It's sort of amusing to me. I started reading this, I think, soon after you posted it. But one of the things that encouraged me to
put it aside were the POV shot directions you included. When I saw FSF mention them and your apparent willingness to revisit that choice, I was encouraged to try again. But, I saw that you still snuck a couple of them in at the end of the rewrite, anyway, Naughty. Or should I say, "Naughty?"
I do agree with the other commentators' input above. Also, full disclosure, I've always been pretty much "disease movie" averse.
When I first read the VO in the first draft that you posted, I was thinking that the VO is fine. How else would you convey all the information that you're trying to convey? When I read the VO in the rewrite, it felt less satisfactory for me. I don't know what restraints you are working within as far as the page count goes. Is it self-imposed or from without? Hey, you want to keep this very short. But, at the moment, I'm feeling like you might want to give yourself permission to make this longer in order to really let it soar. Okay, I'm not saying that you should ixnay the VO. Or maybe I am. Or, maybe I'm just wondering how it might be if you tried an alternative version minus the VO. In the rewrite you've added quite a few visual cues that she's ill. Also, the bare bones info about HD could be relayed via dialogue between Chelo and Annie. Such added dialogue might also bring a little more sense of bonding between the two characters. And, I don't know, but it might be more elegant as well. Is it critical that the audience knows that it's HD? Is this short all about HD awareness? Even if it is, how would it be if you instead added text at the end of the short providing facts or statistics about HD. The audience could put two and two together. Well, that's kind of clunky too. So I'm hoping that that's not your mission. Because, as Nick pointed out, these are both pretty heavy subjects on their own. And with HD awareness being a necessary message, it makes the whole thing very...heavy, and perhaps even at loggerheads. But if all you're really after is a reason for Chelo to be suicidal and a reason for her to hook up with Annie, well, things are at least simpler than the former.
I like Annie's flashback. It could be very poetic, evocative, and touching...depending.
CHELO
Did you ever marry?
A long PAUSE.
ANNIE
I was never able to let someone
else see me, what they...did to
me. Don’t worry, it’s ok, really.
This sort of came out of left field for me. Okay, it's normal dialogue for people trying to get to know each other. But within the whole of this short short, if felt unsatisfying for me. Maybe it will grow on me. I have to quickly add that perhaps in the context of a longer dialogue and perhaps in a longer screenplay, it might feel more natural to me. It was my first reaction. Maybe after ruminating on it for a while it would occur to me that my first reaction was wrong.
[Edit]: I forgot to ask if the point of the marriage question has to do with Chelo's relationship with Lewis? As in, like Annie, Chelo is having difficulty allowing a potential husband (Lewis)
see her...what HD is doing to her? I do suppose that trying to see it in that context helps me to
get it better. =) [/Edit]
ANNIE
You know, we memorized each other’s
names. In case one of us made it
out alive. I can still see the
list in my head but...(she frowns)
now only in my dreams.
I reeeeeeally like the addition of this list. In fact, when I was thinking about this and vaguely visualizing images to go along with it moments ago, it gave me goosebumps...and no figurative speech there either.
CHELO (V.O.)
It’s not important that individual
flowers live on - only that gardens
do.
That's really nice. On one hand it repels me, but on another hand it's lovely. It's potent.
Oops. I had suggested trying a version without a VO. But I don't think I'd want to lose this or the recital of the poem. Hmmm. Well, what if the above was instead dialogue spoken by Annie to Chelo in her education about gardening?
CHELO
In 1945, the gates swung open in
Auschwitz. One thousand tumbled
forth as dry as pebbles from a
planter’s basket. One thousand
were all that were left. They fell
along the road, tried to eat the
grass, and perished.
I am trying to like this. How would a simple and elegant montage to go with this be?
