white lions- logline and first 4 pages of script

hey guys.
so this is something I'm working on and I couldn't choose between these two, and i couldn't resist spoiling the story a bit:

- A psychedelic adventure of a drug-dealer father whose daughter is kidnapped after nightmares of white lions.
OR
-A drug dealer has to cope with problems of being a single father and manage his reoccurring nightmares about white lions wanting his child.


here's a link to the first 4 pages of the script. would you want to read more of it? does it spark interest?

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1PEJ801FrMUE2Ms86yQiQGhr3oYT32jMz/view?usp=sharing


It is a psychedelic and gothic story about a single father who is a part of a drug smuggling small gang who sells in the subways. He starts to see hallucinations of white statues of lions, chasing him and repeatedly telling him to "return the child". Confused by these messages and dreams, he starts taking some sleeping pills.Little by little, he uses more dosages of sleep medications. One night while he is asleep, his phone rings and the voice messages are from his co-workers, telling him to run away and that they had been caught. He doesn't wake up, and the next morning the child is gone. Next morning, he finds a a note that has an address on it, signed simply Lion. He immediately faints and goes to sleep. The lions appear again, this time they are covering his infant's empty crib, and the rest is black. He sees the lions jumping to the side, and the scene changes. He sees himself standing in a doorway, and a room where a woman is looking at herself in the mirror. The child is playing on the ground. The lions suddenly attack and seem to bite the child and eat their prey. Although the child's physical form is unchanged, he starts crying, gradually louder until he is screaming. That is when the mother picks her up, scattering the group of lions. The animals -staring into the camera- are suddenly aware of the man's presence, and run toward him. He wakes up. He takes the last box he was selling to the address. When he arrives to the meeting, right after a car pulls up close by, he hears her daughter screaming. The lions suddenly fill the streets, white and golden colors blurring the view, and the man is struck by a sudden wave of madness. He starts battling the gunmen to try to reach the voice and to scare the lions. He is shot, and in the closing image, we see from the child's point of view. She reaches her hand curiously to grab the lions face, and it is immediately tamed.



I'm a total beginner so all tips, critique and comments appreciated. Thanks for your time!
 
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It’s a bit tough to understand what’s going on in your story. It could be your english or it could be the peculiar nature of the concepts you have in mind for this story. Whatever the case, we don’t usually call a movie psychedelic as it is a term often used for music. Same goes for gothic, gothic is not a genre, it’s an ambient set up. And more importantly , what is the genre of your story? Is it a surreal story? Or is it drama? Or horror? If your story is surrealistic, then I can’t really help you in terms of your narration or script structure( you know ,being surrealistic and all). But if that’s not the case and you are trying to send a clear message through this graphic scenes , (like the struggles of a single father and his responsibilties towards his kid) you should try to write your story in a more meaningful way. For example: we never understand why the father is a drug dealer and how his business affects the story? Why specifically a drug dealer? There are so many unanswered questions. Why his partners got caught? Who caught them? Police? Who took the kid? If all these scenes are imaginary then you should explain that. Overall your synopsis reads as if it’s been written by someone who hasn’t figured out their story yet. It’s mostly just ambient description. And your 4 pages need some formatting and editing as it is suffering ( not gravely though) from grammatical problems, and wrong word usage. Also you don’t need to constantly mention scene transitions when all the stuff is happening in one room( that’s the job of the director) that only adds unnecassary info to your script and prolongs it.
 
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indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
The script is so out there, the logline has to be simple. You can't condense all you want to with such a psychedelic script. Leave out particulars, like lions. Stick more to hallucinations in general, the overall story, etc.
 

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
Why does he sell drugs? Can you put that in the logline? Should we feel compassion for a drug dealer? That's important. Otherwise he is just some drug dealer. Lots of single dad drug dealers out there. If he is not a dead beat dad, let us know.
 
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