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logline Drama logline. Some feedback appreciated.

In a small Italian town, Andrea is forced to patch up a relationship with his grumpy dying father, while his brother Rosario struggles to confess to their hyper-catholic mother his homosexuality.


Trying to look at it with an objective eye, I don't think it's clear the age of the brothers in the logline. they are both grown up men, both living in separate cities, away from home (and so from their family), but how would you condensate this into the logline? And what else do you think is missed or can be fixed?

Thanks
 
Andrea, Rosario and the parents live in three different places. The mother convinces the two sons to spend a few days in the family house, so that they can help her take care of the father, as well as spending some time with him.
So the story takes place mainly in their childhood city.
 

mlesemann

Staff Member
Moderator
I'm thinking something along these lines:

"When brothers visit their childhood home in a small Italian town, one yearns to reconcile with their dying father while the other struggles to come out to their ultra-religious mother."

I generally avoid specifying which religion because it's an issue that people from many backgrounds can relate to.
 
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Thanks mlesemann for the feedback. So you mean that, even though the religion is specified in the story, in the logline can be more general, to make the logline (and so the story) feel more "universal"?

Andrea doesn't really "yearn" to reconcile, he hates him. So for him it's more something that he is doing to please his mother who asked him.
Also, I'm not sure about the word "ultra-religious", it feels off. I might be wrong, but it just doesn't feel the right word to me. Anyway I will definitely be thinking about it!

Sorry I didn't mean to criticize your answer, just wanted to specify a few points to be sure we are going to the right direction. I appreciate the feedback :)
 
What if I put it in the form of a question?

So, using part of the logline you suggested, it would be something like:


When two brothers are brought back together in their childhood home by their mother, two problems arises: how can one patch up a relationship with a father he hates despite his illness, and how can the other come out to their ultra-religious mother?
 

mlesemann

Staff Member
Moderator
I would tweak that a little bit:
1. I'd go with a more active verb than "arises" - maybe "they're forced to confront two problems" or "must confront two problems they've long avoided"?
2. I'd avoid using "how can" twice
 
When two brothers are brought back together in their childhood home by their mother, they are forced to confront two problems. For one, patching up his relationship with a father he hates despite his illness. For the other, coming out to their ultra-religious mother.
 

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
I'm not getting what the film is about or why I should watch it (read it).
 
I'm not getting what the film is about or why I should watch it (read it).
What is exactly not clear? The film is about two brothers, who come back to their childhood home because the father is sick and the mother asks them to come and help. One of the brothers hates the father, but because he is dying, he tries to build some sort of relationship with him, while the other brother is gay and wants to come out to the family, especially the mother. I think all this is in the logline?
So basically the story revolves around the relationship between the brothers and their parents.
 

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
It all seems like drama that should be happening around something central to make it a movie. Like, the mom was burglarized and attacked so they all rush to see her, the police are working on the crime, while this family drama plays out. Or, the family business, a bakery, is collapsing so they drop everything to come work for her and try to save it so it can be passed on. Something to bring them all together in a rush, which forces them to confront these issues. I am missing that element. The father's illness is not enough, since one son is reluctant already. I think the urgency should be focused around the mother.
 

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
Otherwise it's like a TV drama, Brothers and Sisters, etc. But you don't have 13 seasons, you have two hours, so you get to create a story/situation to bring them all together this one time, whereupon the drama unfolds.
 
Otherwise it's like a TV drama, Brothers and Sisters, etc. But you don't have 13 seasons, you have two hours, so you get to create a story/situation to bring them all together this one time, whereupon the drama unfolds.
But if you didn't even want to see the film, how could you want to watch my Tv Drama? ahahahah
But yes, I see what you mean.
 

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
I'll get fancy with screenplay jargon for a sec. It needs an inciting incident :) and I don't think the news of the father is enough, otherwise it's just family drama, you have a chance to make the story more dynamic.
 
I'll get fancy with screenplay jargon for a sec. It needs an inciting incident :) and I don't think the news of the father is enough, otherwise it's just family drama, you have a chance to make the story more dynamic.
For me the inciting incident was actually the news of the father's illness, but you are basically saying that Robert McKee would kick me in the ass if reads that ahahah

Ok. I see.

Let's go one step further, then. Let's say I find a better inciting incident, he brothers need to save the bakery or whatever. Good.
Now, Apart from your personal taste, is this a film that you believe has some commercial value? Of course you would need to read the whole script, but I'm just talking about the concept.
 
By the way. Changing the inciting incident would mean that the structure of the story would inevitably change too, I basically need to add e subplot with an inciting incident that overlaps the main plot one, OR even go as further as make a new main plot (with the "right" inciting incident), and make the brothers the subplot (which I am not very keen to do, as for me that's what this story is about).
 
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indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
The father's illness could be the inciting incident if the news is sudden and the situation is dire, but to me that's a bit generic and since the whole film is currently family drama, it doesn't add anything, where, a different inciting incident could add to the story. So, let's say the news of the father is not new in the film, and one son has been visiting (on and off) and the other has not. Now, with this different inciting incident, everyone is forced to the family home where everything unfolds and the son has been avoiding his father on his death bed (perhaps in the home and not a hospital?). So now they are all in the home together. It has more tension, and your new incident can add to the story.

These other guys and gals are better at this than me. I'm trying to look at it from the moviegoer perspective, and not the screenwriting side. And yes I would enjoy it more if it had some element like that. The family bakery was in trouble because the father cannot run it or get out of bed. And you can have lots of those kitchen talk scenes with baking lol.
 
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