story 3rd Draft: America Love Story

[redbluewhite85]

Screenplay: America Love Story

Author: Junsai Xu

Indication 1
Please respect creator’s copyright, don’t alter anything（except obvious English grammar mistake ）.Because the change of one word, one sentence, one section would be on content, on form, on essence, damage the logic ratiocination science of personage disposition portraiture, story plot development, theme thought prominence and so on.

Indication 2
First manuscript: 275 sections；second manuscript: 115 sections. This is a whole edition.

Main Logline
The defeatist harbored her bitter hatred, never stopped defrauding, injuring, revenging, caused a huge debt pressure, forced the gainer to fall deep into a strange circle, ruin her life，discharge a repayment，viciously cycle，be desperately driven；but the defender dedicated himself to launching a rescue, in pollution and purification, in erosion and perfection，in degeneration and contention，changed a love tragedy into a love drama，thus bulged the significant society problem of triggering the sickness overgrowth，reducing the life quality，endangering the human development.

Assistant Logline
The life perplexity of an epoch，complicated puzzlement，extraordinary heaviness: for the sake of immigration，the protagonist had no choice but to part with his cohabitant in China，and wouldn’t reunite with his son in Canada from beginning to end, unexpectedly lost his wife in America at the eleventh hour; or the affection became incomplete, being filled with grief and indignation; or it’s only difficult to maintain the relation, the prospect isn’t cheerful; he felt depressed in humanity, so much so that he wouldn’t bear to think of the past and considered that the reality isn’t entirely satisfactory.

Plot Overview
Dazhi Tang caressed Joanna, made every effort to help her give up smoking, give up drinking, commit to drug rehabilitation, stop gambling, conceal murder abortion crime, engage crisis，avenge by bravery，finally formed different endings.

 

[redbluewhite85]

Where did buscando mention your screenplay title?

Each of your citations is incorrect. I don't know what you are writing
about. Stevens did not write anything called America History. Why
did you mention the other two? Blaquiere died in 1812 so what is
the May 1851 date referring to?


Now you are just rude. Ignorance is a lack of knowledge or information.
There is nothing shameful or despicable about being ignorant.

Your English writing skills are poor. Your Chinese to English idiom
translations show a lack of knowledge or information on how Americans
speak. But no one here has ever called you "shameful, despicable, low".
buscando was trying to help you.

I immediately copied one section words about that history book from internet.

Your study had two wrongnesses: 1, I didn't absolutely write. 2, you haven't pointed out the information source. Therefore it's not believable.

My every sentence words has been written according to example sentence from dictionary. Dictionary is everyone's boss.

Someone has slightly different views, then is accused of being rude, commonplace indeed.

Help himself first, write out the script, then to help others, to convince people: maybe he could help others.

 

[mlesemann]

Here's the bottom line:
You can't simply translate writing word by word from the dictionary - you will NOT get a well-written screenplay. I'm sure the same would be true if I tried to translate one of my screenplays from English to French, German, Chinese, or Arabic.

This is an incomprehensible mess. It may be great in your native language, but if you want to get someone to work with you to produce this in English, you're going to have to find someone fluent in the language to work with you.

 

[buscando]

Thanks directorik.
Just like indietalk, I too would like to know:
redbluewhite85, are you posting your screenplay because you want feedback?

 

[directorik]

I immediately copied one section words about that history book from internet.

What history book? There is no book titled America History. Show proof, please.

My every sentence words has been written according to example sentence from dictionary. Dictionary is everyone's boss.

Every word may be from a dictionary, but your sentence structure and
your character dialogue suffers from poor Chinese to English translation.

We are at a disadvantage. Your English skills are poor, my Chinese is
non-existent. You are writing in English - I am a professional script reader.
Everything about your English translation is incorrect; your title, your
dialogue, your scene description. I've read several pages of your script;
many of your characters are of Asian decent - if they speak in local idiom
and non-standard grammar that is expected. Your American characters
(like Joanna) should not speak the way you write them. And all your
descriptions must be in correct English.

You say you write according to example sentence from the dictionary.
Have you ever read a screenplay?

Someone has slightly different views, then is accused of being rude, commonplace indeed.

Different views are welcome and open to discussion. Calling someone "shameful"
and "despicable" for having a different view is rude. Ignorance is not shameful
or despicable, ignorance is a lack of knowledge. You are ignorant of the way
Americans speak - no one called you despicable. You lack knowledge and you
can gain that knowledge as long as you stay open minded and treat people with
respect.

I will not get into a circle with you. If you feel the need to post over and over
and over and keep adding threads then you are free to do so here on indietalk.
You clearly do not want any feedback, you don't want any discussion, you don't
accept any criticism. I wish you the best with your script.

 

[redbluewhite85]

Here's the bottom line

Here's the bottom line:
You can't simply translate writing word by word from the dictionary - you will NOT get a well-written screenplay. I'm sure the same would be true if I tried to translate one of my screenplays from English to French, German, Chinese, or Arabic.

This is an incomprehensible mess. It may be great in your native language, but if you want to get someone to work with you to produce this in English, you're going to have to find someone fluent in the language to work with you.

According to leader's all directions, I only keep a silence. But in fact, I'll go to work again after several days. So I cannot casually waste my any time again.

But I still want to ask for instructions: namely I absolutely reject any self-righteousness's translative help. Nobody can unlawfully tamper a word of my works. It's my copyright's principle to necessarily maintain defensiveness from start to finish (repelling any trespass). Then do you let me continue posting after I've clearly expressed my views？

 

[redbluewhite85]

·Upperpart·

Screen 1

1，EXT.GREENWOOD AVENUE-DAY　　
Dazhi Tang marches.
MARGARET
（winking）
He's come over.
JOANNA
（warming up）
You see, I want to exceed him more than eight hundred meters today.
Dazhi Tang arrives, says hello, invites practice, Joanna and Margaret start. Dazhi Tang is behind. Margaret stops.
MARGARET
（gasping out）
Joanna is an athlete. Can you catch her up?
DAZHI TANG
Let me try.
MARGARET
I’m afraid not.
DAZHI TANG
Really? Originally, lady first. Now, I candidly admit defeat.
They have gimme five. Dazhi Tang runs.

2, EXT.CROSSROADS-DAY
Come across a red light. Joanna stops. Dazhi Tang closes. 　　
DAZHI TANG
I've observed, you had the rules. Ran two or three steps, breathed out one time; ran two or three steps，breathed in one time. Are you a proficient？
JOANNA
Can't equate. But in the fact, I liked a long-distance running in Freedom High School, and a third in five thousand meters competition.
DAZHI TANG
Extraordinary！
JOANNA
Thank you！The green light is on. Let's start. Follow me, don't lag！

3, EXT.GREENWOOD AVENUE-DAY　　
Dazhi Tang accelerates. Joanna doesn't pay attention, obstructs after discovery.
JOANNA
（embarrassing）
Hello! Man, should you make a concession to this girl？
DAZHI TANG
（dodging）
Hey! Big missy, do you understand there seems fraud in the arena？
JOANNA
Dazhi Tang，pretended，snuck a attack，counted for nothing！
DAZHI TANG
Joanna，don't worry, take it easy, you'll win！
Dazhi Tang crosses the road. Joanna comes across a red light.

 

[indietalk]

If you are posting this for feedback, you need to take into account all feedback given before you post any more of this. The action and dialog, most importantly, though, dialog, sounds like a computer translation, and that will need to be addressed before you continue asking for feedback because it is not easy reading and nobody should have to "assume" or re-translate dialog when reading, it needs to be what that characters will actually say. If this is what they actually say, then, lots of problems there too.

 

[directorik]

I agree with our Founder. Everything sounds like it is translated by
a program. People do not speak this way. Your action lines are poorly
written. I'll give one example:

“They have gimme five.” I know what you mean but an English speaking
writer would not write it that way. I will not offer a more “American”
way to write “They have gimme five” because I know you don't want
anyone to tamper with a word of your work and you see any attempts
to help you with accurate translations as self righteousness. Perhaps
someday you will allow someone to help. Until then what you write
here is unreadable.

 

[redbluewhite85]

Immediately stop the unconstitutional behavior of language discrimination

1，Do you know 14th Amendment to the United States Constitution?

2. Immediately stop the unconstitutional behavior of language discrimination!

3, I don't absolutely believe in you who has the language ability to write a screenplay.

4，Unless post your screenplay by yourself independently completing.

 

[directorik]

1，Do you know 14th Amendment to the United States Constitution?

I do. It says no State shall deprive any person of life, liberty, or
property, without due process of law.

Are YOU familiar with the 14th Amendment to the United States
Constitution?

2. Immediately stop the unconstitutional behavior of language discrimination!

I will not stop. Because there is no language discrimination here. You
are free to write anything you want in any way you want. You are
ignorant of what the 14th Amendment to the United States Constitution
says. It is not "unconstitutional" to voice my opinion about your writing.

Please continue posting your script. I will continue to offer my opinion.

 

[buscando]

Finally we're getting somewhere. It's a place really far away though.
On the positive side, your Theme Song is easier to understand. Maybe if you think of your dialog like song lyrics it would come out better.

 

[redbluewhite85]

Screen 2

4, EXT.GREENWOOD AVENUE-DAY
JOANNA（V.O.）
Dazhi Tang, did trick, how annoying！
Dazhi Tang runs out the bushes.
DAZHI TANG
Scud, have you led the running again？！
JOANNA
（seeing elsewhere）
You’d apply a scheme. I can't fight you.
DAZHI TANG
Just kidded around, didn't take it seriously. I'm behind you, you’ll win again. Now，please turn about.
Joanna does according to the request.
DAZHI TANG
Big missy, big beauty, big champion, we conduct Olympic Games Award Ceremony.
Dazhi Tang offers wildflower.Joanna smells,runs. Dazhi Tang follows.

5，EXT.HARMONY PAVILION-DAY
With a cigarette in her mouth，Margaret applauds. Joanna sprints. Dazhi Tang canters.
MARGARET
（stretching thumb）
How about？ Is Joanna very powerful?
DAZHI TANG
（making a bow with hands folded in front）
I've received your prompt. A really and truly extraordinary skill！
JOANNA
You're modest. I belong to inaccurate designation！
MARGARET
Joanna is 1.65 meters,but her legs are very developed; your height is 1.85 meters, obviously trends thin. Therefore, there's a difference in the strength between you and Joanna.
DAZHI TANG
You're an analyst, put it right.
JOANNA
Stop！Margaret, not so loquacious.

6，EXT.HARMONY PAVILION-DAY
MARGARET
（being unhappy）
As an athlete, Joanna worked hard, hasn't she been? Then I was a coach and referee, could it be said that it’s not important? Why have I got less?
DAZHI TANG
（laughing）
I'm sorry. Originally being the same. Because you smoked a bit much, so I deliberately reduced one piece. Now can I give you it?
MARGARET
Just about right. Tell you, Dazhi Tang, both of us are cousins, we’re friends too. So you must treat us equally！
DAZHI TANG
All right! I'll pay attention to this problem.
Joanna gives Dazhi Tang a reel.
JOANNA
You haven't had. You're thirsty too, quickly eat.
DAZHI TANG
You're very kind. To be honest，you don't understand. In peacetime, I wouldn't touch.
Dazhi Tang returns the reel to Joanna.
DAZHI TANG（CONT’D）
Because,World Health Organization has got the conclusion after investigation：there's a harmfulness to be addicted to sugar, more than smoking. If consume the food of high sugar content long, human health will be damaged.
Margaret and Joanna look each other.

 

[indietalk]

There is no point to this. I'm not sure what you are trying to accomplish. You refuse feedback but insist on posting this scene-by-scene, or, are writing in realtime. Maybe a blog is a better place for this as here, I am not sure of the point and this is the 3rd go around. Closed.