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critique BackTrack Short Script critique requested

jsmithson

jsmithson

This is a very short script for a film I will be shooting some time early next year.

Page length: 4 pages

Synopsis: James and his girlfriend Natasmai have a funny relationship. She can understand him, but James doesn’t know her language. When he finds out what’s on her mind, his world is turned upside down.

I'd appreciate any feedback at all – about the dialogue, story, or any tips on how to shoot it.

This is going to be my first real short film.

I am working from short stories I've written that have gotten good responses from people.

I chose this for my first film because it will be a good "practice" story – extremely low budget, focused on the acting.

Thanks for looking.

-J.R.
 

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I will take a glance when I get home. I am at work right now though.

How many pages is it, BTW?

In the future when posting scripts, you should try and say how many pages it is and give a log line or synopsis so we can all get an idea what we are going to be reading.
 
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I like it. A good first short.

I think your next step should be proper script format. Even when you are
shooting a movie yourself with friends it's good to understand the correct
format.

This is simple enough to allow you to experiment while shooting. And the
finished film will be clever.
 
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directorik said:
I like it. A good first short.

I think your next step should be proper script format. Even when you are
shooting a movie yourself with friends it's good to understand the correct
format.

This is simple enough to allow you to experiment while shooting. And the
finished film will be clever.
Click to expand...

Thanks a lot for the feedback.

I tried my best to copy the format of a screenplay I found online. And I'm typing it up in a google doc... probably shouldn't be doing that.

Think I'll buy the Fade In screenwriting program to work with. Thanks for the tip.
 
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I don't think you should have subtitles. I also think James should find out she is speaking backwards by accident. Haven't thought how, maybe a fault with his phone. I think the delivery driver just telling him is... well it just ruins it for me.
 
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Not bad. I agree with Geezer, he needs to find out in a different way.

I dislike that her name is I Am Satan. Maybe Natasha as her name? Ah Satan when reversed. A real name hides the reveal better.

Your actress will need to work very hard on speaking backwards. You and she are going to have to record her lines, and reverse them; then she will have to listen and repeat A LOT so she gets the flow correct.
 
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Alcove Audio said:
Not bad. I agree with Geezer, he needs to find out in a different way.

I dislike that her name is I Am Satan. Maybe Natasha as her name? Ah Satan when reversed. A real name hides the reveal better.

Your actress will need to work very hard on speaking backwards. You and she are going to have to record her lines, and reverse them; then she will have to listen and repeat A LOT so she gets the flow correct.
Click to expand...

Thanks a lot guys, awesome points.

I just rewrote a bunch of it with your feedback in mind. I tried to make the reveal more natural, instead of just a "random Chinese delivery man".

If you have any other thoughts I'd love to hear. Thanks again!
 

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I just realised who Natasmai is but still doen't explain why she wants to kill James. I think this is quite a good idea but it just doesn't work as it is. Maybe make it a bit longer and let us know why she wants to take his life. You don't need to reveal that until the end but at least it would make sense.

Maybe James could somehow work out her name by hearing it being played backwards by mistake, maybe Alexa says it, then flashback to all the things she was saying and James feeling the shock.
 
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You've changed her name but not here;

"NATASMAI cradles JAMES’ hand, giving a crooked smile."

I would keep Natasmai as her name for the reason I gave above.

Also why would she spend months with James, surely she would have killed him by now. I think it would be better to have James take her in, maybe she is homeless, he hits her with his car so wants to help. She could be there for a day or two before James finds out the real reason she is there. I'm not trying to re-write this for you but it just doesn't make sense as it is. Good concept, it just needs more work.
 
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Writing by committee can get messy. That's why I don't offer story
suggestions. It's YOUR script and story.

I liked the first version better. But then I prefer more subtle, less on
the nose. I don't need to know why she wants to kill him. I liked the
delivery guy figuring it out over the text messages. And I always
cringe when a short film is about filmmakers. I liked the original
name: no one seeing the movie will see it spelled out and it
sounds "Chinese".

Gets confusing, doesn't it? Whose advice do you follow?
 
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Bottom of page two/top of page three:

CHINESE DELIVERY MAN
Your girl. She said you won’t need the money much longer.

JAMES looks flummoxed.

CHINESE DELIVERY MAN clasps his hand on the dollar bills.

CHINESE DELIVERY MAN
I listen to a lot of music backwards. It’s called backmasking. She sounds like a backmasker.
 
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directorik said:
Bottom of page two/top of page three:

CHINESE DELIVERY MAN
Your girl. She said you won’t need the money much longer.

JAMES looks flummoxed.

CHINESE DELIVERY MAN clasps his hand on the dollar bills.

CHINESE DELIVERY MAN
I listen to a lot of music backwards. It’s called backmasking. She sounds like a backmasker.
Click to expand...

There were no text messages, the delivery man heard her speak
 
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I see where the issue is;

I wrote that I preferred one version (takout guy) over the
other version (text).

I guess I should have written: I like the delivery guy figuring
it out better than figuring it out by the text messages.
 
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Overall, I like the concept, but some of the details feel a bit off.
jsmithson said:
I tried to make the reveal more natural, instead of just a "random Chinese delivery man".
Click to expand...
I'm with @directorik on this point - it seems more natural to me that a random nerd would spot something like this than the rather tortuous alternative in version 2.

I was bothered from the start by this: they're in Natasha/Natasmai's apartment, with a burnt filet mignon in a pan, but James has left-over pasta? :huh: Did he bring left-over pasta on a date? And there's only one piece of meat, and no sides? :huh: How have they ended up in a situation where they've decided to cook one expensive cut between them and only after they've destroyed it do they decide to order a take-out ... :huh: :huh: :huh: Yeah, this stuff really bothers me - to the point where (in any film, not just your script) I don't really care what happens to characters that are so completely clueless.

The other problem I have is that over the course of this evening, we only hear Natasha/Natasmai using her backwards speech to James, while he speaks to her in a normal way. The assumption is that they know each other for a decent length of time (you hardly "unconditionally" love someone you've just met) so it doesn't make sense for James to think that Natasha/Natasmai doesn't know that he understands her. It would be more believable if Natasha/Natasmai's backwards comments were portrayed as a separate (additional/parallel) conversation, e.g. if James had to repeatedly ask her to translate (thinking that she was speaking a foreign language), which she would do - but give him some banal sentence instead of the truth. That would set things up for the arrival of the delivery man: Natasha/Natasmai loses control of the situation when he intervenes.

Again, like @directorik , for a short film, I don't think we need to know why Natasha/Natasmai wants to kill James, but I also agree with @Geezer that the "soppy love story" aspect implies that they've been together uneventfully for ages, so now we need to know what's triggered the change in Natasha/Natasmai's attitude today.

As I said at the beginning, the broad outline is intriguing - I'm looking forward to version 3.0 :)
 
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CelticRambler said:
Overall, I like the concept, but some of the details feel a bit off.

I'm with @directorik on this point - it seems more natural to me that a random nerd would spot something like this than the rather tortuous alternative in version 2.

I was bothered from the start by this: they're in Natasha/Natasmai's apartment, with a burnt filet mignon in a pan, but James has left-over pasta? :huh: Did he bring left-over pasta on a date? And there's only one piece of meat, and no sides? :huh: How have they ended up in a situation where they've decided to cook one expensive cut between them and only after they've destroyed it do they decide to order a take-out ... :huh: :huh: :huh: Yeah, this stuff really bothers me - to the point where (in any film, not just your script) I don't really care what happens to characters that are so completely clueless.

The other problem I have is that over the course of this evening, we only hear Natasha/Natasmai using her backwards speech to James, while he speaks to her in a normal way. The assumption is that they know each other for a decent length of time (you hardly "unconditionally" love someone you've just met) so it doesn't make sense for James to think that Natasha/Natasmai doesn't know that he understands her. It would be more believable if Natasha/Natasmai's backwards comments were portrayed as a separate (additional/parallel) conversation, e.g. if James had to repeatedly ask her to translate (thinking that she was speaking a foreign language), which she would do - but give him some banal sentence instead of the truth. That would set things up for the arrival of the delivery man: Natasha/Natasmai loses control of the situation when he intervenes.

Again, like @directorik , for a short film, I don't think we need to know why Natasha/Natasmai wants to kill James, but I also agree with @Geezer that the "soppy love story" aspect implies that they've been together uneventfully for ages, so now we need to know what's triggered the change in Natasha/Natasmai's attitude today.

As I said at the beginning, the broad outline is intriguing - I'm looking forward to version 3.0 :)
Click to expand...

Thanks for the detailed feedback, I appreciate it.

After these critiques, I feel there are too many problems with the story to futz with it any more.

I have plenty of other stories to work with, and I already have 3 short scripts written.

I might just start from scratch...

Thanks again guys!
 
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