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anyone want to critique the first act of my scifi thriller?

Overall, I really like it. There are spelling and formatting problems. One that bothered me in particular:
Code:
                NEWS REPORTER
       (over images of clogged 
       runways and overflowing 
       airport terminals)

   Airports around the world ...
Don't use parentheticals to hold description/action information like that. It's okay to write in the action line preceding the dialogue: "Images flash behind the reporter of clogged runways and overflowing airport terminals."

I believe you meant this to then have BEGIN TITLE: "END OF THE SUN" at the bottom of page 7. However, unless you're shooting this yourself, it's not appropriate in a spec script, only a shooting script. The director is responsible for making the selection of the opening sequence.

I found the story engaging.
 
100% TOTAL FAILURE!!!

Why?

Breaks Rule 101 of screenwriting - Have it in a readible format. I CANNOT OPEN IT BEYOND THE TITLE PAGE. So, you might complain about my aging system, but many small production companies are cash-strapped and might not have the most up-to-date software.

So, send it to a company with the same software as mine and its file 13 straight away.
 
100% TOTAL FAILURE!!!

Why?

Breaks Rule 101 of screenwriting - Have it in a readible format. I CANNOT OPEN IT BEYOND THE TITLE PAGE. So, you might complain about my aging system, but many small production companies are cash-strapped and might not have the most up-to-date software.

So, send it to a company with the same software as mine and its file 13 straight away.
Uh, best update your system then. PDFs are the industry standard. Seems like you're limiting your company if you can't read PDFs online. This is viewable with Firefox and the PDF plugin. This is not a fail on the writer's side. This worked well once his link was properly set up. You may want to update your configuration. There are probably other opportunities you're missing as a result.
 
I can read PDF's, but I cannot read it through that system. All I get is thetop of the title page.

Another guy on here used another system that worked just fine for his PDF.

At root is the fundametnal conept that there are only two types of screenwriters in the world...

1. Those that don't take criticism and hand out reasons why its the reader's fault.
2. Those who have their works produced.

And these two are mutually exclusive.

Which category do you fall into?
 
At root is the fundametnal conept that there are only two types of screenwriters in the world...

1. Those that don't take criticism and hand out reasons why its the reader's fault.
2. Those who have their works produced.

And these two are mutually exclusive.

Which category do you fall into?
So I take it, you fall in category #1.

You seem to blame every post asking script advice claiming it's their fault that your system can't process what the majority of the rest of us can. It's unfortunate you can't read the script, but it's not a reflection of the script but your computer's browser. The writer can't fix that for you. The OP seems open to getting feedback and suggestions.

It's helpful to offer advice to illustrate how to make improvements, not just throw insults and barbs. Anyone can talk trash. It's more impressive to be constructive in your comments. At IndieTalk, we recognize that every writer starts somewhere. If you have to build yourself up by tearing others down, there are lots of other "script advice" sites to troll. Here, trolls frequently get banned.
 
Anyone have a suggestion for another way to link that is more accessible? Never knew this was an issue as it has always worked for us.

Also fantasySci-Fi, interested in the next 30 pages?
 
OS 10.4 Tiger was released in 2005.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDhK2-jU0SY&feature=player_detailpage#t=347
There is apparently only so much one can do to make it compatible to a system that is basicly 10 years old.
http://www.w3counter.com/globalstats.php
It seems about 6% uses OS X. Of that percentage we can only guess how many/few people still use 10.4.

@Editor: I understand your frustration, but it is easy to blame the gasstation for not selling coal anymore. If you can provide the settings that make it possible for others to save it in a way that you can read it as well, that would be very helpfull for everyone.

@ diamondwind:
what options do you have to (or can) choose from when saving it as PDF?

BTW, I'm curious to read more :)
 
Hi, I have borrowed my girlfriends computer (which does not have a functioning question mark key!) so hereès my brutal review...

Page 1 - Why famous - that particular vehicle famous - looks like waste of white space
Without an insert, how does the audience know that there was no tip
Contractions like doesn t should not be used outside of dialogue - looks sloppy
On phone - land line or mobile (I am presuming land line)
over images of clogged... is NOT a style of speech, but description
Page 2- There are two passages by the news reporter without any intervening action of dialogue by other character. Surely this should have simply (beat) or (Pause) instead
He locks his eyes with the camera - what camera - one he is holding or a tourists - if this is the one being used to make this movie itself with, it should be in CAPITALS - the CAMERA is ALWAYS in CAPITALS unless it ia merely a prop.
Page 3 - Locks eyes seems to be an overused phrase - tedious
Characters seem to have no indication of their age.
GAURD is a mistype
Page 4 Locks eyes again - becoming irritating
Page 7 Disintegrating them like nothing is poor and well below the writing standard that is set by the rest.
WHat it the point of the RUN!!! piece of dialogue
Page 11 - If cafeteria is used in the slugline why is it immediately used in the descriptive paragraph as well - lost opportunity to use another descriptive noun

MAybe you should listen to your own character Luis - The Prophet does wear a robe just like all the others - he is actually rather steroetypical. Consider, if you will, for a moment the Evening Standard newspaper in London, England. For many decades, they had writing for them an astrologer, Patric Walker - a million Londoners would buy the paper JUST to read his daily horoscope. So who was Patric Walker - he was an ex-coal miner who always dressed in a fabulously expensive classic business suit with a silk tie and top of the line fine English brogues - he looked more BANK CEO than most actual Bank CEOs and he never NEVER had a Tarot card nor a crystal ball within a 100 miles of him in any photos.

Page 14 - We see .... There is NO WE in a screenplay. It is like a well written write up for a science experiment. Things ARE SEEN not WE SEE - Furthermore, most top writers argue, say the words and instead of typing WE SEE A BOY PLAYING WITH A BALL just and only write A BOY PLAYS WITH A BALL.

He slings his backpack up where - in a tree - on the roof or where

getting ....OWWW!!! Get is LOUSY diction. Never, never use it outside of dialogue ...and even thats questionable. Get can ALWAYS be replaced by more interesting and descriptive verbs.
OWWWWWWWW!!!! Two gets in one paragraph!!!!!!!!!
Page 15 - Parentheicals are adverbial so POLITE should be POLITELY
In one sentence, one dad starts with a capital and the other not. Hardly consistent.
Page 16 - If you are talking about prophets, is it sensible to have a character called Noah
Page 17 - STILL no ages of characters. Is Belle a child... or maybe a 40-year old retard
CAMERA in small letters again.
Page 18 - Stressed speech should be UNDERLINED NOT IN CAPITALS - ONLY USE CAPITAL WHEN THEY ARE SCREAMING SO HARD THAT THEY CAN BE HEARD IN BAFFIN ISLAND CANADA!
Page 19 - Just which TV company keeps a Prophetic Analyst - they would have a journalist with a more realistic title.
Page 22 - I cannot figure out why the Government worker stumbbles through the doors puking his guts out
Page 22 and 23 - Spare blank lines
Page 24 - News reporter is seriously into monologue territory.
Page 25 WTF is a wife beater
More blank spare lines
Page 29 more blank lines - SLOPPY!!!


Up to page 31, it is wonderfully written, yet, somehow, I get that feeling that is sounds just like the average American action flick - we ve seen it all before.
 
Second tranche...

STRAIGHT FROM THE HARPER COLLINS DICTIONARY OF TRADITIONAL CLICHE LINES..............

Page 31- Dad, do you think this has something to do with...
Page 31 - We need to get off the road.
Page 31 Zach, Accidents happen.
Page 32 Zach, we re going to be fine.
Page 32 - I won t let anything happen
Page 33 - We re losing control
Page 35 - Then, one day, you realise
Page 36 - Copy, over (a truly needless line)
Page 49 - There was nothing we could do
They coming - We better go
Page 59 - It will buy us some time
Page 63 - (stoically) Madness.

Lines like there are Triple A rated, solid leaden cliches

San Bernardino - Does the whole world happen near the studios in LA - CLICHE CHARACTERS DOING CLICHE THINGS IN CLICHE PLACES AS THEY SAY CLICHE LINES.

Riot Police hold them back with shields and batons - what else would they be holding them back with - bad breathe - vibrators - stale donuts

Pins the accelerator over used and poor quality phrase.

A LOT of pages have now been read that are just the usual American tripe about ordinary people in the run from unrealistic stereotypes. This is really weighing heavily.

PAGE 43 - WE SEE cardinal sin YET AGAIN.
Does NO-ONE in the Presidents cabinet or elsewhere have a basic humanity to them - CLICHE VILLAINS

Page 35 - OH NO, NO, NO - You havent seriously, I mean seriously got your main character monologue about his boyhood memories - Is this supposed to be asend up film about cliches

SHOW FEAR - DON T TELL IT!!!!!!!!!!

Page 36 - CHaracter COP is NOT in capitals when first mentioned and again f**k all description about him.
And, when the casting agent is asked for an actor to play COP, just how will she recognise WHICH cop in the script with no description inherent in the name

Page 52 - OMG!!! Now you ve got hillbillie America!!! This has descended into a very, very, vary bad episode of THE DUKE OF HAZZARD. Your opening was so fabulous I was seriously thinking WTF am I doing trying to compete with writers as good as this in Festivals - I am wasting my time and money, but it dropped sharply once Zach appears and has been sinking like a stone ever since. This is gut-wrenching trying to continue - it is so awful.

The term COMPOUND is ALWAYS associated with BAD GUYS - This is destroying your own audiences support for the protagonists.

PAGE 55 - Becoming clear extreme overuse of the word JUST - particularly in descriptive paragraphs.

Page 56 - Pre-dawn MEANS just before dawn - Hey, I see you managed to squeeze in YET ANOTHER use of the word JUST.

Page 57 - Spare lines YET AGAIN - Sloppy!!!!!!!!!

Page 58 - Another piece of what - shit - piece of the story - (wish he would!)

Page 58 - Very bad to have two characters with similar names Westman and Wiseman.

Page 58 to 59 - When you run out of any form of story, just have the characters start shooting at each other.

Page 60 - Characters are monolgueing so badly I had to abandon reading it outright. It reads like walking through treacle.

PAGE 62 - OMG - They re on the run YET AGAIN. YAWNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!

Page 63 - If Richard is using his phone, why cant the authorities trace him the way the FBI are supposed to have done for Zach

Page 64 - Hideous monologueing.

page 65 - Figures is out of alignment
 
A bunch of stereotype cliches, riding around being shot at by the authorities who are uncaring and stupid DOES NOT MAKE A MOVIE. We dont care anything about them and frankly wish that they all did die. This feels like nails being dragged down a backboard by page 65. UTTERLY UNIMAGINATIVE, CENTRED ON THE SAME OLD AMERICAN WAY-OF-LIFE. Seen worse scripts than this... but, to be honest, itèlls take a while to remember one.
 
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