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1/4 page scene direction

I'm entering a small competition, where I need to write 1/4 page scene direction. No dialog allowed.
What do you think of this?

EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF AUSCHWITZ- EARLY MORNING

Jakub, third prisoner in a group, stands next to Helena along a bullet riddled wall. He glances at her. Her eyes glimmer with tears. He takes her weak hand.

Their blindfolds tighten. Germans cycle their rifles.

BANG. A dull thump. Their hands clench one another. Reload.

BANG. Helena jerks. Jakub holds her firmly as her fingers weaken. Reload.

Jakub tenses up. He grasps Helena's lifeless hand--

BANG.

Does this work as a short scene? Anything I should change or add to create more of a punch?

Or should I just delete the third person? But then it feels like the intensity soft of dies out...

EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF AUSCHWITZ- EARLY MORNING

Jakub stands next to Helena along a bullet riddled wall. He glances at her. Her eyes glimmer with tears. He takes her weak hand.

Their blindfolds tighten. Germans cycle their rifles.

BANG. Helena jerks. Jakub holds her firmly as her fingers weaken. Reload.

Jakub tenses up. He grasps Helena's lifeless hand--

BANG.
 
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heres my take on it..

EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF AUSCHWITZ- EARLY MORNING

We see two prisoners, a man dressed in dirty prisoner clothes, standing next to a woman in a ragged torn dress, surrounding them are 4 guards dressed in army uniform holding guns and wearing gasmasks.

We see both the woman and man crying and shaking with fear, one of the guards pulls the womans hair towards his face, we can barely see his eye through the mask, the focus switches from his eye to the glass eye piece of the mask where we can see a reflection of the woman crying out.

The other prisoner screams in slow motion while struggling to break free two guards restrain him while the third rushes over and bucks him on the head.

We see the male prisoners POV which switches continuously to third person and back, the male prisoner is held by his arms by the two guards and the third grabs his hair pulling it upwards forcing him to watch the female prisoner being hit by the 4th guard.

The fourth guard then slowly turns to the male prisoner pointing at the female prisoner, who then hoists his gun into position aiming at the female prisoner while she covers her head the guard walks up to her and places the nozzle of the gun in her mouth then turns to face the male prisoner..... BANG

We see the male prisoner cry in slow motion shaking his head and trying to break free, the third guard walks to the male prisoner and places the nozzle of his gun into his mouth, lifting it up forcing the man to stand up, the guard then drags him next to the dead female prisoner.

The guard kicks him in the groin, the prisoner falls on the ground the guard grabs the prisoners hand and places it on the gun trigger, he then puts the gun nozzle back in the prisoners mouth.

we see the guards eye through the mask, we switch to the prisoners eye, theres a loud bang and the prisoners eye rolls backwards and closes.
 
I think what you've got here is pretty good. I'd keep the third person, but I would perhaps consider having a tear roll out from behind Helena's blindfold after he is shot, as she knows she's next. Or perhaps her lip would quiver as she fight back the tears. Jakub squeezing her hand would be to offer comfort.

That would only add an extra line. Would that fit in your 1/4 page?
 
I don't understand "their blindfolds tighten"
how do they tighten as if by magic.. did someone do the tightening? were they on before, but loose?

if they were blindfolded how are they glancing at each other and shimmering tears in their eyes
 
Of course it's the magic blindfold. just like Marty McFly's shoes from back to the future 2 :-D

I didn't want to focus on specifying that SOMEBODY was tying a blindfold. This is a scene with two people, who share last moments of life together, and by specifying a soldier tying a blindfold would take away that intimacy for me.

That's why I excluded a third person in a line up. To make their experience more intimate and secluded.

Mad hatter, I like the idea of having a tear rolling down her face. I tried to see maybe as their blind go on, their experience of the world slowly reduces to just a touch and a sound. And I wanted to convey that in the script as well.

Baolium, it is an extremely difficult topic to convey in 1/4 page. That's why I want to do that :)

Im just trying to play with different things here, see what works and what doesn't. :)
 
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But anyways? Here is a final version that I submitted, if anybody's interested.. Crossing fingers :)

EXT. outskirts of auschwitz - morning

1938. Jakub and Helena aligned against a bullet riddled wall. He glances at her. Her eyes glimmer with tears. He takes her thin hand.

Their blindfolds tighten. Germans cycle their rifles.

BANG. Helena jerks. Jakub holds her firmly as her fingers weaken. Reload.

Jakub tenses up. He grasps Helena's lifeless hand--

BANG.
 
EXT. outskirts of auschwitz - morning

1938. Jakub and Helena aligned against a bullet riddled wall. He glances at her. Her eyes glimmer with tears. He takes her thin hand.

Blindfolds drop across their eyes and are yanked tight. Germans cycle their rifles.

BANG. Helena jerks. Jakub holds her firmly as her fingers weaken. Reload.

Jakub tenses up. He grasps Helena's lifeless hand--

BANG.



Just my thought.
 
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