yourself, is this a film, or a novel? I can envision it probably being quite good either way, given the information you've provided about the main character. But, unless you know where you're going with it, trying to force it into the framework of a film might be a loosing battle.

The first line of dialogue to me feels a bit introspective. I like the line, but I think it might work best as a voice over that helps introduce the character, or reinforce the character at some point later in the story. I could see it either working just as he's finished a job, putting his weapon back into his briefcase and leaving, or maybe over a flashback of a young child stealing a bicycle perhaps intercut with the same child dressed as an alter boy kneeling in a catholic church.

Coming back to my first point though, as written, this really feels more like a book than a film.

 

[ConorJC]

Well I was just going on what I heard Paul Schrader say, a script should work as a story first and then a movie. I don't really like doing it either haha but hey the advice got Taxi Driver made. I like the idea of narration, but flash backs too me are like cheating and I think they are a little quaint. Thanks for the feed back bro!

 

[Buddy Greenfield]

Your 1st line of dialogue is an Emo Phillips bit or something.

I'm with Will on the novel thing and OS. It's hard to really say much about this good or bad, it seems like notes. I do see a point of improvement (in terms of dialogue) in comparison to one of your other posts I glanced at earlier.


-Thanks-

 

[wheatgrinder]

I think the OS doesntmake sense yet what IS on screen during this dialog? Just the smoldering cigs in the ash tray?

Im getting a clear vision of your mood here. Which is good, but like everyone else, the back story is important to a novel, but not so much to a film.

For example: The info about Marks leg brace and his motivation for getting even can easily be summed on in a line of action and of dialog.

MARK
Taps the barrel of the .45 against the corroded allow of his leg brace.
"Im stating to think Ill never find that ass*&@^&$?"
...

 

[wheatgrinder]

also, seems to me that Mark WOULD recheck the guns, without asking Sonny. Mark doesn't leave things like that to other people. Sonny can still complain about it though, which would draw out more of the differences between the two.

 

[ConorJC]

I love the idea of Mark tapping his brace and making some kind of quick remark. That sounds like good stuff. However I'd rather leave in the bit where Mark doesn't check the guns and asks Sonny, this shows a sign of trust. Friendship is about trust and I think that very simply and clearly expresses this.

 

[wheatgrinder]

I love the idea of Mark tapping his brace and making some kind of quick remark. That sounds like good stuff. However I'd rather leave in the bit where Mark doesn't check the guns and asks Sonny, this shows a sign of trust. Friendship is about trust and I think that very simply and clearly expresses this.

Seeing how you know Mark and Sonny better than I do, I guess your right... though Id disagree

If he trusted him, why did he even ask Sonny? Obviously Mark expected that Sonny did his job, but there is some possibility, in Marks mind, that he might have forgotten or screwed up. If it was a typical pre-job checklist then Sonny would not have been offended..

See how this works! Iv read one page and Im already invested in your character.. GOOD JOB with that!

 

[wheatgrinder]

plus, having Mark NOT be trusting.. leaves some room for Mark to grow ... Maybe in the end, he learns to trust Sonny, and doesn't check the guns.. and they both DIE because Sonny is old and sentimental !!!! Sucka!

 

[wheatgrinder]

Heck, if you don't follow up on this idea, Im going to make my OWN screenplay that deals Exclusively with trusting someone else to check out your weapons! FYI: Any gun nut will tell you that you NEVER assume ANYTHING about a gun. EVERY GUN IS A LOADED GUN, period.