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logline Comedy pilot loglines

A

AmateurD

Hello all,

Once again I'm here to ask for your help. Can I have some input on these, please? Do you find any interesting or are they flawed?

"After a experimental drug gone wrong and gave him the opposite effect, a gigolo, living the good times, needs to change his life after losing his sex drive."

"It follows the life of Matthew, from unknown to Youtube star."

"Living repressed by his foster mother, 30's something Adam will finally start to live with the help of his favorite childhood doll, who gains life after being dumped in the trash by Adam's foster mother...and killed her."

Thank you all!
 
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I get the dance around it and your mind putting it together, I just don't know if that dance will hold up the whole movie. You may find yourself leaving out parts you really want to put it and find yourself restrained.
 
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You can combine 1 and 2 in this way:

A YouTube star and influencer is asked to promote a male enhancement supplement in his videos. He tries the supplement himself and it has the opposite effect. Due to his contract, he must keep up the act of the stamina and girth (lol) on screen. And all this time he has been falling in love with one of his fans. They finally meet and...

Brainstorming here but that's a way to combine 1 and 2. :D
 
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Some comedic scenes of him avoiding sex... she thinks he is being a gentleman but he is waiting for his size and stamina to return. They actually fall in love. Yada yada yada.
 
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He finally tells her what's going on, she doesn't care. She loves him. Now he knows he loves her. Then in an innocuous scene, he goes to the bathroom and yells "It's backkkk!" She yells "What??" He yells "I'm back baby!" And you know what happens next.

That's all I got.
 
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indietalk said:
Some comedic scenes of him avoiding sex... she thinks he is being a gentleman but he is waiting for his size and stamina to return. They actually fall in love. Yada yada yada.
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Doesn’t ring true to me.

I’ve never been able to turn down a woman for sex and keep their interest at the same time. But have sex with them and they stay interested.

It would have to be something really creative to have her still be interested after she gets shot down. Women will just move on to another guy that actually does want them. People have sex on the first or second date these days
 
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Thank you all for your inputs, really appreciate that.

sfoster it wouldn't a complete comedy, but I can see some funny scenes. For example him (still being a gigolo) playing 50 shades kind of stuff with a client, blindfolding her and ready to put it on, but no more erections lol. And all that stuff related to the fact that he needs to change his life, like finding another job, meeting new and quirky people.

Indietalk I like that Youtube star/influencer who is asked to promote a male enhancement product.

I haven't thought much about it yet, just playing with the logline to see if something cool comes up. I'm still writing my 1st pilot. I don't know if then I am allowed to post some pages in the forums, because I'd love to have your opinions.

Thanks!
 
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"After a experimental drug gone wrong and gave him the opposite effect, a gigolo, living the good times, needs to change his life after losing his sex drive."
-- Syntax is bad. I infer that you mean that the experimental drug was a sex related drug, but maybe not? Instead of Why? Who? What? try Who? What? Why?
Reconstruct:
"a gigolo, living the good times, needs to change his life after losing his sex drive [due to] an experimental drug gone wrong [that] gave him the opposite effect." Except better, and get the grammar right.

"It follows the life of Matthew, from unknown to Youtube star."
-- ? You didn't tell me anything about the story. Is Matthew a poor fishermen? A prince? A race car driver? A beggar? Who is this guy you want me to read about?

"Living repressed by his foster mother, 30's something Adam will finally start to live with the help of his favorite childhood doll, who gains life after being dumped in the trash by Adam's foster mother...and killed her."
-- Too confusing. But again, it's syntax, because English is a messed up language to learn. So change the order of information. Intrigue the reader. Is the story about Adam's relationship with the doll or his mother? Emphasize the prime relationship.

Hope that helps. Now try again.

FYI: The ability to write loglines is a valuable skill. When you hand a script up the production pipeline, you have to be able to come up with an original logline for it. When I hand my Board of Directors a script to consider, they get it with the screenwriter's logline and my personal logline, too. Same thing when someone asks me to read a script they did not write.
 
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Thanks for your input, apprciate that.

Even though it's not the only problem with the loglines, yes my syntax is very poor. English is not my native language so I have difficulties when it comes to creating a well constructed logline. It's a shame that there's no screenwriting forums around here. But it's perfectly fine.

"a gigolo, living the good times, needs to change his life after losing his sex drive [due to] an experimental drug gone wrong [that] gave him the opposite effect" - It looks much better like this. You think it's good?
As far as the drug, I thought about something related to sex yes, but it still just an overall ideia that occurred me.

"It follows the life of Matthew, from unknown to Youtube star."
-- ? You didn't tell me anything about the story. Is Matthew a poor fishermen? A prince? A race car driver? A beggar? Who is this guy you want me to read about? - Yes this one is too vague. I was thinking about a broke guy that paved is way to the top by becoming a Youtube celebrity. But I also like the suggestion of mixing the sex drive stuff with this one.

"Living repressed by his foster mother, 30's something Adam will finally start to live with the help of his favorite childhood doll, who gains life after being dumped in the trash by Adam's foster mother...and killed her."
-- Too confusing. But again, it's syntax, because English is a messed up language to learn. So change the order of information. Intrigue the reader. Is the story about Adam's relationship with the doll or his mother? Emphasize the prime relationship. - My idea is around the relationship between him and the doll. A doll that with high levels of both intelligence and crazyness. The mother is just the repressive element that prevented her son from living.

FYI: The ability to write loglines is a valuable skill. When you hand a script up the production pipeline, you have to be able to come up with an original logline for it. When I hand my Board of Directors a script to consider, they get it with the screenwriter's logline and my personal logline, too. Same thing when someone asks me to read a script they did not write. - Yes, I never thought that a logline could be so important. But the more I read, the more I realize that.

Thanks!
 
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