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URGENT! Ideas Needed For an Independent Thriller Set in the Lanzarote Desert!

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directorrobertooliveri

Hi Guys, Im an 18 year old film director from London with an idea that has interested a major BBC director. The concept is a little rough around the edges, with a few loose ends but i'm sure with your help they're be tied up by no time. Before i find a script writer to pen the film, i need to have a solid idea. So here is the Pitch... (It's set in modern day and is a short film, MAX. 20 mins)

A newbie gangster has just had his first kill and has been ordered to deliver the body to ... The body of the victim is in the boot of the gangster's car, tied up with several gunshot wounds. The gangster is in a black suit covered in blood and shaking as he lights a cigarette. His car has hit a rock and now won't start back up, leaving him on a dusty road in the middle of the Lanzarote desert. Nervous and scared a range of flashbacks inform the audience how the victim was killed and why ... After a while the gangster contemplates committing suicide but his phone rings and on the other line is a woman, a femme fatal (very sexual). She is laying on the wrong side of the bed in lingerie and a silk dressing gowned repeating 'i spy with my little eye something beginning with U' The woman mentions to the gangster that when she gets board she likes to randomly call numbers and invade peoples lives so spontaneously. After a while of calling, the gangster begins to suspect she is playing mind games with him and in fact works for the opposing gangsters of whom the victim worked for. ( He works this out as she mentions something about his appearance) Now more paranoid then ever the gangster begins to pace up and down, lost and not knowing what to do. In the distance a car approaches, the gangster flags it down only to find out its a police car, with blood on his shirt the cop automatically draws his gun, as the gangster is on his knees he keeps looking at the boot of the car, the cop notices so he heads towards it he opens the boot to find no body and no blood, the cop then comforts the gangster and asks if he's ok, the gangster explains he had a car accident. the cop fixes the car and the gangster get back into his car, he a just his mirror only to see the victim sitting in the back seat of the car. The victim strangles the gangster until he dies. Then rings the woman who the gangster was previously talking to ...

There it is, it far from finished, if people could leave their comments that would be most helpful and any other suggestions will be much appreciated.

P.s When a solid idea is final i will need a script writer to write it, if anyone is interested please let me know, thank you

Roberto x :D
 
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Too long to be a pitch. I can summarize it in one or two sentences.

A rookie gangster is ordered to deliver a body to his boss/client, but trouble begins ....


And did the guy he kill come back to life? I don't understand what happened.
 
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That's what i was going for, i also want a sense of nostalgia, much like Christopher Nolan's Memento. And the Guy didn't die, being a rookie gangster he didn't kill him properly, as i said it's a working process with loose ends. Is their any particular style or cinematography you would use for a project like this?

Roberto x :)
 
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directorrobertooliveri said:
Nervous and scared a range of flashbacks inform the audience how the victim was killed and why ...
After a while the gangster contemplates committing suicide but his phone rings and on the other line is a woman, a femme fatal (very sexual). She is laying on the wrong side of the bed in lingerie and a silk dressing gowned repeating 'i spy with my little eye something beginning with U' The woman mentions to the gangster that when she gets board she likes to randomly call numbers and invade peoples lives so spontaneously. After a while of calling, the gangster begins to suspect she is playing mind games with him and in fact works for the opposing gangsters of whom the victim worked for. ( He works this out as she mentions something about his appearance)
The victim strangles the gangster until he dies. Then rings the woman who the gangster was previously talking to ...
Click to expand...

1. Oh, these flashbacks... I'm sick and tired of them.
2. Why would he want to kill himself?
3. The femme fatale... What mind games?
4. I don't like the ending: the newbie gets strangled.

It sounds more like a scene of a film to me.
 
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strip all the fashion stuff from you pitch.
Be generic in your locations (the "desert" as opposed to the "Lanzarote Desert")
Give the main characters Names!

Shorten your pitch by about 75%. But be prepared to go on at LENGTH about the details IF ASKED..
 
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A Outline, im making the film myself, on my own budget so i dont need a pitch, the BBC director is a good friend of mine and was willing to help me shoot it and advise me, maybe even contribute to the finance of the film. I just need a few ideas of how to adapt or change the film, (i know its confusing, hense why i need ideas). i dont even understand it myself, all i know is, is that im passionate about it and just need a solid idea before i film it, otherwise its a waste of time. BTW its a short film, no more then 10/15 mins, which is why its so full of information and why enigmas can be left to the audiences imagination.

Roberto x
 
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I like the overall story you have here, and ive come up with some ideas:

-The woman who calls him could be someone the character knows, like his girlfriend.
makes the suductive conversation make a bit more sense. then he starts to suspect by the way shes talking that she might be working for the other gangsters (mabe have a flashback of him learning the ropes from another gangster and getting explained that there rival gang likes to use this tactic or something).

-The target could be the daughter of the other gangs leader and his boss had a hit put out on her to send a message to his enemys (adds to the seriousness of the situation, like the main character has just kicked a metaphorical hornets nest).

-Mabe have some more flashbacks of him learning about his target and how shes very good at deceiving people (hinting to the surprise ending where shes still alive).

-There could be a scene where hes being given the job to kill the woman, and hes told that if he screws up the gang will torture him to death for his failure (making his suicide ideas a bit more justified).you could even have the gangs leader show him the last guy who messed up a job with his eye cut out or something.


Hope those help out somehow.
 
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Here is a sample of what the screenplay could be. You didn't name your main character, so I'm calling him Bobby here. I like the characters not having names like in "Two Lane Blacktop". Let me know what you think.


Screenplay
By
Lucky Hardwood
FADE IN:
EXT. - ALLEY - DAY
BOBBY, a good looking guy in his early twenties slams the
boot of his car.
He looks around nervously.
He is dressed in an ill fitting black suit and is wearing
cheap, dark sunglasses despite the overcast sky.
Bobby’s hands shake as he takes his cellular telephone out
of his pocket and presses the send button.
BOBBY
Yeah, it’s done.
BOBBY listens to the phone.
BOBBY
Yes, Sir, straight away.
He walks over to the driver’s door and flops heavily into
the seat.
BOBBY takes a deep breath and exhales loudly.
BOBBY fumbles a cigarette out of the pack and struggles to
light it, striking the lighter several times.
BOBBY places the cigarette pack on the dash board and puts
the car into gear.
As the car lurches forward, the cigarette pack slides off of
the dash and onto the floor.
INT. - BOBBY’S CAR - DAY
BOBBY speeds down the dusty desert highway. He checks his
mirrors with the urgency of a man on the run.
BOBBY reaches for his pack of cigarettes and and realizes
that they’re on the floor.
He reaches over trying to drag the smokes over to him.
His fingers barely touch the pack and it slips farther away.
BOBBY bends down to reach the cigarettes and retrieves them.
As BOBBY straightens up, the car goes off of the road and
hits a large rock.
EXT. - DESSERT - DAY
The front of Bobby’s car is smashed and smoke pours from the
radiator.
BOBBY lights a cigarette as he exits the car and surveys the
damage.
BOBBY pops the bonnet and is blasted in the face by a huge
cloud of steam.
BOBBY pokes at the engine as if that will fix it.
BOBBY looks both directions down the dusty road. He is all
alone. He has the nervous look of rat stuck in a sinking
ship.
Bobby takes his cell phone out of his pocket. The screen is
broken and unusable.
BOBBY paces back and forth along the road.
 
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