critique Ziu, the lonely andriod - Feedback on Short sci-fi drama

[Jy_Bubb]

Heyo, I wrote this short script based on themes from the King Gizzard album Murder of the Universe. Had a lot of fun writing it and wanted to see what you guys thought. Thanks!

Script Ziu, the lonely android_Final.pdf

drive.google.com

 

[DrKHawonaha]

It's fun.
Get yourself connected to a 3D animation facility or university. It's perfect animation material.

 

[ShortFilmSensei]

I'm lost as to the flashbacks.

So, I'm guessing the eyes are swap-able to these robots? If so, does that mean the main character robot killed the guy with the blue eyes and took them? And now he is banned to the desert for this reason?

That area needs more refinement. I'd say take that second/final flashback completely out. It ruins the pace of the desert scenes. I was getting really into the story when he saw the dead Mother from before, and then you cut back to orange eyes at the service desk for seemingly no reason.

Once I understand the meaning behind the blue eye swap, then I think everything will make sense.

 

[Jy_Bubb]

It's fun.
Get yourself connected to a 3D animation facility or university. It's perfect animation material.

Thank you! Funnily enough, you're not the first person to suggest that, I'll have to look into it.

 

[Jy_Bubb]

I'm lost as to the flashbacks.

So, I'm guessing the eyes are swap-able to these robots? If so, does that mean the main character robot killed the guy with the blue eyes and took them? And now he is banned to the desert for this reason?

That area needs more refinement. I'd say take that second/final flashback completely out. It ruins the pace of the desert scenes. I was getting really into the story when he saw the dead Mother from before, and then you cut back to orange eyes at the service desk for seemingly no reason.

Once I understand the meaning behind the blue eye swap, then I think everything will make sense.

That's a really interesting take on the story! What I intended to infer was that the stranger implanted some kind of modification on Ziu to make him feel emotions (which also change his eyes blue for thematics sake). That's my bad though, I'll see if I can refine the flashback scene, I'm not a real fan of them either.