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Who wants to read a script??! Yay!

My friend and I wrote a low-budget horror script a few years ago and recently broke it out to see if there is a potential movie there. We've done some re-writes and fine tuning, but at this point, we don't know what else to do with it to give it that special "umphf!".

If anyone is willing to take a look at it and give me some feedback or any ideas to make the story better, I would greatly appreciate it!

The script is about a group of friends who go up into a cabin in the woods for a ski trip. A massive snow storm traps them and they soon realize that they are near the same location as the infamous Donner party, which ends up causing them some problems.

We are looking to budget this for @ 25k.

I have the script as a final draft or as a pdf file. Feel free to PM me or email me directly at robmr2004 at aol.com

If the movie does get made, I will make sure you get a "special thanks" credit.

Thanks,
Robert
 
My friend and I wrote a low-budget horror script a few years ago and recently broke it out to see if there is a potential movie there. We've done some re-writes and fine tuning, but at this point, we don't know what else to do with it to give it that special "umphf!".

If anyone is willing to take a look at it and give me some feedback or any ideas to make the story better, I would greatly appreciate it!

The script is about a group of friends who go up into a cabin in the woods for a ski trip. A massive snow storm traps them and they soon realize that they are near the same location as the infamous Donner party, which ends up causing them some problems.

We are looking to budget this for @ 25k.

I have the script as a final draft or as a pdf file. Feel free to PM me or email me directly at robmr2004 at aol.com

If the movie does get made, I will make sure you get a "special thanks" credit.

Thanks,
Robert
just link it.
 
from what i read (up to the bar scene) it's been pretty decent but Seymour doesnt strike me as a country name. maybe Ned or Jed or even Billy Joe. Seymour is kind of the Name your class Nerd would have. But, thats the only thing I would change.
 
Good point about the name. We both knew a weird guy named Seymour, which is who we loosely based him on. But if his names brings up images of a "nerd" type guy, that isn't a good thing. I'll add this to my growing list of changes needed.

Thanks :)
 
You know what's spooky? I came up with that same title several years ago and wrote an entire outline for a script based on it, but the premise is very different. Too bad it wasn't registered. Great title! :)
 
First thing I noticed, unless you're planning to pitch yourself as the director as well as the writer, don't direct the film in the script. Eliminate references to camera and camera movement. A spec script should just tell the story, not direct the film. That is reserved for the shooting script.
 
I am constantly striving to master spec format because it is ultimately what gets your script read versus trashed. I've studied a lot over the years, and below are some common mistakes I've actually edited out of my own scripts a time or two.

Always use active voice. For example, instead of this:

Everyone is asleep, except for the bleary-eyed driver, MICHAEL, a tall,
athletic man, who is singing quietly along to the music on
the radio.

Use this:

Everyone sleeps, except for the bleary-eyed driver, MICHAEL, a tall,
athletic man, who sings quietly along to the music on
the radio.

Eliminate references such as "we see" and "we hear". Instead of this:

Michael and Karen get out. Jerry turns around to the seat
behind him where WE SEE the truck’s final two occupants
sleeping soundly amongst the piles of luggage.

Use this:

Michael and Karen get out. Jerry turns around to the seat
behind him where the truck’s final two occupants
sleep soundly amongst the piles of luggage.

And unless you plan to get an endorsement from Chevrolet, don't make reference to a particular make and model of vehicle unless it is important to the plot or a particular character. Instead of a "Suburban" make it a full-sized SUV. Suburbans handle horribly in the snow, anyway. A 4x4 Tahoe would make a better choice. :)

I've read the "good looking but doesn't know it" cliche' a thousand times now. Actually, make it 1001.

The use of "Continued" as scene carries over to another page isn't necessary until you get to the shooting script. A reader will know the scene continues until he/she gets to the next slugline.

No "Cut to" between scenes. A cut or transition is implied by the new scene heading.

Avoid direction in dialogue unless absolutely necessary. In this line, "To Michael" is redundant because the dialogue clearly shows that Matt is talking to Mike:

MATT
Okay.
(to Michael)
Hey, Mike, we’re going inside. You
coming?

Okay, I'll stop nit picking on format and just read the story now. :)
 
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I could be wrong but...

I am constantly striving to master spec format because it is ultimately what gets your script read versus trashed. I've studied a lot over the years, and below are some common mistakes I've actually edited out of my own scripts a time or two.

Always use active voice. For example, instead of this:



Use this:



Eliminate references such as "we see" and "we hear". Instead of this:



Use this:



And unless you plan to get an endorsement from Chevrolet, don't make reference to a particular make and model of vehicle unless it is important to the plot or a particular character. Instead of a "Suburban" make it a full-sized SUV. Suburbans handle horribly in the snow, anyway. A 4x4 Tahoe would make a better choice. :)

I've read the "good looking but doesn't know it" cliche' a thousand times now. Actually, make it 1001.

The use of "Continued" as scene carries over to another page isn't necessary until you get to the shooting script. A reader will know the scene continues until he/she gets to the next slugline.

No "Cut to" between scenes. A cut or transition is implied by the new scene heading.

Avoid direction in dialogue unless absolutely necessary. In this line, "To Michael" is redundant because the dialogue clearly shows that Matt is talking to Mike:



Okay, I'll stop nit picking on format and just read the story now. :)
If I read the beginning of this thread correctly, you guys hope to shoot this on your own for a budget of $25K?

If that assumption is correct, then DO NOT TAKE OUT any of the direction if you think that by leaving it in there that you're going to end up having an easier time shooting it.

Definitely take it out or rewrite it so it's not so obvious should you decide to put the script up on the market...

I'd read it but I really don't have the time right now... But as for active vs. passive voice -- again, if this script is going to be in your possession and you guys are going to shoot it, then write it the best way you can to get your ideas and plot across.

You really do not have to worry about taking out format, active vs. passive voice, and directing elements unless you plan on trying to market the script as a spec.

Good luck with it!

filmy
 
If I read the beginning of this thread correctly, you guys hope to shoot this on your own for a budget of $25K?

If that assumption is correct, then DO NOT TAKE OUT any of the direction if you think that by leaving it in there that you're going to end up having an easier time shooting it.

Definitely take it out or rewrite it so it's not so obvious should you decide to put the script up on the market...

I'd read it but I really don't have the time right now... But as for active vs. passive voice -- again, if this script is going to be in your possession and you guys are going to shoot it, then write it the best way you can to get your ideas and plot across.

You really do not have to worry about taking out format, active vs. passive voice, and directing elements unless you plan on trying to market the script as a spec.

Good luck with it!

filmy

I plan to direct my own movie, but I started with spec format to showcase it to potential talent. They don't need to get bogged down by camera movements, scene transitions, and parenthetical directions. They just need to understand the story, right? I'll turn it into a shooting script once I've locked the story and the scenes (and number them). To me, it doesn't matter whether it will be sold or directed myself. Why not get in the habit early on? If you develop bad habits now, it will hurt when and if you write something for sale.

I guess everyone does things differently. Whatever works.

Incidentally, didn't you write the book on this stuff here? :)

http://www.indietalk.com/showthread.php?t=9753
 
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As I said in my reply to your PM...

I plan to direct my own movie, but I started with spec format to showcase it to potential talent. They don't need to get bogged down by camera movements, scene transitions, and parenthetical directions. They just need to understand the story, right? I'll turn it into a shooting script once I've locked the story and the scenes (and number them). To me, it doesn't matter whether it will be sold or directed myself. Why not get in the habit early on? If you develop bad habits now, it will hurt when and if you write something for sale.

I guess everyone does things differently. Whatever works.

Incidentally, didn't you write the book on this stuff here? :)

http://www.indietalk.com/showthread.php?t=9753

This is mainly a filmmaker's forum and as such, most of the members here do not aspire to write screenplays for a living WHICH IS WHY, I wrote what I wrote but they do aspire to write their own screenplays and make their own films.

It wasn't meant to be contradictory to you at all... It was meant to be add-on advice and I'm pretty sure that I've said the same exact thing many times before... Your link notwithstanding.

I will admit that it's always better to write professionally from the get-go but at the same time, if someone prefers NOT to do that but still wants to write and make their own films, who are WE to tell them NOT to do it their way?

I make my living by writing screenplays and if anyone was going to TOUT to someone else to do it THE RIGHT WAY, you'd think it'd be me.

Nope.

I'd rather see someone GET IT DONE.

I'll go ahead and ASSUME that IF anyone eventually wants to write professionally, they'll go ahead and perform the necessary research on how to accomplish that.

filmy
 
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