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critique Vanishing Point (15 pages) - Sci Fi Short Film - looking for feedback and advice on how to improve

S

scrawlx1012

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FEEDBACK
Took a writing hiatus of two/three months but decided to get back on the saddle by doing short bursts and eventually finished this short film screenplay.
Would really appreciate feedback on what I've written? Its intended to be a low budget short film but I was wondering about the following:
  1. Is the plot small enough for a small short film or are there too many moving parts?
  2. Are the characters interesting? How can I make them better?
  3. How can I improve my dialogue?
  4. What are your thoughts on my action lines?
  5. 5. Any youtube links would be helpful too - i'm trying to be a sponge

Link to script: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1rCIppG0SX0AXc1EEq6d5DrFv-1JE2VLt/view?usp=sharing
 
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The other day I was parking outside the grocery store and I saw a woman with a shirt that said "*You're" so I parked my car and walked over to her and said "I just had to say I love your shirt!" And then we both laughed and she said she was an english teacher, and then I walked away.

Anyway the POINT of this story is that your very first line of dialogue you are using Your instead of You're, it's not a great first impression for your readers, it makes it seem like you didn't bother to even read your own script that you are asking other people to read. Always read your own stuff before you ask anyone else to read it.

MOVING ON
You want a script to be read as fast as possible! Don't SLOW DOWN the reader.

Stuff like this

"
Kane stares at his ring.
Kane takes off his ring.
He knocks on the door.
A beat passes.
"

Is a LOT to read compared to "Kane stares at his ring -- removes it -- knocks on the door."
Saying a beat passes is kind of unnessary since it's implied.. it would be really strange and worth mentioning if the door immediately opened the second he knocked, but otherwise people just assume that it takes a moment before anyone answers a door.

This way it's only ONE single line instead of FOUR lines, it just reads way faster and is more pleasant for your reader.

"
The door opens to reveal PENELOPE (27).
KANE
Hello Ms Smith, I'm here for your
boiler?"
"

This is pretty weird, you introduce her as Penelope then IMMEDIATELY call her by a different name, its just bizarre to me!!
You should instead say The door opens to reveal PENELOPE SMITH (27) if you are going to be using her surname in the dialogue

I don't understand why Kane is confused about why he is there? Why is he talking in questions? Shouldn't he know why he's there?
"
PENELOPE
No its not. It's quiet. A
politician needs privacy and space.
That's why me and David moved here?"
"

Same for Penelope, why are you characters so confused about why they are where they are?
Penelope is questioning why she moved out there and Kane is questioning why he is there too, it's a strange form of writing.

That's all Im gonna do of the microlevel stuff, I'm just gonna skim through the rest now and give you a macro view opinion

"David lands a solid blow on Kane's stomach. Knocking the window out of him."

knock black and white GIF



There is no "we see" in a script
"We see David touching Penelope's pregnant belly." is not how scripts are written, otherwise EVERY SINGLE LINE in the entire script would begin with "we see" . If its in a script then we SEE it, thats how scripts work, you don't need to say we see.


Well I finished it although I did skim over the last 10 pages, it wasn't really grabbing my attention.
The dialogue wasn't nuanced enough to be interesting and the plot was kind of confusing to me at the end, maybe because I skimmed.

Typically in a feature length script by page 12 you would expect to already be at the 'refusal of a call', and just going by that metric I'd say your short film is actually SLOWER PACED than a feature length film, which is truly the opposite of what I would expect or want. I want short films to be even FASTER PACED, not slower.
 
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First: @sfoster that's a GREAT story :)

Second: I agree with all of your points.

I only read the first 5 pages (that's my standard for things I haven't been hired to critique) but it definitely is slow getting started.

Also, in addition to your/you're, the apostrophes are missing for "it's" - the conjunction of "it is" rather than the possessive.

You can also get rid of unnecessary lines like "Penelope ushers Kane inside."

And if your slug line tells me that they're in the kitchen, you don't need "Penelope leads Kane into the kitchen."

The dialogue is very bland and does little to move the story forward.

So yeah, tighten it up and get to the heart of your story quickly.

Good luck with it!
 
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sfoster said:
Anyway the POINT of this story is that your very first line of dialogue you are using Your instead of You're, it's not a great first impression for your readers, it makes it seem like you didn't bother to even read your own script that you are asking other people to read. Always read your own stuff before you ask anyone else to read it.
Click to expand...
I don't mean to pile on, but yea, it matters. Like "it's" instead of "its" (if you can replace "it's" with "it is," then no apostrophe.) Stuff like this can creep in, I know, but you, we, should all proofread one more time. :)

And an "omit needless words" pass is always helpful, in making your writing more brisk and readable. So things like "Kane's hand grabs the gun," should at least be "he grabs the gun." And this could be more specific. "Grabs" doesn't seem like the precise word, since the gun is in his pocket, I think--does it remain there? Does he remove it, point it? Maybe "pulls the gun?" Anyway.

This must be annoying reading this, but mlessman and sfoster offer some good notes in taking your writing up a level. We all learn, and continue to learn, this kind of stuff at some point, so don't be discouraged.

Edit: For example, I suddenly wasn't sure if, in the first paragraph above, the period should be inside our outside the parentheses, and so did a quick google search. The above is incorrect, and it pains me to leave it that way, instead of doing a quick edit to correct. But I will, for demonstrative purposes. :)

Last edit: And after I fixed the period, I would go back one more time. It's better if I made this two sentences, with a period after the "its," and then made the parenthetical a separate sentence, with a capitol I in if. Then the period, within the parenthetical, would be correct, and I would change it back. :)

Very last edit: But that would make "Like it's instead of its" stand out more as a sentence fragment. I think this is fine in a conversational style, but I might prefer to attach this to the sentence before, perhaps with a dash (I do love me some dashes, lol). I don't know. I'l have to think about it. :)

And, a day or so later, back to confess: I lied. there were several more edits: making the first sentence in the paragraph above more clear, deleting a coma, fixing a spelling, and fixing the same parentheses/period mistake I made before. Which isn't just pedantry, by the way. Punctuation clarifies the logic of the sentence, of the relationships between clauses.
 
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Congratulations on working on grammar and proofreading. This one is pretty good and the formatting is good too. Now, this time, I can pay attention to what's going on. See? As I said, it makes a difference. :).

I'll have a few notes when I have a moment, but preview: a little confusing in parts, and I think you're still sorting out the dramatic structure. This, I think, is just some trial and error, until you hit something that feels right. In this case, how best to intertwine the two stories, the two disappearances of pregnant wives, and how best to explain what's going on--i.e.: Aliums!

And, you've heard "trim and focus" but maybe don't go too far. I think there is also a time to cut loose, to be expansive, to not be afraid to just, as we used to say, let it all hang out. Good to cut out dull and kind of time-wasting dialogue. Also good to replace it with something cool. (Not sure what I'm saying here. Tired. I'll add a little in a bit. :))
 
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