I’m not sure what you are after, but just stuff in general that sticks out to me:
*I don’t care for the daughter’s dialogue, it’s too stiff and sugary and typical, like more of a prop character than an individual.
*I don’t feel Paul has to or (to me personally) should tell Kubiak (on the phone) about what he (Paul) has in mind, (the job). There are a few hand in hand points in tandem with this:
1. We (The audience) already know (or suspect) why Paul is calling him.
2. To not tell him opens the dynamic of created curiosity between what we know Paul is thinking and how Kubiak will react to it.
3. Maybe consider shortening Paul calling him Kubiak at the door, to like Kub (Koob as he goes on to), so we are vicariously in on the kind of ‘Koob ol’buddy old pal’ buttering up that also almost gets the last bit of cause and effect curiosity juice out of ‘How will Kubiak react when Paul breaks it to him?’ Then after Paul invites him in, CUT TO Henderson, and then back to Paul’s house minutes later and give us Kubiak's summed up reaction. This will place you in an organically developed position to unload exposition about a driver, a plan or whatever they’ll need or whatever you want, because the audience will be all ears to quell the piqued and sustained curiosity you set up.
*Kubiak doesn’t have to echo “They’ll be afraid we’ll call the cops on them.” as Paul just said. I would personally just roll with “I don’t see why they wouldn’t”, unless you are like selling him as telling Paul what he wants to hear, but in that case I might make it like "...Like you said, they'll be scared we'll call the cops."
*Paul’s line to Henderson “I’ll bring you groceries when I get back” I would personally omit and save it for when he discusses his relationship with Henderson immediately afterwards with Kubiak, “I bring him groceries, and make sure his heater stays lit in the winter…”
*Kubiak’s line “We gotta skate if we want to do this tonight, I told Vince we’d pick him up at 7…” is a bit rough in the exposition department. Paul would know all of this by now. I might try to prompt the exposition, or create curiosity for it 1st, or reword it or forego it, but it’s a rough one.
*Paul’s dialogue with Vince (in the car) finds its way just slightly into a Tarantino feel (to me), with vaulting off of Kubiak with “Oh yeah, what are your plans, Vince?”, and then on with “Wow. Just like that, huh?” and “Safe like that, huh?", beyond that- Vince is just kind of gushing with Paul sort of overtly and perfunctorily saying “Really, tell us more.”, I might do a little weeding in that garden and thin it out some or get Paul and Kubiak more engaged in the conversation. (But that like anything else could just be me)
*I didn’t like the ending at all, it turned no trick. To me it could use some ironic twist better than an old man sneaks up on them, again. Paul seems like he would likely have the door locked anyways. If it's the fruit fly trap you are visually bringing metaphor too, It could be better. Another possibility is like the next day or after the weekend Paul is just finishing writing checks or preparing envelopes for payment of the bills and like “Paid, andddd paid. (beat-calls outs) Honey? If you want to get ice crème we have to go before they close.” Daughter appears “Okay.” Paul: “Damnit (Clears throat) I mean dang it, I forgot the stamps, sweetie go get my keys will you, they’re in my jacket.” The daughter goes off and of course -BLAM!- a gunshot rings out from the next room, but that is thin too. Another possibility, pepper it along teh way so in the end Hendson robs and kills them as the fruit fly trap, because somehow Henderson know it will look like a drug deal gone bad or something, and who would suspect an old man?
Overall, I DID like the story and chracters and world, they are tight.
-Thanks-
