Hi, I have borrowed my girlfriends computer (which does not have a functioning question mark key!) so hereès my brutal review...
Page 1 - Why famous - that particular vehicle famous - looks like waste of white space
Without an insert, how does the audience know that there was no tip
Contractions like doesn t should not be used outside of dialogue - looks sloppy
On phone - land line or mobile (I am presuming land line)
over images of clogged... is NOT a style of speech, but description
Page 2- There are two passages by the news reporter without any intervening action of dialogue by other character. Surely this should have simply (beat) or (Pause) instead
He locks his eyes with the camera - what camera - one he is holding or a tourists - if this is the one being used to make this movie itself with, it should be in CAPITALS - the CAMERA is ALWAYS in CAPITALS unless it ia merely a prop.
Page 3 - Locks eyes seems to be an overused phrase - tedious
Characters seem to have no indication of their age.
GAURD is a mistype
Page 4 Locks eyes again - becoming irritating
Page 7 Disintegrating them like nothing is poor and well below the writing standard that is set by the rest.
WHat it the point of the RUN!!! piece of dialogue
Page 11 - If cafeteria is used in the slugline why is it immediately used in the descriptive paragraph as well - lost opportunity to use another descriptive noun
MAybe you should listen to your own character Luis - The Prophet does wear a robe just like all the others - he is actually rather steroetypical. Consider, if you will, for a moment the Evening Standard newspaper in London, England. For many decades, they had writing for them an astrologer, Patric Walker - a million Londoners would buy the paper JUST to read his daily horoscope. So who was Patric Walker - he was an ex-coal miner who always dressed in a fabulously expensive classic business suit with a silk tie and top of the line fine English brogues - he looked more BANK CEO than most actual Bank CEOs and he never NEVER had a Tarot card nor a crystal ball within a 100 miles of him in any photos.
Page 14 - We see .... There is NO WE in a screenplay. It is like a well written write up for a science experiment. Things ARE SEEN not WE SEE - Furthermore, most top writers argue, say the words and instead of typing WE SEE A BOY PLAYING WITH A BALL just and only write A BOY PLAYS WITH A BALL.
He slings his backpack up where - in a tree - on the roof or where
getting ....OWWW!!! Get is LOUSY diction. Never, never use it outside of dialogue ...and even thats questionable. Get can ALWAYS be replaced by more interesting and descriptive verbs.
OWWWWWWWW!!!! Two gets in one paragraph!!!!!!!!!
Page 15 - Parentheicals are adverbial so POLITE should be POLITELY
In one sentence, one dad starts with a capital and the other not. Hardly consistent.
Page 16 - If you are talking about prophets, is it sensible to have a character called Noah
Page 17 - STILL no ages of characters. Is Belle a child... or maybe a 40-year old retard
CAMERA in small letters again.
Page 18 - Stressed speech should be UNDERLINED NOT IN CAPITALS - ONLY USE CAPITAL WHEN THEY ARE SCREAMING SO HARD THAT THEY CAN BE HEARD IN BAFFIN ISLAND CANADA!
Page 19 - Just which TV company keeps a Prophetic Analyst - they would have a journalist with a more realistic title.
Page 22 - I cannot figure out why the Government worker stumbbles through the doors puking his guts out
Page 22 and 23 - Spare blank lines
Page 24 - News reporter is seriously into monologue territory.
Page 25 WTF is a wife beater
More blank spare lines
Page 29 more blank lines - SLOPPY!!!
Up to page 31, it is wonderfully written, yet, somehow, I get that feeling that is sounds just like the average American action flick - we ve seen it all before.