I'm entering a small competition, where I need to write 1/4 page scene direction. No dialog allowed.
What do you think of this?
Does this work as a short scene? Anything I should change or add to create more of a punch?
Or should I just delete the third person? But then it feels like the intensity soft of dies out...
What do you think of this?
EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF AUSCHWITZ- EARLY MORNING
Jakub, third prisoner in a group, stands next to Helena along a bullet riddled wall. He glances at her. Her eyes glimmer with tears. He takes her weak hand.
Their blindfolds tighten. Germans cycle their rifles.
BANG. A dull thump. Their hands clench one another. Reload.
BANG. Helena jerks. Jakub holds her firmly as her fingers weaken. Reload.
Jakub tenses up. He grasps Helena's lifeless hand--
BANG.
Does this work as a short scene? Anything I should change or add to create more of a punch?
Or should I just delete the third person? But then it feels like the intensity soft of dies out...
EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF AUSCHWITZ- EARLY MORNING
Jakub stands next to Helena along a bullet riddled wall. He glances at her. Her eyes glimmer with tears. He takes her weak hand.
Their blindfolds tighten. Germans cycle their rifles.
BANG. Helena jerks. Jakub holds her firmly as her fingers weaken. Reload.
Jakub tenses up. He grasps Helena's lifeless hand--
BANG.
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